Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Real Pain in the Neck (Part 1)

After a wonderful Christmas we decided it would be equally wonderful to go get messages from the little place down the street.  Relaxing music, dim lights, oils.  NO.  It is one big open room, nobody speaks English and the therapisist chit chat with one another the entire time.  But it is only $19 for 40 minutes and they do one hell of a job on your knots.

Ryan and Shannon got full body massages while I opted for a chair massage as I still have a hard time laying on my huge sore boobs stomach.  The first 30 minutes were pure bliss.  He was working on my shoulders and getting all the kinks out when suddenly I felt a bit sick.  I know that sometimes when you get massaged they release a lot of toxins so I figured that is what it was and tried to relax. 

Still feeling sick a few moments later, I asked the therapist to stop for a second and that is all I remember. 

Everything went black.

I woke up about a minute later to Ryan holding me up and rubbing my back, a terrified look in his eyes. 

Ryan: "Are you OK?  You passed out.  How do you feel."

Me: "Stop rubbing my back.  Um, I think I am OK. What happened?"

Ryan explained to me that he heard my therapist's voice call to his and it sounded urgent so he looked up and saw him holding me, my eyes rolled back in my head.  He jumped up and started talking to me just as Shannon realized what was going on and started yelling for 911 and a fucking phone. 

Me: "Did I pee?"

Ryan: "Yes."

Me: "Who the fuck pees their pants?"

We share a little laugh, get a towel and I sit down for a few minutes trying to stop my head from spinning and hold down the strawberry yogurt vomit.  Ryan calls the Doctor who laughs, yes LAUGHS, and explains that there is no way it could have hurt the baby and I would be fine in a few hours.

Apparently there is a nerve that runs down your neck and during pregnancy it is extra sensitive.  Stimulating this nerve can cause women to pass out, pee their pants and feel like a giant toddler carrying around a plastic bag full of pee pee pants.

None, not ONE of my books says anything about a peeing nerve thankyouverymuch! 

The rest of the day I was white as a ghost, nauseous and worried that I somehow hurt the baby.  I thought, "All I need is a good nights sleep and I will be fine Monday morning."

I thought wrong

Saturday, December 25, 2010

Merry Christmas

This is our Christmas card from last year.  I'm sure most of you have seen it but if not, enjoy and have yourself a Merry Little Christmas. 

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Ryan swears I staged this picture with a tall can but I assure you that he purchased, drank, and left that tall boy on the carpet all by himself

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

How it Happened

Well, you already know how it happened but if you were sick that day in school, I'll explain.  Ryan and I called the stork and told him we would be interested in a baby around June.  After checking his busy schedule, we do live in Salinas after all, he agreed to deliver around the 27th. 

Now that we've cleared that up, can I tell you how embarrassing it is to tell your family that you are knocked up.  Basically it was like, "Hey mom, we have lots of sex,"  "Guess what grandma, I totally wrecked my wife."  I know that is not what they hear, but I swear it feels like that is what is coming out.  After each person we told I was like oh great, now EVERYBODY is going to know we do it!

So now that you know, let me tell you just how complicated it was; not the sex, the finding out.  I'll try to be brief because let's be honest, it's not that exciting.  

I was late so I took a test...negative.  I figured I'd start soon and went about my business.  A few days later and still no sign of my period so I took another test...negative.  Now I'm a little annoyed but don't think much of it.  Days pass...more days pass and finally I call the doctor who tells me to come in for a blood test.  Okay, that will tell us for sure.  I go in, leave a vial of blood lighter and wait for the call.  Negative. 

By this time I am over 2 weeks late and starting to get worried that something might be wrong with me.  You know, convincing myself that I have cancer or am never going to have my period EVERY AGAIN; I like to think catastrophically. 

Another week goes by and now my doctor wants to give me a shot of progesterone, in my ass, which will bring on my very tardy period.  At first I was like um, okay but then an overwhelming feeling that I should NOT do it came over me in a wave. 

I froze up, stuttered and began explaining to the nurse how crazy I must sound and how she probably thinks that I am desperate or trying to get attention or...or...but...but, I just don't want the shot.  I want one more blood test.  She seems unaffected by my outburst and says she will order another blood test for the following day.

I go in, give another vial of blood, treat myself to an oatmeal apricot cookie (what? I was light headed from the blood draw) and head for home trying not to think about the possible baby or other deadly disease I might have. 

8:00AM on a Wednesday morning.  My phone rings.  It's my doctor, not the nurse. 

Dr.: "Well, it's a good thing you didn't get the shot because you are definitely pregnant."

Me: "Uhhhhhh.  Wow.  OK.  Ummmmm."

Dr: "Let me put you through to the front desk and you can book an appointment to come in and get checked."

Me: "......................." 
But in my head thinking, WHY CAN'T I JUST BE NORMAL?  Why was this SO hard?  Why do I have to be part of the .02% that can't just pee on a stick?

And because everyone seems to want to know...No, we were not trying to get pregnant it just so happened that the stork was in the right place at the right time. And we couldn't be happier.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Such a Hog

Our house is old and therefore not the most efficient when it comes to heating and cooling.  That coupled with the fact that I am not to keen on spending 250-300 dollars a month for PG&E means we have a little space heater to keep our toes warm on these cold winter nights.

Only problem...

Abner is a total heater hog.  He will shove his fat little body between you and the heater and literally soak up 90% of the heat for himself leaving you with a crappy 10% to warm freezing toes. 


Wednesday, December 15, 2010

About 20 Pounds Ago...

He was so tiny that I could hold him and not lose circulation in my arms.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Kitty goes for a swim

Admittedly, Ryan is not a cat person.  He doesn't care for their flippant attitude, mood swings, or dirty looks; why he married me then is a complete mystery, but I digress. 

A few months into our relationship I brought up the idea of getting a kitten.  It would have to live at his house because I couldn't have pets at my place, but I thought it would be a nice addition.  And because I hadn't ruined Lilly's life enough on my own. 

Over the next few weeks I searched obsessively every day on the kitty rescue website we did some research and found a kitty that seemed perfect.  She was rescued along with her siblings and was one of the last ones that still needed a home.   I visited her before agreeing to adopt her and when she crawled in my sweatshirt, up on my head and down my leg I knew she was the one. 

She and her attitude settled right in.

About a month later we made the brilliant decision to take a trip down to Santa Barbara with Lilly and the new kitten in tow.  4 and a half hours in the car with a kitten sleeping on your head, scratching your neck and trying to kill you by jumping under the break peddle sure seamed like fun; DAMN we are intelligent. 

Many memories and fun adventures were had on this now infamous trip. Some of which I plan to share in the future and one that I can't believe I haven't shared yet. 

Seriously guys, it is funny.

We are all in the living room watching TV when Ryan gets up to go to the bathroom.  I think noting of it, but Georgia follows him; of course, because he may be doing something fun like capturing live mice or getting her a feather.  All of a sudden I hear Ryan yell, "NOOOOO!" and call for me to come into the bathroom.  Assuming on the of live mice ran up his pant leg, I get up and round the corner to see him holding Georgia by the scruff of her neck, a disturbed look on his face.

