Monday, December 19, 2011

Coffee Talk

Last night during Caches' two hour screaming breakdown, Abner decided to put a cherry on top of our night by pacing the bedroom acting like he was in pain.  Whether it was his back acting up, his ears burning from the screaming, or his tummy hurting because Ryan and I accidentally both fed them, I don't know (by the way they were SO pumped about that little mishap.  Lilly looked at me like this, THIS is how much food I require at every meal!)  but Ryan passed the baby off to me and lay down with Abner in hopes that he would settle and quit shorting and sniffling and waking up the baby! 

Finally everyone fell asleep in some sort of dysfunctional pile of limbs and stayed that way until morning.  When I emerged from the bedroom half alive and cursing the dawn, I made my way to the kitchen for some brains coffee.  There I saw Ryan standing by the coffee pot kind of looking over his shoulder.

"I have poop on my shoulder!"

"Baby or Abner?"

"I don't really know.  Whoever rubbed their butt hole on me last night."

Just like that.  No caps lock, no shocking discovery, no ewww or gross, just poop on the shoulder.  Now some of you may be wondering why we are so calm about poop, and I'll tell you.  It is because Abner has gotten poop on us no less that 50 times in his 3 years without a proper tail.  And while it is still disgusting, after a while the shock of poop on your clothes just kinda fades away. 

That is until three hours later when you decided to hug your sweet husband and find yourself literally face to face with Abner's shit smear.  That was a little shocking.  We typically change our poop clothes straight away.

Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Monday, December 12, 2011

Ah, Monday

In case you didn't notice the lack of posts last week, there was a lack of posts last week, like none!  It was a rough one.  I was sick, Ryan was dying a slow painful death sick and the baby was so grumpy I was THIS close to sending him back to live with Snow White and the other 6 dwarfs! 

I'm pretty sure the reason for all the snot and tears boils down to one word.  A word so precious that I'd give my left pinky toe to experience it;  SLEEP!  NOBODY SLEEPS IN THIS HOUSE.  Correction, nobody with opposable thumbs sleeps in this house, and to be honest it was getting totally out of hand. 

When Caches's sleep first started regressing I assumed it was a developmental jump or his reflux acting up or something that would pass.  I waited for it to pass, and then I waited some more.  Then I thought, hey, let's wait some more because I didn't almost fall asleep in the shower STANDING UP! 

Then, after being up over 13 times in 11 hours, yes I counted, I found myself getting angry at my baby.  A feeling that kinda feels like a hot knife searing your heart.  I was so upset with myself for feeling this way, but I could not fight the feeling, I was spent.  Something had to give because a grumpy baby and an exhausted mama are NOT a good combination all day.  I simply was not enjoying my baby.  Just typing that brings tears to my eyes, but it is brutally honest. 

From the time I found out I was pregnant, and even before, I always saw myself as a Dr. Sears mom.  Carrying my sweet baby around in a sling all day, co-sleeping and never letting him cry or want for anything.  That was a nice thought. 

Reality BITES!

I do not have that baby!  I have to repeat it because it is still hard for me to accept.  I DO NOT have that kind of baby!  I'm sure there are some women reading this who just rolled their eyes so violently that their heads snapped back, but I can guarantee that they never had a baby like Cache.  I tried, god knows I tried, but it was just not going to happen.  So after exhausting every suggestion from Dr. Sears and alike I finally accepted that I can still be the mom I want to be I just need to change my expectations and stop torturing myself.

Now onto the next controversy.  What three little words that can instantly bring on a debate of presidential proportion among mothers?  Cry It Out.  A method that I never really researched because I never thought I'd need to use it.  Ah, to be naive.  Well, I knew that I could never just shut the door and ignore my baby until morning so that was simply not an option, but I didn't know that there are many versions of CIO that you can kind of play around with until you find something that works for you. 

After TONS of research and second guessing myself I decided to try a modified version where Caches was never just left to cry for extended periods of time so please don't email me and tell me I'm ruining my baby's life!!! 

And...IT FUCKING SUCKS!  I'd rather go through labor again than listen to my baby cry!  I know that he was crying even if I held him, but for some reason listening to it from the other room is exponentially harder.  I won't get into too much detail as all this is really boring if you aren't a parent going through it and I'd like to keep at least one reader. 

So, after weeks of trying and failing and trying again and failing again and trying yet again, we finally figured out a system that seems to be working.  We are still up way more than a normal person should be, but it is worlds better than it used to be.  We'll keep on keeping on and hopefully in a few more weeks Santa won't ask to use the bags under my eyes to carry his toys this Christmas. 

Speaking of Christmas, here is our card


 And with the cat...


Not as cute, but totally us!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Cup A Joe

Caches has become enthralled with cups.   Full cups, empty cups, paper or glass, he loves them all.  Of course he prefers a full cup he can spill, but I digress.  This morning after some much needed coffee was injected directly into my veins slurped from my mug, Ryan gave it to the baby.  I made him get EVERY LAST DRIP out of the mug first because the LAST thing this kid needs is caffeine! 

