Thursday, April 26, 2012

Is He a Good Baby? And Other Really Annoying Questions

Every mother knows that going out in public with a baby brings on an outrageous amount of unsolicited advice from obnoxious well meaning strangers, but what's up with all the questions?  Oh my goodness...the QUESTIONS!!

Does he use a pacifier?  Are you breastfeeding?  Why are you still breastfeeding?  Does he sleep through the night?  Is he in his own bed?  Why isn't that baby wearing a hat?  It's cold.  Boy or girl? Is he a good baby?  Are you just so in love?  Why do you hold that baby so much?  You will spoil him.

Are you kidding me!?

Now, I understand that most people just like babies and are trying to strike up casual conversation so they can touch my baby with their questionably clean hands and tell me to enjoy every second, BUT some of these questions rub me the wrong way.  Perhaps it is because of the "kind" of baby I have and perhaps it is because I just don't have the answer they are looking for.

Does he use a pacifier?  My answer: Yep, he does.  What I want to say: And no, I'm not worried that he will suck it until high school and end up with buck teeth and a creepy oral fixation that will lead him to be a serial killer with a soothie calling card.  What I AM worried about is his blood curdling scream in the car and sometimes at night that is typically soothed with a pacifier when my nipples need a break.  Which leads me to my next question.

Are you breastfeeding?  My answer: Yes, I am.  What I want to say: Part of me wants to say, "none of your damn business." But I think this topic in particular interests not only mothers but everyone!  And I am happy to talk about it, while doing it, gasp, IN PUBLIC! if my kid is hungry.  I do not find my or any child eating in public to be offensive, but what I do find offensive in public is a baby screaming and ripping at my shirt because he is hungry.

Why are you still breastfeeding?  My answer: Because my baby is still hungry.  What I want to say is: You know, I feed him all the time but he never seems to fill up! Sarcasm  I also want to point out that bottle fed babies are still getting bottles but that just opens up the GIANT can of mommy war breast vs. bottle worms and I DO NOT want to get into that discussion in line at the market!  If you are feeding your baby, I'm happy.

Does he sleep through the night?  This is BY FAR the most ridiculous question to ask a mother.  General public, stop asking this question!  If the baby isn't then you are asking a sleep deprived, hormonal woman a stupid question and you may just get an earful.  My answer: Yes, he just wakes up a lot.  Their look: BLANK STARE.  What I REALLLLLLY want to say: Don't ask me that fucking question AGAIN stranger!  Why do you care?  Are you going to come over and relieve me at 2am?  Do you have some advice that I haven't already heard yet that worked on your neighbors uncles second cousins baby?  Or do you want to brag about how all your kids started sleeping through by 6 weeks and then tell me how you did it?  Or perhaps you want to look at me with pity and say, "Wow, I don't know how you do it.  I'd just kill myself if I was up that much. Thank god my babies slept"  Be my guest, asshole.

No baby sleeps through the night.  Hell, even adults don't!  It's just some babies call out when they wake up and some roll over and go back to sleep.  Can you tell I'm sick of "does your baby sleep?" questions, as if sleeping all night is some sort of major accomplishment to be placed front and center on ones resume.  Caches, we were going to give you the job as CEO, but we hear that you woke up all night for a good year so, sorry, better luck next time.  This may rub some people the wrong way, but I think parents give themselves WAY too much credit for their babies sleep.  Sleep is not something you can force, teach or train a baby to do.  All you can do is exactly what I do.  Give the baby a comfortable, safe place to sleep and pray to god that he doesn't wake up ALL FUCKING NIGHT! Maybe I'm a little defensive on this one...moving on

Is he in his own bed?  Another favorite.  My answer: No.  Usually followed by them warning me that I am creating a horrible habit and it will be impossible to ever get him in his own room and we are all going to end up on dateline when I move in with my son to his college dorm to sleep with him in his extra long twin bed!  My question for them, if they are wearing a wedding ring. Do you sleep alone in your own room?  Yeah, thought so.

What I really want to say is again, WHY DO YOU CARE?  It is not your bed, not your baby, not your face that gets punched all night, not your marriage, family or problem.  Because my baby doesn't sleep through the night, eats a minimum of 2 times and calls out to us frequently. it just plain makes life easier!  Plus, waking up to baby noises, cuddles and possible blowing of raspberries on my arm is the BEST way to start the day.

Why isn't that baby wearing a hat?  It's cold!  My answer: I usually don't even acknowledge this one.  I kinda just smile and walk on.  What I want to say: Because it's not that cold!  We live in central California!  Orrrrr maybe I forgot it at home.  Depends on the day

Boy or girl?  My answer: Boy.  What I want to say: Boy.  This question is usually asked by older folks who are just wanting to smile at a baby.  Maybe in their generation girls wore blue?

Is he a good baby?  My answer: What do you mean?  They usually then ask if he sleeps well, which I will never understand why that alone constitutes weather a baby is good or bad, but in that case, nope.  He is bad.  Bad? Can a baby be bad? 