Me: "What happened?"

Ryan: "She was sitting on the counter while I was peeing and she chased my pee into the toilet!"

Me: "She chased your pee?"

Ryan: "YES, jumped into my pee stream!  Fell into the toilet!  Here, take her"

Oh yes, just what I want to hold, a kitten covered in urine. 

It took Georgia a matter of moments and Ryan a few hours to recover from the situation, but it still get a kick out of the whole thing.  It was our first proof that she was the perfect fit for our family, another nut for the trail mix.  Her unwillingness to drink out of anything but the shower, excessive drooling while being pet and fondness for hiding around corners only to jump out to scare the dogs is just icing on the cake.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Clean Floors

Dirty Diapers...

That's right internet, get ready for way too much information and a whole lot of fun because this family of crazies, and my waistline are about to get bigger.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Today I am blogging from my phone because our computer decided it was a good idea to contract yet another virus! That is 2 in the past 3 weeks if you wanted to keep track. I think this is a sign that we need to start backing up. You would think loosing everything not once, but twice in my life would be motivation enough but apparently it hasn't been.

I promise I have funny stories and exciting news coming so stay tuned. Hopefully to your computer, not your phone

Friday, December 3, 2010

Just a taste of what it is like to be married to me...

because if I gave you an entire spoonful you'd gag.

We all know that I am a bit odd, in a good way of course, but still, painfully odd.  And that I like things a certain way and things in a certain place.  We also have discussed how repetitive noises make me want to kill myself and that sometimes I say things before I consider weather or not they are nice.

That being said, picture it, Ryan's car on a Tuesday afternoon, pouring rain.  I had just been granted a gift from the hair frizz fairy, aka I got into the car just before the rain started, and we were on our way.  As we drove along, the rain started to get stronger and stronger until it was like someone pouring cups of water on the windshield.  Ryan of course has the windshield wipers on as fast as they will go so he doesn't drive into a ditch and the rain is so loud (a sound I actually quite enjoy) that I don't hear the wipers clicking and swishing.

Well, after a few miles the rain begins to lighten up and finally keeps pace at a nice mist, only Ryan doesn't turn down the wiper speed.  I give him a moment, thinking that the noise will bother him and he will turn it down, but he doesn't.  A few more minutes and I can't even concentrate on our conversation because all I hear are the wiper blades clicking and swishing over and over.

Soon I can feel myself giving him a dirty look, glaring at the little control on his steering wheel, willing him to turn it off and stop the CLICKING AND SWISHING but he doesn't respond.  He just carries on like nothing is wrong, like I'm not breaking out in a rash over the sound and the unnecessary wiping.

Finally I snap.  I can no longer hold it in.  I calmly look at him.

Me: "Doesn't it bother you to have your wipers on so fast when it is hardly raining?"

Him: "No, but it obviously bothers you or you wouldn't have said anything."

He turns them off and gives me a look like he going to gag from the spoonful of OCD I just shoved down his throat

Me: "Well you don't have to turn them off, I mean if you like it then you can keep them on."

Him: "Why would I keep them on now, knowing it bothers you?"

Me: "Because now I feel guilty and I want you to have them on to make myself feel better."

The stare continues

Me: "Well, I'm not surprised it doesn't bother you, you who can walk around after a shower with DRIPS OF WATER ON YOUR BACK, just rolling down your skin like nails on a chalkboard, you who can wear two different socks at the same time, you who is not bothered by your sleeves being smashed up in your sweatshirt!  Just thinking about these things makes my skin crawl."

And the stare continues

Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Up in the air

Not sure how a I feel about the new blog design.  I was hoping for candy cane stripes or something more festive, but I suppose this will do for now.

I am sure how I feel about this...


Christmas card will not disappoint this year

Through a dogs eyes

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
It is not self-seeking, nor easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongdoing.
It does not delight in evil,
But rejoices in the truth.
It always protects, trusts, hopes, and preserves.
There is nothing love cannot face;
There is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance.
In a word, there are three things that last forever:
Faith, hope, and love;
But the greatest of them all is love.
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
I'm talking about the love you receive from animals, specifically dogs.  Yep, dogs.  
I happen to believe that the purest form of love comes from animals.  They love recklessly, intensely, without limit, and expect nothing in return. They never wonder what is in it for them, or try to play with your emotions.  They wear their hearts on their sleeves, no barriers to protect them, assuming that you will take care of their hearts.  

And most of us do, but I can't get out of my mind lately how many people mistreat dogs.  It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think of how many dogs there are suffering in the world tonight.  How many are left outside to freeze, no food or shelter.  How many dogs are beaten, used as bait, made to be viscous and then thrown away.  Treated worse than a piece of trash and yet STILL full of love.  Still wanting to make their people happy, only they don't know how.
And these people who beat down the very soul of these dogs.  Trying to make them something they are not, trying to make them mean. But there is no such thing as a mean dog, only mean people.
Whenever I hear about a dog being aggressive or mean all I can think of is that dog when it was just a pup.  Tiny and pure, looking into the eyes of a human they thought would take care of them and whom they had all the love it the world to give.  Then I see that same pup, all grown up, beaten and abused still looking into the eyes of that humans with love but never getting any in return.  
This is a commercial from our local SPCA and while I often disagree with how the SPCA deals with their money and their animals, I find this commercial to be extremely touching.  Can't watch it without crying to be honest, so please take a look, and this holiday season remember to give to those who can't make a list and send it off to Santa.  Consider donating to a rescue group or volunteering your time.  Not necessarily to the SPCA, they already have tons of money and tend to mismanage, but to whomever you feel could use it the most.   And please, lets try not to be so judgmental of certain dog breeds, ALL dogs go to heaven.

 Grab a tissue and watch this

Friday, November 26, 2010

Give Thanks, and All Your Money

I have personally never been one to rush out on Black Friday and go shopping.  The thought of thousands of people moshing over 100 twenty dollar television sets just does not appeal to me;  I do however understand why many people engage in the tradition.

I mean if you are a true shopper and being trampled by stampedes of other aggravated shoppers doesn't bother you, or if you have a lot of shopping to do and like a "good deal" then I suppose it is the perfect occasion for you.  Yep, get out of your warm bed and wait in line in the freezing cold at 4am and we'll give you this awesome Furby!!!!

Personally, I don't get it.

Where are you going with this Anne?  We really don't care that you don't like shopping?  What is a Furby?

The reason I am bringing this up is because I feel as though this tradition, this so called "holiday,"  has gotten a bit out of hand.  A few years ago you would see ads about stores opening at 6am with once in a lifetime deals.  Then it was 4am with even better deals and the chance to actually be killed at Wal Mart.  I was like, ok, not for me, but if you want to get up go for it.

Years pass and stores, feeling as though they need to up the anti begin opening at midnight or 10pm ON THANKSGIVING.  Now, this year I am seeing multiple stores advertising that they are open all of Thanksgiving Day and are offering such great deals that you would be a fool to actually spend time with your family and pass them up.