He was pretty excited



Then he realized it was empty...


Thursday, December 1, 2011

5 Months

Caches,

Today is the first of December and you are five months old.  Mama has a wicked sinus infection or something going on so please forgive me if this is not one of my better letters.  As I write you are napping IN YOUR OWN BED!  Now, this may not seem like all that big of a deal, but for me, for US, this is HUGE.  It took a few weeks of practice and persistence, but you have excelled.  Most days you only cat nap, 20 or 30 minutes, but sometimes you surprise me and doze for an hour or two.

You would think I would rest during this time, because why wouldn't a sleep deprived, half crazy person rest when then child is napping?  Because they have things to do and their baby STILL, at five months, will not allow productivity during normal waking hours!  I am lucky to get my teeth brushed and clothes changed while you are awake.  Caches, you want to be an active part of EVERYTHING. 

You will not settle for sitting around simply observing life.  You want to EAT life!!  Literally, you put everything in your mouth.  Toys, blankets, my face, the dogs ears and once, a sprig of cilantro.  I guess that technically the cilantro was your first taste of real food and you were not a fan.  You are bound and determined to do what you want and it frustrates you that you are still not able to do things like walk, talk, and dance to Beyonce.  You want to take on the world right NOW.  Your dad and I joke that you are a mini Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka, constantly complaining and demanding and damn it, where the hell is your golden egg laying goose??!!

Caches, you are a challenge!

We have a bit of a loose schedule evolving, but there are still rough days when I just don't know what to do with you!  These are the times that I desperately wish you could talk and just tell me what you want.  I can't guarantee that I could give it to you, but I promise I'd try.  A pony?  Sure, coming right up, just STOP WHINING!!!

Each day is a dance with you baby.  Most times you take the lead and I follow, clumsily stepping on your feet, missing steps and lacking rhythm, but we dance on.  We dance through the tears and the frustrations, the giggles and the sweet embraces.  We dance in the dark of night and the dim light of early morning.  Some day maybe I will find just the right song to calm your racing heart but until then baby, the beat goes on.

Love,
Mama


Cache playing the "drums"



video

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Baby, It's Cold Outside

I don't know about you, but I have the hardest time determining what clothing is appropriate for Caches.  It seems like he would be cold all the time and I should dress him warm but apparently you shouldn't dress baby too warm because they can overheat.  His hands are pretty much freezing no matter what temperature it is outside so that is no help in determining his comfort level.  And just as a side, he likes to rub said freezing hands all over my warm back while nursing causing my body to jump and contort like I have ants in my pants.  Someday kid, you will get an ice cube down your shirt and I will laugh.

Well, I HATE being too hot and only kind of dislike being too cold so I tend to dress Caches on the lighter side.  You know, because I'm sure he feels exactly the same as I do about temperature.  I get a few dirty looks from moms who bundle their babies in 3 fuzzy blankets, a hat and a snow suit, but last time I checked we lived in central California, not Minnesota. 

So until he can talk, Caches will be dresses to my comfort level and if you have ever tried to hold a baby all bundled up and squirmy then you will understand why my comfort level is minimal clothes and maximum dirty looks. What, he has a hat on!!??


Tuesday, November 29, 2011

When You Have A Day That Only A Cupcake With Too Much Icing Will Cure

Only a short time ago I shared Abner's near death experience with anaphylaxis and guess what, he is STILL TRYING TO KILL HIMSELF!!!

Last Tuesday we were all sitting quietly on the couch when all of a sudden Abner jumped up and started walking around as if he were drunk, or having a seizure, or both.  He paced back and forth looking as though he was going to vomit, his sad little face contoured in pain.  I, of course, panic and think the IS in fact dying until I realize that it is more than likely his back.

Sure enough, after the original freak out, he started exhibiting classic symptoms of back pain.  We called our awesome vet who puts HIMSELF on call every night and he told us to give him a muscle relaxer and a pain pill and come in early the next morning. 

Of course all this is happening while the baby is screaming and won't sleep.  So I spent the night in the bedroom with Caches, worrying about Abner all night while Ryan camped out in the front room with the dogs probably worrying about me. 

The next morning they squeezed us in and no surprise, his back is worse.  The slipped disc is now compressing the spine causing some loss of sensation and sciatic like pain that shoots through his body like it does in humans.  Having had sciatica problems myself I feel for the poor guy.   It is really important that we keep him from jumping off of anything or the next step could be surgery.  We have already spent a small fortune on this dog, why not add thousands of dollars for surgery.

Well, he spent the entire day in the hospital for x-rays and the kind of drugs I wish they'd give me and is now slowing returning to his old self.  This means that he is an absolute basket case of energy that wants to jump on EVERYTHING and run around and burn out on the hardwood floors and play and bark and drive mama nuts. 

Making sure Abner isn't trying to kill himself is a full time job in and of itself.  Now add to that my kid who thinks sleeping is the worst idea EVER, my body who decided to give up and finally get a sinus infection and you have one hell of a day. 