Personally I don't think so.  I think even a screaming, demanding, exhausting, needy, up all night baby is STILL a good baby.  Maybe not ideal for the brain functioning of mama, but still good.  Maybe I'm just sensitive to this because by modern, stranger/general public terms I have a "bad" baby.  Sigh

Are you just so in love?  My answer: Yes.  What I want to say: I am absolutely head over heals obsessively in love with my baby, but it wasn't always this way.  It took me months, yes MONTHS to fall in love with my baby.  This may shock some of you who think that the instant you lock eyes with your newborn that you fall madly, deeply forever in love, and for some mothers that is true, it just wasn't for me.  And guess what, THAT IS OKAY.  I felt love for him the moment we met, heck I felt love for him when he was a zygote!  I also felt a fierce primal desire to protect and care for him, but actually falling in love took some time.

Maybe it is because we had a rough start.  Him spending much of the first few months screaming and me thinking it was all my fault.  Or maybe it is because we just had to get to know each other first.  Discover what makes the other one tick, our likes and dislikes, needs and desires.  Or maybe I just needed to let go of any and ALL expectations I had and love and accept this perfect baby for who he is, NOT what I wish he would be. cough...quiet for a two hour stretch at night...cough

Why do you hold that baby so much?  You will spoil him.  My answer: I only hold him as much as he wants to be held.  What I want to say: You can NOT spoil a baby!  Maybe I do hold him "too much" but I guarantee that never, EVER will I look back on my baby's first year and think gosh, I sure do wish I didn't hold him so much.

And even though sometimes all I want to do is PUT THE FREAKIN' KID DOWN FOR FIVE FREAKIN' MINUTES, I know that I will never regret the time I spent rocking my baby.  Even now, at nearly ten months old, the fact that he is pushing me away and asking to be put down stings my heart a little.  I can only imagine looking at him five, ten, twenty years later and wishing that he would just let me hold him one more time.  Babies aren't babies for long, hold them while you can...even if it is ALL. DAY. LONG.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Walk The Line

We have a walker.  A cautious, only 4-5 steps at a time walker, but a walker no less.  I haven't been able to catch it on camera because if he sees me or anyone else holding the phone/video camera he just wants to eat it and whines instead of walking.  So in the mean time, enjoy a video of him practicing with his little cart. 


Monday, April 23, 2012

Where Have I Been? Four Words

Sick. Baby. Sick. Husband.  

Hummm, now that I think about it those are kind of the same thing.  At any rate, add those together, sprinkle on the fact that Caches thought sleeping was a complete waste of time for a good 3.5 weeks and top it off with me being flat lazy and not able to rub two brain cells together to write and there you have it. 

The good news is that the baby has yet to kill me, just my brain cells, and I have kind of been remembering to snap more pictures here and there.  You want more good news you say?  Okay, I aim to please.  Caches has officially taken his first steps and is getting better and better at walking every day.  He still refuses to even try crawling, but I have a feeling that will fall into place when he is damn good and ready, like everything. 

Wait, did I say that was good news?  Blessing in disguise?  Which I never understood the idea of anyway...Yeah, kind of good news but also kind of an extra added bonus annoyance.  Now he wants to get down and practice all day and night and thinks he is FAR more accomplished at the task than he truly is.  This makes for A LOT of bending over and waddle walking and nearly throwing ones self of of mom's arms because, holy shit there is a floor and I can totally walk on it!

Every mom I that hears he is close to walking likes to remind me that I don't want him to because then I'll have to chase him around and baby proof, and I'll never get anything done and...Well, NO.  I do want him to!  I want him to so badly because then I can put him down for 5 minutes and he might just be content to walk around.  Yes he may walk over to the TV and bash it with a hanger, but if in those five minutes I'm able to pour a cup of coffee and empty the dishwasher with my hands free then I'll take it!  Plus, we have a french bulldog, our house is already baby proof! 

Okay, enough talk.  Here are some picture of the ALMOST TEN MONTH OLD Caches Michael

Monday, April 9, 2012

When the Cat Hits the Fan

We usually see Georgia at least once during the course of a day, so when Ryan hadn't seen her at all by dinner time, he asked if I had.  Nope, and I don't care...

"You haven't seen her and you don't care?"

"She is dead to me."

Laughing..."And why is that?"

"I'm over her shit.  I'm done. So over it in fact, that Webster needs a new word for it.  Like supercalafragafuckingoverit! Exclamation point!"

"I'm assuming she threw up again."

"Twice on the comforter last night just as I had gotten comfortable and once this morning that I nearly stepped in.  She then proceeded to spend the ENTIRE day sleeping on the bed mocking me."

"She was mocking you?"

"She ABSOLUTELY was!"  