Here is why it bothers me.  Not only are we already spending less and less time together, in the flesh, interacting with our families and loved ones, but for god's sake, do we really need to buy more shit at an even lower price just so we have MORE CRAP around to cloud what is really important.

People are important, pets are important, basic needs that include interacting with your family and sharing a meal are important.  The 75 dollar sweater that you bought for 10 dollars is not worth the time you wasted away from the table, the conversation, the love.  That sweater may keep you warm, but it does nothing for your heart or soul.

Now I am not saying that shopping is terrible or buying gifts for family and friends is some horrible idea that I am above in some way.  All I am saying is think about why you are buying these things and at what cost they truly come.  Would your grandmother be happier with a visit and some time to share memories, or the cashmere gloves?

This Thanksgiving I hope all of you were surrounded by warmth, love, plentiful tables and rich conversation. Take some time to think about what you are truly thankful for and you may surprise yourself at just how much you come up with.

I personally am thankful that I was able to keep down the immense amount of food I ate last night.

Thursday, November 25, 2010


On this day of Thanksgiving I can't help but feel a little overwhelmed at all I have to be thankful for.  I try to give thanks and tell those around me how much I love them all year, but there is something about the actual holiday that makes me pause and take it all in. 

I truley couldn't ask for more.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Woman in Black

I love to wear black, in fact, I am wearing an all black get up right now.  I'm not quite sure why, but I have always favored the color.  When I walk into a store I am immediately drawn to black items.  Black shirts, black jackets, black shoes, black underwear, black heart.  Just saying.

All the fashionistas on television say that people who wear black are hiding something, afraid to draw attention to themselves, just wanting to fade into the background.  While that is true of me on some occasions, I would not say that it accurately describes why I like to wear black. 

Regardless, I have been fighting this affliction for some time now, trying to purchase bright, cheerful colors to mix into my wardrobe.  I'll want the black one, but buy the pretty green one instead only to have it end up in the same place, the back of the closet. 

I have decided that I am over it, done, sick of wasting money; I am black inside and out.  I'll mix it up with gray or white and maybe even some darker colors if you are lucky, but lets just get it out on the table so there is no further discussion.  I like black, not because it is slimming though that doesn't hurt it's case. 

Check out the legend Johnny Cash singing Man In Black.  He says it far better than I ever could.

Saturday, November 20, 2010

It's Mine Now

Our friends visited a while ago with their toddler daughter whom Abner followed around all weekend like it was his job.  She forgot her paci, the picture explains the rest.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

An ode to moms

Maybe you remember my olive oil story form a while ago.  Well, it got me thinking about all the things that moms/wives do that go unnoticed.*  Now, let me say for the record that I am not complaining about all the things I do or trying to get some sort of acknowledgment.

I genuinely like caring for my home and all of it's inhabitants, some days more than others, yes, but all the same, I enjoy it.  I also feel as though I must go on record that Ryan is very good about thanking me for many thankless jobs and letting me know how much he appreciates having clean, ironed shirts for work each day.


As a kid it was so easy.  You never thought about how the food got to your house or who prepared it or served it, you just ate it.  You didn't stop to wonder who cleaned your messes or did your laundry or packed your lunch.  You just made more messes, created more laundry (I think I remember changing my clothes 3-4 times a day at one point, just for fun) and went about your life.

Then, as you got a little bit older, you took on a few more responsibilities like making your bed or cleaning your room and it was SO HARD.  What! I have to wake up AND make my bed?  My life sucks!

With each passing year, new chores and new responsibilities but, and I feel like an asshole for saying this, no new respect for all the hard work my mom did.  I still assumed a fairy of some sort did all the dirty work.  The realization didn't come until much later.  But now that I have it, I feel like I could say thank you every day of the rest of my life and STILL not communicate how much I appreciate all that she did. 

I know that I used to make little comments and get frustrated with my mom over how clean she liked the house but now I realized why she took the job so seriously.  It wasn't just about keeping a clean house or preparing healthy meals, it was about taking care of and respecting your home and your body. 

And when I scrub the toilet or wipe down the frickin' stainless steel refrigerator door for the 5 millionth time  TODAY I know that I am doing it because I appreciate and respect that I have a clean toilet and a refrigerator.  I don't have to use a hole dug in the ground or worry about where my next meal is coming from. 

I know I drive Ryan crazy sometimes, well, all the time with my constant wiping and cleaning and nagging. And I know that some day my kids are going to roll their eyes and mumble under their breath how annoying mom is and how crazy she is and why do I have a stupid whole wheat sandwich with organic vegetables, I want a Lunchable damn it.  But I also hope they know this; to me thoughtful cleanliness IS love and no matter how much you bitch while I'm doing it. 

I remember my mom telling me a story about a gentleman whose wife had recently passed away.  He was expressing how much he missed her and then he said, "You know, I never realized that you can actually run out of clean underwear until my wife passed away." 

It is so true.  Sometimes it is the things that go unnoticed when they are there, that you miss the most when they are gone.

* Yes, I am aware that men can do all of these things as well.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Like a Hippo in a Bikini

I know my posts have been kind of lite and cheesy lately, and I do apologize, I'm just not going to fix it, not today anyway. I promise a good one is coming soon.

Now on with the fluff.

When Abner was a baby we bought him a little bed to curl up in.  He quickly outgrew it and it was put in "dog storage" along with is tiny sweaters, tiny collars and tiny elf hat, yeah I said elf hat.  He was tortured from an early age. 

A few days ago I was throwing away a bunch of shit sorting through some things that I don' t need but keep anyway because you never know when you might need a rock that you must have thought was really cool when you found it...12 years ago.  Among the rocks, random pillowcases, scraps of fabric and not yet started paint my numbers, I found a big box of dog stuff.

Cute toys that Abner chewed up but I didn't have the heart to throw away, a little coat that I made him when I first got him that he fit into for 2 days before outgrowing, and his little bed.  I was going to donate it but then I thought Georgia may like it so I put it out on the chair she likes to sleep on in hopes that she would curl up in it and not on the chair that I have to vacuum EVERY DAMN DAY.

I'm telling you, if I got paid to vacuum I'd be one rich woman.

Anyway, I put the bed on the chair and immediately Abner was drawn to it.  He jumped up and sniffed it and looked at me like ummm, why does this smell like me?  He then proceeded to knock it to the floor, dig around in it for a bit and move on to bigger and better things, like chewing a stick INSIDE because it tastes so much better if you chew it on the carpet rather than the cement outside.

About 30 minutes later when I was doing my every 30 minute check to make sure Abner hasn't killed himself, I happened upon this...

 Could he be any cuter?  Or more pathetic.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Crying in the Rain

If you keep up with this blog then you have some idea of how techno Lilly is about her feet.  It would take all day to explain, so in short, no wet grass, no gravel, no crunchy leaves, no puddles, no touching, lots of licking!

There, now we are all caught up.

What you may not be aware of though, is how long she can hold her pee and poop if it is raining and her precious feet could get wet by going out.  I'm talking ALL DAY AND NIGHT epic marathon pee holding to the point that she looks uncomfortable.  She must have a bladder the size of an elephants and when she finally pees it takes her so long to empty her bladder that here legs start shaking from crouching so long.  Pathetic!