Just this morning I was attempting to keep the baby asleep in my arms a little bit longer when Georgia decided to jump onto the bed causing Abner to attempt to follow.  I gave him the death stare and so instead of jumping he started barking.  Perfect.  Now the baby is stirring and the dog is barking and you guessed it, the cat is retching...and vomiting on my feet.  At this point I stopped, looked around and was like, fuck Kim Kardashian, where is MY reality show!!!

Abner, looking out the window
ON THE COUCH
Pouting

Monday, November 28, 2011

He's Still Got It

You know how sometimes you say something so witty that it surprises even you?  Yeah, I used to too.  That is until the baby ate my brain.  Fortunately Ryan still has half of his brain left and during Thanksgiving  dinner he pulled out a real gem.  

We were all gathered around the table, enjoying our meal and laughing (Scratch that, THEY were all enjoying their meals.  I was eating left over sweet potato chili and polenta from three nights ago, but I pout and complain digress)  when someone, and I don't even remember who, commented that I had lost all my baby weight.  I thanked them for the complement but because I can't just take a complement and keep my mouth shut, I had to add that I still have about seven pounds to lose and that maybe, just maybe my skirt was cutting off the circulation to my legs. 

Without missing a beat, my lovely husband chimes in, "It's OK babe, baby weight doesn't count, it's like highway miles."

Really!?  Highway miles!?

And I repeat...he's lucky he's cute.

Hope you all had a great Thanksgiving.  Here are a few shots from the day


Caches and Oz, his manny 


 Uncle Nic and Aunt Brittany





 "I wish I was a little bit taller..."








Comparing who has more hair

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Give Thanks

Each day I try to set aside some time to reflect and give thanks.  Some days my attitude is pretty negative and remembering how fortunate I am helps put things in perspective.  Sure, there are days that I don't get around to it, and even days when I plain don't feel like doing it, but this time of year it seems almost impossible to forget.  The holiday season is in full swing and my favorite holiday of all, Thanksgiving, is today.

I love the time spent with family; the laughs, the food, the memories, and that there is little consumerism tied to this holiday.  Sure there is a lot of food advertisements and a few turkey decorations, but nothing like the bombardment of Christmas.  Today is about giving thanks, not gifts.  Being grateful for what you have, not what you want. and boy, do I have A LOT to be thankful for.

This year I have been blessed not only with a gorgeous baby boy, but with an entirely new outlook on life.  Looking into Caches' sparkling eyes, so full of wonderment and joy gives me a deeper appreciation for my family and a love for my husband so strong it overwhelms my heart. 

Today I am thankful for far too much to list so I will simply say this, "My cup runneth over."  And yes, I kinda wish it was with booze.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

To Do

I love lists.  Let me reiterate that, I LOVE LISTS.  I make lists for everything; The market, my day, shopping, household chores, you name it, I list it.  I think part of the reason I love to make lists is so that I can cross things off.  There is noting quite as satisfyingly as crossing things off of a list.  And when you get to cross off the LAST ITEM, pure bliss.  I even add things like "brush teeth" to my lists just for the satisfaction of crossing them off.  Or maybe it is because I can't even remember my own name these days, but I digress.

Pre-baby, my lists were ambitious and usually complete by the days end.  They looked a little something like this.  Walk dogs, laundry, iron, vacuum, steam mop, market, make dinner, work out, call so and so, email so and so, blog. 

Now my lists look like this.  Walk dogs, brush teeth, keep the baby from crying all day. 

Today my list looks like this.  1) Drink coffee 2) Resist selling the baby at Wal Mart. Seriously, that is illegal. 3) No Anne,  you can't sell the baby at Costco either 4) Possibly brush teeth

Some days it's just about keeping your head above water. 

Friday, November 18, 2011

Chit Chat

Caches has become rather chatty lately

It is so fun to listen to him discovering his voice 

Sounds kinda like this...

video

Thursday, November 17, 2011

The Day I Ran Away.

If you have read my blog or seen my hagged face lately, you know that the past few months have been a bit rough.  When I found out I was pregnant I in no way thought it was going to be easy.  I knew I was in for a life changing experience.  I expected to miss out on activities, loose sleep and rearrange everything about my daily life, but I NEVER, even in my wildest dreams expected to have Rosemary's Baby!

I swear if his head spins and he spews peas I'M OUT OF HERE!

As of late, things have calmed down around here, at least during the day, but for a while there were a few pockets of time each day when Caches would SCREAM like someone was pulling off his toenails one by one for hours straight.  NO breaks, NO chance of soothing him, just screaming!!  And though your heart breaks a little bit every time you hear your baby cry, there is a part of me that became a bit hardened to sound.  You just can't listen to something so awful, so often and not start to tune it out.  It is SURVIVAL!

Anyway, it had been a particularly difficult day and I had just spent 45 minutes getting Caches down for a nap only to have him wake up 13 minutes later, you guessed it, screaming.  I went into the bedroom to pick him up hoping he would stop but he is no quitter.  All of a sudden a wave of massive anxiety came over my body and I HAD to get away.  It was not an option.