This is the point when Ryan knows it is best not to disagree.  Just smile and and nod.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter

I hope you all have a beautiful Easter weekend

Abner giving Caches bunny ears :)

Friday, April 6, 2012

Taking a Walk

I know I keep mentioning that Caches is trying to walk, but where is the proof!?  Well, like everyone else in this family he has performance anxiety and the second the camera is on him he freezes.  Luckily we were really persistent and out of 15 failed videos we got one decent one...and then when the camera was put away he was walking up a storm around the table and with us only holding one finger.  Sigh

I particularly like that Abner is trying to steal the show by rolling around in the background.  



Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Take Two

Caches had his nine month doctors appointment this Monday and besides a physical, he is 17 lb 12 oz and 29 inches long, the doctor ordered a blood draw to check his iron and hemoglobin levels.  Sure, why not, let's see just how loud this kid can scream.  So after darting around avoiding loud noises and nap annoyances a nap in the ergo and a kombucha to calm my nerves, we headed to the lab. 

It was decided that Ryan, though he just had elbow surgery (more about that later), would hold Caches down and I would sing softly in his ear while he quietly sat and had his blood drawn.  Hey, a girl can dream. Well, in true Caches form, he started screaming the second his movement was restricted and kept the exact same enthusiasm and volume throughout the draw.

Of course hearing my baby scream breaks my heart and make my boobs ache, and I would gladly take ANY and all pain for him, but to be honest, he throws the same level of screaming spitting holding his breath fit if I don't give him a piece of my banana in .02 seconds.  That being said, it totally sucked, I hated every second, and I never want to do it again.

I had to do it again...

The hospital called this morning and was like um, yeah, we were unable to complete the full work up and need you to come back and get another draw.  Really!!??  They were incredibly apologetic and got us right in, but this was not how I wanted to punctuate my day!  Plus this time Ryan was at work and I had to hold my baby down as the evil phlebotomist stuck his arm. 

After they were done and I regained partial hearing, the phlebotomist asked us to wait out front because he was going to bring us a card.  Okay. What?  Why?  Random.  After a few minutes he came out with a CVS gift card for our inconvenience.  He said that they like to hand these out in this circumstance.  Obscure, but I'll take it. 

Was that paragraph as painful to read as I think it was?  Yeah, sorry.  I re-read it like 20 times and tried to sort it out but I'm tired so I gave up. 

Anyway, I'll probably buy some wine and sleeping pills a candy bar with the gift card and bring along the boy who now looks just a little bit like a a heroin junkie.  And if they call and inform me that they need to do it again, well they can just go right ahead and get bent because it is NOT happening.  If I want to hear my baby scream well then I'll just go change his diaper.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

9 Months

Caches Michael,

Today you are nine months old.  Holy cow, that means you have been outside of my body almost as long as you were inside (five days past your eviction day thankyouverymuch) and I think you are FINALLY starting to get the hang of this whole living on planet earth thing. 

You now smile brightly when you see someone you know and even at friendly strangers and other children.  Caches, we waited a LONG time for that smile to spread easily across your face, and now that it does, I simply can not get enough of it.  I'd stare at your smile all day if I could, baby.  You even have two little crooked teeth that peek out from your bottom gums, and by the amount of fuss they caused coming out, I assume they are made of flaming hot daggers; they are sharp!

You still absolutely refuse to even TRY crawling and when you end up on your belly you raise all your limbs as if you are free falling or balancing on a surf board.  Sometimes you will do baby push ups or raise your butt in the air for a bit, but usually you just get pissed off and want me to help you stand.  Caches, if you are not in arms you are standing.

You can now stand completely unassisted for many seconds and even bend over to pick up toys and stand up again.  You pull up on anything and everything in .3 seconds and you cruise around coffee tables, chairs, couches, legs and unsuspecting dogs.  The world is your, "I'm going to walk, dammit" playground, and I have a feeling you are going to pick it up any day now.

Unfortunately you are currently on a sleeping strike and when I tried to cross the picket line I was spat on and screamed at.  Apparently your cause is a strong one.  I have no idea why you are so wakeful or what kind of exciting things you think are happening at all hours of the night that you want to be a part of, but you don't back down easily.  I think perhaps you would rather be practicing walking and see sleep as merely an inconvenience that cuts down on your work.  Whatever your reason for fighting off sleep, I sincerely hope your don't carry this habit with your into adulthood.  Lack of sleep can make a person crazy, I KNOW!

Our relationship isn't quite like any other mama and baby around.  We have a special little thing going on that is just between you and I.  Understanding you is kind of like figuring out a secret handshake to get into the most exclusive underground club and I am FINALLY gaining access!!  You demand and expect me to figure out what you want and due to your persistence you give me plenty of opportunities to guess.  And while I want you to grow and connect to others, I have a feeling that no matter how far you are from me, I will always know your secrets. 

Caches, I almost feel as if I too were born just nine moths ago.  Reborn I guess would be more accurate, but who's counting.  Nine months ago I was woman, today I am a mother.  Thank you baby, for making me a mama,