Not that I have ever had shaky legs while holding myself above the toilet seat, balancing my purse and maybe a martini; neither of which I would set on the floor. 

Guys, women set their purses on the floor in public restrooms all the time. Have you seen this?  I want to knock on the stall door and be like, excuse me, have you ANY idea how disgusting that is.  You probably go home and put your purse on the kitchen counter, don't you.

Anyway, it has been raining all day here and had been HOURS since Lilly had been out so Ryan decided the only way to get her to go was to carry her outside and escort her.

Internet, I give you P. Lilly and her manslave

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Enjoying the Season

You might think that capturing Abner rolling around on a strangers grass during a walk was uncommon but no, he does it nearly every day.  He usually does it more when he is hot and it goes a little something like this. 

Run to the end of my leash and then put my head down and let my fat little body flop on the the grass and then roll around snorting for a few minutes until I get up and do it again...and again.

It seriously cracks me up.  I have never seen a dog roll around on random strangers lawns before, never.  To be fair, I have also never seen a dog chase dragonfly shadows, but I digress.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Time flies when you're having fun

Last month Ryan and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary.  Yes, I know I have yet to post pictures of our honeymoon, but that was so last year.

When September first rolled around I was like wow, wait, what?  It is already September?  Have we really been married for a year?  As September plugged along and the weekend was approaching I started thinking about what I was doing last year each day.

Last year on this day I was finalizing my guest list...last year on this day I was doing my final dress fitting.  Until it was the 26th and last year on this day I was trying not to pass out or shit my pants OR BOTH!

We originally planned on going back to the Blue Sky Lodge where we stayed on our wedding night but decided to change it up and head over to Morro Bay.  It is crazy how close we live and never seem to make it over there.  Especially if you consider that they have gelato classico, brown butter cookies, taco temple, the beach AND sea shanty pancakes all in a 4 block radius.

We had the dogs with us so our lodging options were slim to say the least and we ended up at the Dolphin Inn.  Certainly not the most romantic of locations, but it was entertaining.

I still can't believe how fast the year went.  I don't know if that is a good thing or a bad thing, but I do know that I'm looking forward to all the next years and the new adventures to come.

Dominoes, brown butter cookies, wine, & gelato!

The score

Matching sand beards

My top=no comment

We didn't smash the cake on the wedding day, but we did save it all year to smash it on the anniversary

The wallpaper in our room.  Seriously hillarious

Because every post needs Abner's ass


Thursday, October 28, 2010

Good to know

One evening while on our honeymoon in St. Lucia, Ryan and I decided to venture away from the resort and go to a local music festival.  We took a hotel cab there and realized about an hour or so in that we kinda liked life on the resort better.  You know, where you could actually hear yourself think....and booze is free.

So we walked to a nearby hotel and called for a cab to take us back.

At some point during our twenty minute drive back to the hotel, the fact that I don't like ice in my water was brought up by either myself or Ryan, I really can't remember.  I am pretty sure we were talking about strange it was that all week I asked for ice in my water.  That is of course because it melted in 20 seconds anyway and kept the water at least somewhat cooler than the temperature of my own saliva!

Yes, I don't do well in heat

Anyway, the cab driver, who was a rather interesting fellow, starts talking about how I am right not to put ice in my drinks and telling stories about how ice cold beverages are bad for the body and that the elders of the islands don't use ice, etc.  He also informed us that drinking hot tea will cool your body down faster than ice water.  Possibly true cab man, but the last think I want when it is 100 degrees and 87 percent humidity is a cup of HOT TEA!

I can't say the same for the British who drank hot tea every afternoon, although I guess I did partake in an afternoon cappuccino on the beach a time or two.  What were we talking about again, ah yes, ice water.

So the cabby and Ryan are going back and forth, Ryan happens to be a fan of ice in his water, and suddenly cab man looks at Ryan and says, "My grandfather is 84 years old and has an erection harder than mine.  And he never used ice, wouldn't even touch the stuff."

Apparently he credits his strong erection to never using ice

Ryan and I look at each other, both thinking the same thing but not saying it aloud and finally Ryan just says, "Good to know."

Just in case you were wondering what we/I were thinking, it was a little something like this.  Why in the hell would you know ANYTHING about your grandfathers erections!?

Ah, the people you meet in the places you go...

Monday, October 25, 2010

But I don't wanna do it

When we are kids it was things like going to bed, going to school, taking a nap or brushing our teeth. As we got older it was getting home by curfew, doing our homework, making our bed or taking out the trash.  Older still and more, I don't want to, followed by guess what, life isn't fair. 

I don't want to go to my college class today, I don't want to pay my cable bill, I dont' want to turn down that 8th shot of Jaggermeister and stop dancing on the bar. Only difference is that as you turned the corner to adulthood, you actually didn't have to because there was nobody there making you. No mom at the edge of the table making you take 5 bites of vegetables. No back up to get your ass out of bed when you hit the snooze again.  You could eat Taco Bell for every meal, EVERY DAY.  So what, I only did it like 4 times, don't judge me! 

Well, guess what, it's true, life is still full of things we don't necessarily want to do and still totally unfair.  Just today I didn't want to walk my dogs, or get out of bed or even make the bed for that matter.  Followed by my wanting to have chocolate chip cookies for breakfast, not work out, not sweep the kitchen floor, not get my lunch packed and damn it, I don't really want to go to work either. 

Amazingly enough, I did all the things I didn't want to do AND had porridge for breakfast.  OK fine, and a bite of a cookie, but it was a small bite.  Tomorrow I will do all the things I don't want to to all over again and the next day and the next along with all of you.  

Some days it is easier than others to get things you don't want to do done, but even on the days when everything is unfair and everyone sucks and I have no cookies to make it better, I look around and I am so grateful that Ryan and I do the things we don't really want to because it is all those things that afford us the things we actually want to do.

Thanks babe, for working so hard for our little family.
We love you

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Look for him in Brazil, 2014

Seriously though, with his speed, ability to turn on a dime, low center of gravity and teeth to bite ankles of opponents you can't go wrong!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

The Flea Circus

If you drive down our street and wonder if we've joined the circus, we have. 

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Next, I'll pull a rabbit out of my hat

A while back, Ryan and I were in the kitchen preparing lunch.  While I chopped vegetables for salad, he was dressing some zucchini for the BBQ.  I watched him as he opened the spice drawer and pulled out the drizzle bottle of olive oil.  He positioned it over the tray of sliced squash and began to drizzle.  About 2 seconds later there was no more drizzle, the bottle was empty. 

I could literally see the wheels turning in his head as he paused and then turned to put the EMPTY bottle back.

Me: "There is a big bottle of olive oil in the pantry if you want to go ahead and refill that before putting it back."

Ryan: "Why would I do that.  If I put it back empty it will magically refill itself."

Me: "You have got to be kidding me, right?"

Ryan: "Nope."

And he put the empty bottle back on the rack and closed the door.