I handed Ryan the baby and told him that I was leaving, RIGHT NOW.  When he asked why I completely lost it and yelled through tears that I could not listen to the screaming for even one more fucking second.  By this time I was already rifling through my diaper bag looking for my wallet and keys.  Ryan asked me not to drive but I ignored him.  "Where are you going?" he asked me, and because I needed to, but hadn't gotten around to depositing a check I had, I told him that I was going to the bank!  Whoa, slow down rebel, the bank? Yes, I ran away to run an errand.  I may be crazy but I am efficient.

Ignoring Ryan's request not to dive I left the house with salty cheeks and drove away.  I could still hear the screaming echoing in my ears as the house shrunk in my rear view mirror and I pleaded with my body to make it stop.  I just needed one minute, make that ONE SECOND of complete silence.

Well, the bank only took about 5 minutes and I was still not ready to come home so I parked out in front of my house and cried.  Tears of frustration and doubt, of sadness and love poured from my eyes and with them fell anxiety and fear until my face was soaked in emotion.  That's the thing about crying.  Sometimes you NEED to cry.  Did you know that your tears actually contain hormones and when you have an excess your body cries to get it out?  Human body, you are amazing!

Once I felt I could, I got out of my car and headed for the door.  I held my breath as I turned the key, praying that I would walk into a peaceful home.  And there, in the kitchen, stood Ryan and Caches dancing to a song on the radio.  My heart was so full of love that I thought I was going to cry again but I couldn't, I didn't need to, and so I smiled.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

The Simple Things

Like watching the rain


When you have a baby 

you realize how jaded you yourself have become

Everything old is new again 

And watching him mesmerized by the rain 

makes me remember how beautiful it is

Monday, November 14, 2011

Brain Check, Aisle 3

It is a rarity that I leave the house without my side kick but when I do, I FREAKING LOVE IT.  And I don't even feel guilty saying that.  Me, the guilt queen, NO GUILT.  It is like heaven in the car with no screaming and music, not white noise on the radio.  Then, when I get to my destination I have not one, but two whole hands and almost 25% of a brain to accomplish my errands.

So you can imagine my delight when a few weeks ago I got to go the market ALONE.  I gathered my shopping bags and was out of the house so fast I don't even remember leaving.  Once at the market I filled my cart and headed to check out in record time.  Ahh, I am good...so nice...wait, NO where is my wallet?  Please don't tell me...I was doing so good...Shit, that 25% of a brain really let me down this time.

Yeah, since eliminating my purse for a diaper bag that I don't bring with me when I'm sans baby I tend to forget that minor detail.  I'm kinda like that friend that everyone has one of.  You know, the one that is always short on cash or "forgets" their wallet.  Well, not only was I that friend, I was also on a limited amount of time and didn't want to put everything back, drive home, and start all over but I couldn't exactly call Ryan to come help me.  AHH!  What's a lost mom to do?

Call her mom!!

I dialed my mom and the moment she answered I couldn't stop laughing as I explained my plight.  I told her I was at the market and SHE GUESSED THAT I FORGOT MY WALLET.  You guys, my mom can read my mind.  I explained to her that I was just so excited to leave the house that I didn't even think to grab a wallet!  Luckily she wasn't busy and drove immediately to the market and bailed my tired ass out. 

It reminded me that no matter how old I am, even as a mom myself, I still need my mom sometimes.  And someday, 20 some odd years from now, I hope Caches calls me to bail his ass out too.  Not from jail though.  He'll have to find some other sucker for that.

Friday, November 11, 2011

A Favorite


Hundreds of pictures have been snapped in the past 4 months.  

This is one of my favorites

Thursday, November 10, 2011

It's Oh So Quiet...

NOT.  I never realized how loud my house was until I had a baby.   And of course I would have one of the most sensitive sleepers EVER!  I have no idea where he gets it from ME.  You know how a lot of babies sleep soundly in the car seat while their parents shop in Target?  Not mine.  Every creak in the floor, every knee or knuckle crack sounds like an alarm to him.  I take a deep breathe while holding him and he startles.  And don't even get me started on DOG TOENAILS ON THE HARDWOOD FLOORS.

Why is it that the second the kid falls asleep Lilly and Abner feel the need to do laps.  TICK TICK TICK all the way down the hall.  Oh, is the baby sleeping?  Cool, let me flap my ears or snort really loudly before I TICK TICK TICK back down the hall!!  I swear I'm giving Lilly an ear bra and cutting OFF Abner's toenails for Christmas. 

When the baby falls asleep and I morph into a ninja.  First I have to ninja creep out of the room careful not to let my ankles crack as I slip away.  Then there is the S L O W turn of the door knob all the while holding my breath.  Once in the hall I take a deep breath to avoid passing out and rush to the video monitor where I proceed to watch him sleep like it's my job.  As if my watching his every move makes him stay asleep longer.  Inhale, exhale...inhale exhale.  Oh no, he's moving!!!  No, baby, NO!  NOBODY BREATHE!!!