I was completely dumbfounded, really annoyed and also kind of entertained because, well,  IT IS TRUE!  From that moment I was like screw that, I'm not filling that damn bottle.  So for the next couple of days I exclusively used the big bottle for all of my olive oil needs.  I'll admit there were a few mishaps and overdoses but I was determined that HE would refill the stupid drizzle bottle.

Well, while cooking dinner a while ago I, without even thinking, went to grab the drizzle bottle and realized it was empty.  I then proceeded to fill it with olive oil and was nearly half way done before I realized that I had caved, lost, completely failed my own olive oil strike. 

Whatever, I thought, he probably won't even notice that it is refilled. 

Saturday, October 9, 2010.  Ryan opens the fridge for some blue cheese dressing.

Him: "Eww, this dressing is all gross."


Me: "You have GOT to be fucking kidding me, you are just going to put it back?"

He smirks and closes the refridgerator door.

I walk over, grab it out of the fridge and toss it into the trash and then, in my MOST condeicending voice say, "OH THAT WAS SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD!"

A minute later I'm dressing the salad with olive oil from the drizzle bottle and he just looks at me and starts to laugh.

Me: "You are such an infant!"

Him:  "See, like magic."

Friday, October 8, 2010

A morning riddle

Planet earth is approximately 75% water. 

The human body is approximately 75% water. 

Our house is approximately 85% hardwood flooring.

So, riddle me this.  If our house is 85% hardwood flooring then why, oh WHY do 99.9% of all body malfunctions end up on my carpet?

One second Lilly is lounging on our inside grass rug, trying to catch a fly and the next second I look over and there is an ENORMOUS pile of vomit beside her.  You guys, the small carpet is SURROUNDED BY HARDWOOD FLOOR and she had to vomit on the rug.

Now, this would be a predicament on any rug/carpet, but this grassy rug happens to be the shaggiest shag rug ever to shag and I have absolutely NO idea how I'm going to get dog vomit out of it.  The fibers on this carpet are literally 8 inches long.  It looks like a huge green toupee. 

Well, a green toupee with regurgitated kibble tangles. 

Anyone want a dog?

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Lions, Tigers and Bears


Abner is ready for Halloween

Are you?

Monday, October 4, 2010

It's oh so quiet

It's oh so still...

Right now my house is so quiet that I could actually hear the proverbial pin drop; that is if there were someone here to drop it.  There is no Abner snoring, no Lilly sighing and rolling her eyes so intensely that you CAN hear it, no Peach chirping and annoying the dogs, no Ryan doing all the little things Ryan does, no television, no radio, not even a truck filling up with gas around the corner.  Silence.  And...


Well, I loved it for about an hour, I mean I LOVED it for that hour.  But then it got kind of old.  Sometimes there is so much background noise that I find myself begging for a moment of silence.  If only I could have one minute of complete silence I could ground myself, calm my mind, pee without Abner butting his giant head in to see what I am doing.

Seems tonight I got my minute.  Quite frankly, that is all I needed.

*Just in case you were worried....No, I did not lock my entire family in the basement, not this time anyway.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Transitional Object

Like most dogs, accept for Lilly who is far to sophisticated, Abner like to disembowel stuffed toys.  There is noting quite like gnawing off the leg of a cute fluffy doggy to pass the time.  And I love nothing more than coming home to a room covered in  poly fill and dog vomit because Abner has YET AGAIN gotten poly fill stuck in the back of his throat and gagged himself...3 or 4 times. 

As much as he loves to tear apart toys, there is one that he has had since he was a baby that he has never tried to injure, his bunny.  I am petty sure my mom got this bunny at the last chance mercantile, aka the dump, and that it was love at first sight for Abner. 

I still remember his first encounter with the bunny.  He sniffed it, started to chew on the eyeballs a little bit and then began licking the muzzle.  From there he lay down and began to "nurse" the muzzle of the bunny making the strangest snorting noises.  I thought awe, how cute, and figured this was a one time thing, I was wrong.

He sucked on that bunny multiple times a day.  When he was excited, when he was sleepy, when he was bored, sometimes at a 20 minute stretch.  Then came the anxiety, not for him, for me.  I was worried that maybe he was weaned to soon from his mother, or that he was so stressed in his new home that he needed to soothe himself.  That maybe he has some sort of separation anxiety from his brothers and sister, or that he hated me and it was probably a sure sign that he was going to die at any minute!

2 years later and anxiety quelled, again mine, not his, the bunny remains.   He still sucks it when he is overexcited or sleepy and occasionally to show off when we have company.  Our friends are like, um, what is he doing?  Oh you know, sucking on a bunny muzzle, it's kind of his "thing."  Wow, I hope they never have real children...

It has also become the cure all for his many neurosis. 

10pm..."Abner is barking at the chair again!"

"Just give him the bunny."

6am..."Abner won't stop sighing, I think he wants us to wake up!"

"Just give him his stupid bunny!"



Kind of like that weird kid in preschool who's every problem can be cured by a glass of water.  You are upset mommy is leaving? Here have a glass of water.  You're hot? Here have some water.  You cut your finger off playing with a knife?  Awe poor kid, here have a glass of water and leave mommy to her chardonay. 

Yes, I am telling you that I pawn off my kids problems so I can have a cocktail.

Sucking n' snorting

The bunny

Thursday, September 23, 2010

In other news

It is the first day of Autumn, by far my favorite season.  When the trees set aflame and your feet make that magical crunching sound as you walk through the neighborhood.

New look for the blog

New attitude for the lady

And a beautiful photograph for the eyes

I'd sure love to run along this path...

and roll around in these leaves like I was 5 years old again.  Not worried about getting dirty or getting spiders in my hair because someone else did the laundry and secretly swept spiders off my back. 

Tight squeeze, cool breeze, pumpkin spice lattes

1,051,200 minutes

8,760 hours

730 days

24 months

2 years

The world will never be the same

And neither will I

7 weeks

9 weeks & 6 pounds

Watching Lilly Play 10 weeks

Sleeping on dad's legs 3-4 months

Hating his life 6 months

Big Bird?

Loving mom

1st Birthday Party

Playing in the dirt
1.9 years

Happy Second Birthday Abner.

I love you more than you'll ever know...because you are a dog and you think your life is how all dogs lives are and really have no idea how much time is devoted to your happiness all to have you throw up on my freshly cleaned carpet, 4 times.

Lucky you're so cute

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Seriously though...

In a world so full of "new and improved," (which by the way is impossible because if something is new it cannot be also improved), RESIST. 

Resist the urge to buy something new and presumably better.  Make something yourself.  Reuse or re-purpose an item you already have.  Use your own two hands, your imagination, your passion. Feel it.  Put love into what you make.

Too often we opt for the easy way out, the microwavable, the pre-packaged, the brand new, wrapped up in a pretty box with a bow no less.

I love bows.

Why?  Because it is EASY and we like easy. We like things easy so much that there is a person out there sitting on a fortune because he invented an easy button; but easy isn't always better.

The best meals take time to prepare, children years to mold, animals countless hours of love and training.  And when I see people giving up puppies after owning them for 8 months and parents in the supermarket degrading their children and families eating exclusively from packages, seperated form the soil it makes me wonder.

Who told them it was supposed to be easy?  Who is selling this fairytale? 

Life isn't easy and it wasn't intended to be.

It is easy to open a box and set a timer, easy to keep feelings locked up inside, easy to ignore problems that need attention but late at night, when it is just you and your thoughts, easy won't be so...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Kids say the darndest things

Around 11pm one evening.  In the bathroom.  Brushing our teeth.  One of us gagging.  The other...just brushing.

Me: "You know I hate to be a nag but..."

Ryan: "But what?" As he finishes brushing his teeth and sets the toothbrush on the counter

Me: "Why do you put the toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter after you brush?  Why not put it away in the drawer?"

Ryan: "I don't want my toothbrush to mold."

Me: "MOLD?  Nice try buddy."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The squeaky wheel get's the grease

 If you have ever read this blog, or met me, you know that I love my dogs more than any normal person should.  You also know that I spend at least 25% of every day chasing Abner around, saving him from falling into holes, eating bees and other toxic items, choking on sticks, wandering off and/or accidentally killing himself; he is my problem child.

He gives me endless material for this blog and for when my friends who have actual "children" are telling stories and I have to come up with something cute my child did.  They look at me weird and I'm like what? Oh really, your kid is so cool.  Can you lock your kid up in a box for 8 hours and go get drunk?  I didn't think so. At least not without the authorities getting involved. 

So while Abner keeps me on my toes and drives me closer and closer to the Garden Pavilion, Lilly moves from one couch to another day dreaming about dinner time and being a perfect lady.  Well, perfect  if you discount the whole trying to eat the mail man thing.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that while Abner gets a lot more face time on here, Lilly is equally loved in real life.  WHAT, the internet isn't real life?  But I just read an article that said....

Lilly is the kind of dog that knows what you are thinking before you do.  She knows when you are sick or sad or mad or just needing to hug a giant dog.  She is wise beyond her years, dramatic beyond what ANY dog should be and just quirky enough to fit right into our family.  

She refuses to step on wet grass or even touch the grass in our backyard, but she will run through wet grass after a good rain IF it is in an open field.  She licks her feet incessantly, thinks her collar weighs 200 pounds if it is crooked, and rolls her eyes at "those" dogs.  You know, the ones having fun.  How dare they!

Lilly is the kind of dog that novelists and poets write about, life altering.  She makes people who hate dogs want to go out and get one. She sits in the wing back chair sipping a manhattan, reading The Sun Also Rises while Abner, well he just licked up the pile of dirt I swept from the kitchen floor. 

Years ago when Ryan and I first started dating and Lilly still hated me (I say still as though she loves me now but I'm pretty sure if Abner and I disappeared she would be the last one looking) I noticed that the tag on her collar stated her name as Lilly, not Lily as the flower is actually spelled.  When I asked him why she had two l's in her name Ryan just looked at her, looked at me and simply said, "because she is so pretty."

And she absolutely is.

Monday, September 13, 2010

If I were a boy...

No, I'm not going to sing the song, though I do LOVE that song.  I know you know that I love it and sing it at inappropriate times, but I can't help it, it's catchy.  Quite possibly the worst lyrics I have ever sang ("if I were a boy, I'd turn off my phone, tell everyone it's broken, so they'd think that I was sleeping alone" Yeah, WORST LYRICS EVER) but don't worry, I change it up and sing my own lyrics.

Anyway, that is totally not what this post is about.  This post is about if I were a boy I would be offended daily.  Not by my wife nagging me not to spill my beer (who does that!?) but by television shows AND commercials.

I am constantly complaining to Ryan about it.  I'm like babe, aren't you offended by this purex laundry sheet bull shit?  They are basically calling all men idiots, that means YOU!  Sometimes he agrees or plays along and other times I'm talking to a glassy eyed maniquen.  Hello, earth to Ryan, offensive commercial.

Problem is I find most all television comercials offensive, stupid and annoying and probably spend 10 minutes of each 30 minute show complaining about a vairety of topics like NO, MCDOLANDLS DOES NOT BRING A FAMILY TOGETHER or NO, I'M PRETTY SURE MEN KNOW HOW TO WIPE UP A FUCKING SPILL OFF OF THE COUNTER or REALLY, YOU CAN'T CUT UP A PEACH?  YOU HAVE TO BUY PRE-CUT PEACHES, YOU ARE 30 YEARS OLD, CUT UP YOUR OWN FRUIT! 

This is probably why he ignores me half of the time because, well, I'd ignore me too.  But in all honesty it does bother me and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  Pay attention tonight while watching your favorite show and see how many times during the show and/or the commercials men are made to look like blabbering idiots. 

I guess the real reason it bothers me is because men are NOT idiots and are quite capable of many things that women and society do not give them credit for.  For example, I'm pretty sure a man knows how to wipe up the counter if he makes a mess.  But if you watch most cleaning product commercials it is the man making the mess and the woman coming home and sighing a cute little sigh and then she cleans it up with her magic chemical potion and paper towel and then the world is right again and everyone can run out to Golden Corral and have all you can eat BBQ Ribs and cornbread. 


Also, why do most sitcoms cast beautiful, smart, physically fit women and have them married to fat, lazy idiotic men?  Is this funny?  Did someone once say let's try the combination and it worked and now it is written in some sort of sitcom manual that in order to have a successful sitcom the woman must be beautiful and the man fat and/or stupid? 

Just curious.

Men out there, you are not stupid and if you are pretending because society says it's OK, STOP IT. 

Women, men are not stupid, make them aware of that and remind them not to spill their beer, they love that sort of thing. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I was going through my pictures recently and came across this shot of Abner that my friend Suzanne took.  I immediately noticed it because, hey, IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD QUALITY and not taken with either my crappy old digital that "sometimes works" or my iphone. 

Thanks Suzie

Friday, September 10, 2010

Like a kid in a candy store

I know it is September, but I am going to get caught up on my August posts because I was brain dead in August, remember.  Anyway, aside from the emotional ups and downs there were some good times. One of them was the Giants game we attended. 

Up until about 2 years ago my husband did not watch baseball on television unless it was some sort of special event.  In fact, he probably didn't even watch those.   I imagine he couldn't have named 3 players on the Giants if his life depended on it.  Then I ripped him away form his friends and family and boredom drove him to start watching baseball. 

Guess what, he likes it.  I'm not going to say that he is some sort of overnight super fan, but you might catch him wearing a SF hat and shooting the shit about the game in the grocery store with fellow fans.  Aww, so cute. 

Well, we talked about going to a game last year and it just didn't work out with all the wedding "to-do's," so this year we made sure to go.  We tried to get tickets to the Boston/Giants game with friends but that didn't work out.  Then we tried to go to an afternoon game on a whim and that didn't work out.

Finally someone with a plan and access to tickets (thanks Shannon) got our asses in gear to choose a date.  The date was set and there was a rumor that we had great seats.  Awesome, I can't wait, I love baseball and 10 dollar beers!