And this is on days when Ryan is not home.  When he is home it adds a whole other dimension to the mix.  For whatever reason my sweet husband who has many gifts, was not blessed with he ability to be quiet.  He cannot speak quietly, walk quietly, sneeze quietly...he can't do ANYTHING quietly.  He also can't quite understand why I go all psycho killer dirty look on him when he makes noise.  It goes something like this. Me: Really??? You're going to eat potato chips??? Couldn't you have chosen a quieter food??  The baby is sleeping.  Him: Really??? Just when I thought you couldn't get any crazier YOU DO!!  Me: Fine but I swear if your chewing wakes that kid up I'm banishing chips from this house!!  Him: CRUNCH, CRUNCH, CRUMPLE THE BAG!!!

I have a feeling this ninja dance is going to go on for the next, oh 4 years or so.  I should probably invest in a sweet mask and a sword.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Of Course THIS Would Happen

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about it here, but when Abner was a baby he went into anaphylactic shock after receiving his puppy shots.  Thank goodness we were just down the street from the vet when I noticed that he didn't look quite right and ran back in where they were able to save his life.  Because of this, from now on when Abner gets shots he has to be both pre and post medicated and stay at the vet for a few hours of observation.  Can you say HIGH NEEDS...

Anyway, we are extremely careful with him and had never had a problem with his allergies until a few weeks ago.  On Saturday morning, after his morning pee, I noticed that his face looked a bit swollen.  I figured he got into something and gave him a Benadryl.  A few hours later the swelling was gone and he was fine...until Sunday morning when he was covered in HIVES!!


Assuming he was getting into something in the yard, Ryan and I scoured every inch trying to find what could possible be giving him a reaction.  It could have been a spider or a bee, but to be stung or bitten two days in a row seems far fetched...even for Abner.  Another dose of Benedryl and he was smooth again...Until Monday

Monday morning I noticed what looked like one large hive on his bottom. I kept a close eye on him and within an hour he was covered.  Not knowing what was causing the hives I decided to call the vet and bring him in.  At this point I was totally calm, then his breathing became labored.  I freaked out and called my mom who rushed over to take Abner in while I stayed home with Whiny Baby Crier Caches.

My mom arrived home about a half hour later with NO DOG!!  She explained that he was in full blown alaphylactic shock and we literally got him to the vet just in time.  10 more minutes and he probably would have died from his throat closing!  WHAT!!!??

WHAT????????????????

I thought he just had a few hives.  NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think he was dying!!!  According to the vet, he was probably stung by a bee or bitten by a spider on Saturday when I noticed the initial swelling.  The Benadryl simply kept the reaction under control, but it kept reoccurring over and over getting worse each time.  I had no idea this could even happen!!

The vet kept him under close observation all day Monday and by late afternoon I picked up a very happy, doped up pup.  We now have the equivalent of a doggy epi pen, in pill form.  We have to keep pills with him at all times and if he is ever stung or breaks out in hives again we are to give him two pills and RUSH to the closest vet.  Just want I need.  One more thing the worry about. 

At least he doesn't seem to be upset about it.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Lightbulb Moments

A while back, before Caches was born, I was scanning the TV guide and saw that Wheel of Fortune was on.  For some reason I hit the info button and the info stated that this was a game show based on the classic game of hangman.

What??  Are you serious?? Why did this NEVER occur to me??  I love Wheel of Fortune but I had never, until this point, put two and two together that it WAS hangman!!!  I thought this was a breakthrough, that nobody else knew this.  I felt like Charlie with a golden ticket running home to share the news with my family!!

"Ryan...did you know that Wheel of Fortune is based off of hangman???"

He gave me the look.  The look that says I'm sorry you are so dumb babe.  I'm going to just go ahead and keep my mouth shut because my mom told me if I didn't have anything nice to say not to say anything at all.

"Did you know this?  I just realized it after reading the info about the show!!"

"Um, yeah.  I think you are about the only one that didn't know this."

"Oh...I miss my brain..."

Did anyone else not know this?  Just me?  Thought so...happy Monday

Friday, November 4, 2011

Picture Friday

Remember picture Friday in school when class by class you were shuffled into the gym, lined up and one by one a photographer snapped your individual photo and a class shot?  And then there was the picture "form" that you had to bring home and fill out before picture day.  Your parents had to choose how much they loved you many pictures they actually wanted to purchase of you sitting in front of some banal backdrop with a half assed smile on your face.  How many wallets should I order?  Humm...how many people do I know that want to carry around a picture of my awkward 3ed grader in their wallet?  Make that ZERO...I mean, 25...yes sweetie, I'll pass out all 25.

Then, 10 years later while going through your belongings before heading off to college you find 150 wallet sized photos documenting your killer fashion sense through the 80's shoved in some drawer because guess what, nobody wants them.  I'm sure my mom, like yours, checked a few boxes to make you feel loved and then let out a big sigh because the last thing she needed was MORE pictures of her kid.  Or maybe your parents actually liked the school pictures and had them chronologically displayed in a custom frame in the hallway. 

I, like my mother, am not a big fan of posed pictures of people on the walls.  We have one wedding photo displayed, but even that seems kind of strange.  Why is there a picture of me in my house? I know what I look like and thanks to the baby it is that, plus about 10 pounds around the middle!  I am much more excited about candid, emotional photos of babies in the bathtub, dogs in the grass and pictures where you can't see my face!  But I'm sure when Caches brings home the "class picture form" I'll check a few boxes, force people to take pass out wallet sized shots and remind him to bring a comb. Because if he has Nessier hair, he's going to need one.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Point of View

When Caches is fussy sometimes he calms down when we go outside.  I think the fresh air and change of scenery kind of distract him.  I decided to bring a blanket outside and see if he'd like to lay down under the olive tree and have a chat.

Of course within 30 seconds the cat was at my side chirping and rubbing for attention.  We pet her for a while and then she jumped up the tree and perched above us.  I'm not going to lie, I felt kind of weird having her hovering above my head in the tree like she was planning some sort of attack.  What if she pooped?  I know she's not a bird, but stranger things have happened.


Here was our view...

 Looking up...

Looking down...

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Rules Were Made to be Broken?

I am a rule follower.  The extreme kind of rule follower that even hates when other people break rules.  The kind that in fact LOVES rules! I want to know exactly what is expected of me at ALL times.  That way I have less of a chance of letting anyone down or getting in trouble.  I am terrified of getting in trouble.  Maybe it's because I am the worst liar EVER and would hate to have to make up an excuse or maybe it is because I have anxiety and will do anything to avoid confrontation. Whatever the reason, I follow rules...OK, maybe I speed just a little but that's more of a guideline. 

At the supermarket if I put crackers in my basket and decide I don't want said crackers I walk my happy ass BACK TO THE CRACKER aisle and put them back where they belong!! A concept I wish others would catch onto.  I don't want to buy ice cream and realize it's all pre-melted and icky because some asshole put it in the cereal aisle when they changed their mind.   Now, I'm not trying to sound all high and mighty, I kind of wish I could break the rules sometimes, but I just can't.

Because of my love of rules I even make up rules for myself that don't actually exist.  One of them being to keep the counters clean and clear of crumbs at all times.  At least 10 times a day I run my hand over the kitchen counter to check and make sure it is smooth.  Where am I going with this?  A few weeks ago Ryan and I were enjoying some potato chips in the kitchen when he handed me the bag of "just crumbs" and asked if I'd throw it away.  Well, I happen to like the crumbs at the bottom of the chip bag so I dove my grubby little hand in there.

"Why don't you just dump the bag out on the counter, babe?"

"I can't, it would make a mess."

"You can't or you won't"

"I CANNOT"

"Oh, just do it...break the rules."

I thought about it for a moment, and becaue my idea of fun these days is a glass of sparkling juice, I decided to go for it and dumped all the crumbs on the counter.

"I feel like such a rebel!!"

"Wow, you really are pathetic."

"I know, but damn it felt good to break a rule."

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Happy Halloween

Our first Halloween was a success.  And by success I mean his costume kind of worked, he kind of enjoyed trick or treating...all 3 houses, and we made it to bed by 7 with only a few meltdowns. 

 I think the Black Widow costume was fitting as he is STILL trying to kill me...I was his web.  True in so many ways...

 On Sunday we carved pumpkins!  Caches was kind of interested, but not really...

 Abner on the other hand was PUMPED as usual and very, very helpful

 Ryan's pumpkin was a drooling cry baby...can you guess his inspiration?


Some Creep!

Family Fun

I am already looking forward to next year when Caches will be a bit more fun and possibly enjoy the carving, dressing up, decorations, etc.  If not, at least we have the dog!


Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pull Your Skirt Down...Your OCD is Showing

When I started this blog just over 2 years ago it was going to be a kind of update center for family and friends that lived afar.  A few pictures and sentiments and that's it.  Needless to say it has morphed quite a bit over those 2 years and I hope to keep it going and changing for many years to come.  I mean the material with dogs ALONE gave me countless posts and now that there is a kid in the mix...endless material!

I flatter myself to think that even one third of my 29 "followers" regularly read this blog, really I do.  But 29 followers... not 28, not 30, but 29?  That is where the OCD starts oozing from my pores.  Every single time I log on to write or update I see that number and my eye starts to twitch.  I have even considered making a false email account and following myself just to make a damn round number. 

So, if anyone out there in cyberspace reads this...even if it is only every once and a while, please,  do a crazy, sleep deprived, cut finger, limping, eye twitching mess of a mother a favor and make me a nice round number.  My husband thanks you.  He hates when the eye starts twitching. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Is This Some Kind of Joke?