Ryan and Shannon got the ballpark long before I and after denying the Jerry Garcia bobble head because, "my wife doesn't like clutter,"  they wandered about and found their seats.  2 rows from home plate.

Let me say that again, TWO ROWS FROM HOME PLATE.  Even to someone who doesn't like baseball that is amazing.  You literally feel like you are on the field involved in the game.  You are so close you can hear the players drop the F-bomb when they strike out! 

Tons of people texted me saying that they saw me on TV and then Ryan yelled at me because I texted back and I always yell at people on TV for texting during a game.  I'm like what, are you bored, why are you on your phone, you paid good money for those seats!  Yep, I'm a hypocrite.  I was also made aware that it was possible for me to be filmed eating so I was careful to chew with my mouth closed.  Your welcome, mom. 

The game was so much fun. 12 innings, one piece of pizza, 3 beers, a Ghiradelli chocolate sunday and about 200 dollars later we left, all smiles.  It was so fun to see Ryan at his first major league baseball game.  He and the 9 year old kid a few rows over had the same look on their face the entire time.  A look similar to the one I would make if Ben and Jerry were like, "Hey Anne, our ice cream is now calorie free." 

Pure joy

P.S I found out after the game that the amazing seats we had were actually a special treat from a very special lady.   THANKS SO MUCH!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Did someone say nap time?

I often catch Abner falling asleep sitting up; his head to heavy to hold and his eyelids fighting to stay open.  I used to think it was cute.  Used to...

Not today,  today I want to poke him and in an extremely condescending voice say, "Oh poor baby.  Didn't you get your 18 hours of sleep?  Your life must be SOO HARD!  All that sleeping and eating and pooping must really must take it out of you.  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIRED IS KID!  Not only do you get to sleep all day but your snoring keeps me up at night making me want to plug your nose and drag your bed down the hall.  If you nod off one more time I'm quitting my job and feeding you Alpo.  That will teach you!"

To be honest I have ranted at him before, Lilly too.  They just look at me with glazed over eyes  (I'm pretty sure Lilly rolls hers) and yawn.  "Mom is crazy....zzzzzzzz."

Oh to be a dog

Friday, September 3, 2010

Fruit of his labor

As you know, Ryan's garden is in full swing with zucchini and I am pleased to report that with the heat we have been having, the tomatoes are getting plump and red.

Most people would use the zucchini for healthy dishes like salad.  Not me, I like carbs!

Today I made a zucchini cake with glorious cream cheese frosting.  As you can see I saved a piece without frosting just in case Ryan wants to try it.  He probably won't, "be in the mood" or he, "won't care for any, thank you" but I still save a piece because I am just that nice.

Really I'm just slowing trying to convert him to eat sweets so I can make MORE and eat MORE and not feel guilty because I AM THE ONLY ONE EATING THEM!


Abandoned Blog?


I apologize AGAIN for being a slacker and not posting lately.  I honestly love writing/venting and sharing my life with whoever reads this word vomit I call a blog.  This is a place I come to relax, regroup and rehash my days; then why hardly any posts all of August?

It has been a LONG MONTH

You know that old saying, "Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."  Well you might want to check your windshield.  There is a large possibility that I'm squished on there with one wing flapping in the breeze.

For various reasons, some of which I will discuss later and some private, I have been left physically and emotionally DRAINED most of this month.  So drained that my usual sarcasm and energy for this blog are rotting on the grill of a Ford truck somewhere between here and San Francisco.

Things have happened this month that I NEVER saw coming and others that were faltering and have finally come to a head.  I feel a sense of calm mixed with the feeling that I am a piece of meat ten starving dogs are fighting over, pulling me in ten different directions, all needing a piece. 

My patience has been tried, my heart overwhelmed and my brain, well, I'm not even sure it is working to be honest.

In the storm of all this, I have had one constant pillar of strength, love and encouragement.  I never knew love like this existed before I met my husband.

I don't have to words (remember the absent brain) to describe what he means to me but it is something similar to nearly dying of dehydration and being greeted at the door with a pitcher of room temperature water and a gallon of ice cream.

Ryan Nessier, you are my room temperature water, my ice cream, my love

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Who stinks?

In my ever evolving, never ending journey to rid my cosmetic case and family of toxins I have tried over 10 different types of deodorant and guess what, toxins make you smell nice!  I have yet to find one that doesn't give up on me by noon. 

Not that I sweat profusely or am unclean, but a grown woman needs a good deodorant.  I don't even mind if I still sweat, but I'd prefer not to smell like musty twelve year old boy at the end of my day, thank you very much.

It is obviously less noticable on days when I don't do a lot of physical activity, but lately I have been working pretty hard WITH STEAM BILLOWING IN MY FACE and let me put it this way, my need/want for a good deodorant that actually works is climbing my priority list. 

On Wednesday I had my first set of "dry runs," which basically means I do a full shift of facials on employees of the spa who critique me.  Well, halfway through with my nerves going and the steam heating up, I was wondering if it was my guest or me that smelt a little ripe.  Upon lifting my arm it became apparent that it was ME.

Mortified, I ran to the bathroom between guests and did a quick white trash shower but who was I kidding, I was forever going to be known as B.O girl.  I can see it now, I walk into the break room and a hush falls because they are all talking about the esthetician with the B.O!  I haven't even been there a month and I'm already a freak!

Anyway, Friday were my final dry runs which I had to pass in order to get on the schedule and start working for real; and by for real I mean making more than minimum wage and TIPS.  Well, Friday morning I'm getting ready and I see my hippie deodorant and think no, not today, today I wear Ryan's toxic deodorant.

By the way, Ryan's deodorant is "off limits" when it comes to my detoxifying.  According to him I can take away his paper towels and Suave shampoo, but  I best not TOUCH THE OLD SPICE!  And if and when he complains about something like getting yelled at for using a paper towel, I always have the guilty excuse of, "I'M SOOOO SORRY FOR TYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, AT LEAST YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR DAMN DEODORANT!"

I smeared it on not even thinking that I would soon smell like a man and not only be the B.O girl, but also be the girl that sometimes smells like a MAN.  Good god, I was never meant for the public eye!

So about 3 facials in I started to smell Old Spice and I was like mmm, nice.  But then for the next three hours I didn't know weather to take a shower or make out with myself. 

Oh life, you are so amusing.

Friday, August 20, 2010

After a long day...

Abner likes to sit back a relax with a nice glass of Cabernet

Don't worry, Mama will finish the bottle

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Just when I thought the kids couldn't get any more obscure...

I walk into the bathroom and THIS is what I see.  My cat and dog rolling around playing in the bathtub!  Aren't dogs and cats supposed to be afraid of the bathtub?  Only my kids.  God help me if I ever have any of the human variety. 

Might as well book the psychologist now, they tend to have a wait list. 

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

So Disappointed

Today one of my favorite stores of all time let me down in a big way;  Target, you have disappointed me. 

I went in for a few items including a pumice stone and walked out with a few items, plus a few more items and maybe a few more items, but NO pumice stone.  I foolishly assumed it would be simple to find a pumice stone but after a good effort of looking on my own, I decided to ask for help. 

"A what?"  asked the Target team member.  "A pumice stone, you know, like to clean hard water spots and toilets." 

Well she had never heard of a pumice stone and told me they had some in the foot care section.  I think you are misunderstanding me Miss, I don't want to scrub my feet I want to scrub my toilets! Oh sorry, we don't have that.


They do however carry approximately 30 other cleaning products that will chemically dissolve the hard water over the course of a month, make your shit literally smell like roses and/or turn your toilet water that bright clean blue color; all effortlessly of course.  No thanks.

I spent the next 10 minutes walking up and down the aisles like a crazy person talking to herself about what the world is coming to.  Is a pumice stone really too much to ask for?

I mean a pumice stone actually WORKS, immediately.  I would like to go on record right here and now that the only way to clean a toilet is to GET OVER IT and put your damn hand in the toilet bowl and scrub for god's sake.  It wont' kill you!   It's not like there is still shit in there and if there is you have bigger problems on your hands than a hard water ring.

I guess I'll have to go to an old school store and get my pumice stone.  Clearly Target is too hip for me.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Missing in action

Wow, the past few weeks have been nothing short of crazy.  I planned on announcing this BEFORE it started, but obviously that didn't happen so...guess what, I got a new job.

99% of the people reading this just rolled their eyes because they already knew and were hoping for something exciting, but for the possible one person that didn't know, now you are up to speed. 

The same person that didn't know about the job probably didn't know that I am an aesthetician who has been working as a nanny for the past year or so.  While I loved the little boy I took care of, I wanted to get back into the skin care world asap.  Enter new job. 

Well, this new job requires some extra training.  8 weeks to be exact.  I know, I know why did I go to esthetic school for 600 hours if I still need 8 weeks of training?  I have no idea, but I am half way through and am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

The training wouldn't be bad if it was held here locally, but it requires me to be gone 4 days and 3 nights a week.  Torture of epic proportions when this is what I see Monday mornings...
I miss Ryan and Lilly as well, but they don't fit in my suitcase or follow me around the house moping and making me feel like the scum of the earth for leaving them all alone.

Anyway, the being out of town and not having access to a computer is why I haven't blogged in so long.  I have plenty to write about and promise once life gets back to "normal" I will be writing a lot more.  In the mean time I will try to post at least a little picture or a story to keep the hundreds of fans wanting more. 

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Obsession of the week

Trader Joe's Chocolate Covered Pretzel Thins

They are so good that it doesn't even make sense.  The perfect amount of pretzel to chocolate to salt to sweet to oh my gosh they are amazing.  If you haven't tried them I HIGHLY recommend you purchase a bag or three. 

Seriously, they are that good.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

Things they should teach you in Drivers Ed but don't...Oh wait, YES THEY DO it's just 99.9% of the class isn't listening, can't understand the concept or forgets two days after their 16th birthday.

Hello, my name is Anne and I have road rage.

No, not the kind where I follow people home and murder their gold fish.  Not even the kind where I flip people off, I'm not that rude.  I have the kind of road rage that causes me to YELL, a lot.   Below are the top reasons I yell and why I am justified in doing so.  What, you didn't think I would go through the trouble of  writing all of this just to be wrong did you?

Merging.  This is a big one, HUGE.  Not knowing how to merge not only causes a lot of traffic, but it also contributes to the busted ear drums of my passengers.

Merging is really very simple if you break it down.  Imagine the road like a zipper and the cars as the prongs.  They all fit together harmoniously because they TAKE TURNS.  One, One.  One, One. All the way up until the zipper is beautifully closed.  

Enter the asshole that doesn't take turns and probably never has.  He is what happens when you accidentally zip your shirt up in your jacket and end up late because you have to spend twenty minutes bargaining with the zipper to please give you back your shirt!

Also, if there are two lanes merging to one, please DO NOT speed up to the front of the line and shove your car in front of someone who has been patiently waiting.  You are a horrible person lane merging cutter.  Like the kid that always cut in line in school, the jerk that took two donuts at the meeting leaving you with none.  The one that is SO IMPORTANT  that they fuck up the zipper for everyone else!  I DON'T LIKE YOU!

One more note on merging before we move on.  You should be at near freeway speed when you enter the freeway.  Please refrain from merging onto a four lane 65mph freeway at 35mph, it makes my eyes bulge in my head.  Also if you are in the slow lane and you see someone merging and you have room to safely move out of their way, MOVE! 

Speed.  Please go the speed limit or slightly faster if you are in the fast lane.  Additionally DO NOT speed up right when I pass you and then pace me in my blind spot or pass me and then go slower once in front of me.  Please, I'm BEGGING YOU, stop doing this.  

I have no problem if you want to drive slower than the speed limit for whatever reason you may have.  Old, scared, new baby in the car, I could give a shit, but stay out of the fast lane and if we are driving on a two lane road with next to no passing zones, could you keep it to like 5 miles under rather than 25.  Thanks, I really appreciate it. 

I also have no problem if you want to speed, I speed too and I'd love you to pass me at an alarming speed and get a ticket rather than me but there are a few requests for you as well, speeders.  Please, if I am in the fast lane and all the other lanes are full and going slow, know that I am only waiting for there to be an opening and then I will gladly move over.  Riding my ass and sighing so loud that I can almost hear you will not make me move.  I will move when I am damn good and ready to avoid having to weave in and out of cars.  Thanks.

Also, speeders, what's with the speeding up really fast on streets laden with stoplights.  What is the point of speeding up really quickly just to have to slow down again and again?  I just don't get it but you look really cool doing it and it totally doesn't waste gas so keep on keeping on.

Hum, what else?  I could go on for hours if I tried but I think that is sufficient in covering the biggest offenders.  So, in review, take turns and be courteous.  You really aren't going to get anywhere faster if you cut or don't let someone else in or tale-gate when there is traffic of weave in and out of cars in traffic or...  This isn't the playground in second grade, grow up.  If nothing else think of my passengers poor ears.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Anyone know how to enter in the state fair?

If you are a regular reader (yes, all three of you) then you know that we have a garden.  It never ceases to amaze me how quickly vegetable gardens grow.  It seems like I check on the zucchini in the morning and they are barely big enough to pick and by nightfall they are HUGE.  How does this happen?

First of all plants kind of freak me out anyway.  I mean how does a seed know to grow into a plant that flowers and produces FOOD.  FOOD THAT WE CAN EAT! 

It really is insane if you think about it.  Or maybe I'm just thinking a bit to much. 

Anyway, Ryan was out back yesterday and all of a sudden I hear, "HOLY SHIT!"  I of course think he is either talking to Abner, getting ready to yell at Abner or has just stepped in Abner's shit because pretty much any time one of us says holy shit Abner is the unholy shit we are refering to. 

But I digress

I walk outside and Ryan is absolutely GLOWING, grinning from ear to ear, and holding a huge mutant zucchini.  This thing was unreal!  We marveled at it for a bit, giggled like we were the sole creators of the very thought of zucchini and then looked at each other and were like, now what do we do with it?

We did what anyone would do.  Took some killer pictures and then let the dog eat it.