I am so tired that I don't even know how my fingers are tapping the keys right now.  Oh wait, they aren't!!  I have only typed one sentence and have already had to fix like 7 errors due to the fingers NOT working.  I also have a band aid on my middle finger from a blender incident, a wrap around my ankle from a falling off of the bouncy ball I spend 20 hours a day on incident, and the meanest set of raccoon eyes this side of Lindsay Lohan.

I am literally falling apart; my body is shutting down.  At first my body was like OK, cool, I like a challenge.  But now it's like fuck you crazy lady, I'm out.  White flag waving from its one good arm, hobbling down the hall like Quasimodo as I run after it begging it to bounce just one more time so the kid stops screaming.

It is torture.

Did you know that a person can actually die from lack of sleep and/or from their sleep being repeatedly interrupted never allowing deep sleep to set in?  DIE...DEAD...DONE!! Rats have actually been killed to prove this!!

Did I sign up for some sick science experiment that I was unaware of?  Did I forget to read the fine print on one of those forms at the hospital that I read oh so carefully?  Was there a clause that said sleep torture experiment candidate and in my groggy state I was like heck yeah, and checked the box?  I WANT TO UNCHECK MY BOX!!  Or at least can I change my mind and choose water torture instead of no sleep torture?  With water torture I have a chance of passing out or as I like to call it,  A NAP!!

This morning around 3:15 while I was giggling up and down the hall for the 50th time that night all I could imagine was 3 rats in little white lab coats looking at each other exclaiming, "WHY WON'T SHE DIE?"  "Wake up at least 5 more times tonight, Caches, we'll get her."

And I had to laugh.  I HAVE to laugh because If I didn't find at least a small amount of humor in the epically fucked up life I have right now the rats would win!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Mornings

The other morning I was attempting a word search on the back of my cereal box when Ryan came into the kitchen

"What are you doing?"

"A word search"

"Cool, I'm good at word searches"

"So am I.  And don't help, it's my therapy right now"

I feel him peeking over my shoulder and I sense that he has found a word that I'm looking for

"I said don't help"

"I'm not going to...I'm good at crossword puzzles too"

"Yeah, so am I.  If I know the answers to the questions"

"Um, yeah, that is kind of the whole idea.  If you know the answers then all it is is filling in letters"

"Well then I'm good at filling in the letters"

"I found one of your words..."

"Fuck off"

The love in this house first thing in the morning is so sweet

Sunday, October 23, 2011

16 Weeks

4 months old



I have decided that it is time to stop the weekly picture and do more of a monthly newsletter.  Not only because he is changing less drastically each week, but because there is nothing more annoying than asking someone how old their baby is and getting the reply, 27 weeks. 

Caches Michael,

Today, well, two days ago, you turned four months old.  Why two days late, mama?  Because you are still proving to be one of the most difficult human beings on the planet.  You don't like me to get any housework or errands done and think that the world revolves around you, and quite frankly, you are correct.  You are a tiny tornado.  A passionate, spirited individual who knows what you what when you want it and damn it we better deliver.  

You already are showing us your personality and maybe, just maybe, your sense of humor.  You have absolutely no patience or state control and go from happy bubbly baby to Freddy Crouger in a matter of 3 seconds.  Fortunately you are also starting to give more similes and will even squeal in delight.  When you smile baby, my whole heart shines.  
You have recently discovered that your hands can actually open and close by your command and seem pretty excited about this.  You grabbed for a toy for the first time a few days ago and the light in your eyes when you accomplished the grasp was intense. You have also started rolling over from your back to your belly and practice this any chance you get.  The determination and focus required to perform this seemily simple task blows my mind.  It reminds me how helpless and fragile you are.  How every day and every experience is new and complex for you.

You still LOTHE the car seat, kinda hate the stroller, and only tolerate the sling, but I see small improvements in all these areas.  I try to explain to you how much more fun we could have if you would just relax, but you are too determined to listen.  It's your way or the highway. 

You love the bath and have recently started to splash and play.  You also like to lay down and have little chats about the day.  Sometimes you babble back and other times you just like to listen.  Caches, you LOVE music.  Your dad plays all sorts of music for you and you just can't get enough.  Dance parties in the kitchen have become an almost daily activity
We are still working on getting your reflux under control and are finally seeing some improvement.  There just might be a light glowing at the end of this dark tunnel.  You currently sleep all night on my chest and still wake up at least 6-8 times a night.  Sometimes you want to eat, sometimes you just need to get comfortable and other times you just want to torture me.

And torture me you do.  I have always considered myself a reasonably patient person, but you are schooling me in ways I never could have imagined.  You bring a whole new level of patience to the table.  Every day I think I am at the end of my rope, but some how my rope just keeps growing and growing.  I guess that's what happens when you love someone. 

Some parents don't have to work very hard to get smiles from their babies, happiness comes easily.  And while I sometimes wish it was easier, the fact that you make it so hard almost makes it even sweeter.  Because I know when you flash that gorgeous smile with piercing blue eyes that you really, truly mean it.  Caches you have my whole heart.  Sometimes you have it in a crinkled up mess and other times you have it gleaming and immaculate, but you have it, forever.  

Love,

Mama

.





Thursday, October 20, 2011

Timber

Ryan fractured his foot and was supposed to keep off of it for at least a week and then take it easy for 4-6 weeks.

Looks like he's following Dr.'s orders

  



After snapping these incriminating photos I reminded Ryan that he wouldn't even let me walk around Target when I had a broken vagina but he thought it was appropriate to climb the fence and trim our tree with a broken foot?  Not smart buddy. 


*This happened like 2 months ago so don't send Ryan a get well soon card

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Part Deux

 *You can read part one here

We left off with me wanting desperately to fix my poor kid, and fix him I tried!!  I tried EVERYTHING!  Different feeding positions, different feeding techniques.  Gas drops, gripe water, chewing prunes 50 times, the swing, the happiest baby on the block book,  EVERY possible book!! Inside, outside, google fussy baby, google screaming baby, google I WANT TO DIE, BABY WON'T STOP SCREAMING, stand on my fucking head and clap my feet, but nothing seemed to help.  I gave up dairy, soy, peanuts and gluten.  Shit I even went on a total elimination diet and ate nothing but rice, squash, apples, pears, potatoes and chicken for 10 days.  Yes, you read that right, I ate CHICKEN for the first time in over 13 years and no, I did not like it thankyouverymuch. 

As you can imagine, after each failure I felt more and more like one myself.  I was incredibly discouraged and found myself wanting to cry all day long with the baby and there were days I did. 

I know I am rambling but I find it really hard to explain how it feels day in and day out.  Let me try to paint a picture.  Imagine you landed the job of a lifetime.  You are completely elated and can't wait to begin.  Sure it is going to be a challenge, but you are overjoyed.  The first few weeks start off kind of rough, but you expect that, you are just starting out, after all. 

Weeks pass and instead of getting easier your job is only getting harder.  More and more demands are being made on you and to make matter worse, your boss is a BITCH.  She calls you at all hours of night to yell at you and tell you what a shitty job you are doing and how you aren't meeting her needs. But at the end of each conversation, she sweetens up, smiles, and encourages you to try again tomorrow.

Day breaks and you wake up feeling positive.  Today I'm going to nail it!  Today my boss will be proud of me!  You take a deep breath and walk in.  Five minutes later your boss is already riding your ass.  What, you haven't had your morning coffee yet?  To bad, get to work.  You plug along trying to figure out how to please your boss.  You try everything, but every attempt is met with criticism and loud reprimand. There is just no pleasing this boss of yours!! 

At the end of a few weeks time you are over it, you want out.  You decide that you are going to quit your job and decide to have a talk with your boss about it.  You try to explain how hard you are working and how desperately you want to do a good job but for some reason you just aren't cut out to be her employee. You try to quit but guess what...YOU CAN'T QUIT...CAN'T. QUIT.  You have to get up and do it all over again...FOREVER. 

You try to talk to people about the struggle of your new job, but all they seem to do is reassure you that it is going to get better.  Of course you know that it is eventually going to get better, but when you are in it 24 hours a day their kind words only serve to MOCK YOU.

Is this giving you even the slightest idea?  I didn't think so...

So at this point we thought we were simply dealing with a high needs, colicky baby.  That this was something he would just outgrow.  We had no idea that he had something called silent reflux...the devil, the enemy. 


I had never even heard of reflux in infants but with all the googing I had been doing, it kept popping up.  Interested, I found myself reading more and more about it and the more I researched the more I thought it sounded like my baby. Gulping with a painful look on the face, wet sounding burps, frequent hiccups, sudden burst of painful crying, painful wake ups from sleep or poor sleeping habits, poor feeding habits, neck or back arching during or after feeding, excessive fussiness, crying or colic, demands to be carried constantly...this IS my baby. 

Armed with this new information, I made a doctors appointment for Caches to be checked out.  Big surprise, we have a pediatrician who is a little bit alternative with his medicine practice so he suggested we try a few homeopathic remedies before starting Caches on medication for the problem.  We tried, we failed, we still had a baby who was up all night and screaming all day. 

The next week I called my pediatrician again to explain that things were not improving and requested a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist, but when I mentioned the problem the nurse explained to me how babies have more reflux these days due to toxins in our diet and suggested I give him some fennel tea and just sit and relax with him.  I SNAPPED...I totally lost my shit with this poor sweet hippie nurse.

Through tears I told her that I was aware that toxins were bad for baby but that we have next to NONE in our house, that I eat mostly organic, that I was not trying one more freaking kind of tea.  I also told her that I'd love to relax with my baby but I CAN'T SIT AND RELAX BECAUSE HE WILL NOT HOLD STILL!! HE IS FUCKING MISERABLE. 

For a moment I felt like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.  JUST GIVE MY SON THE DRUGS!!!  She gave me the referral.

Long story short we saw the specialist and Caches was put on Zantac.  After about a week of no improvement he was switched to Prilosec and we are FINALLY seeing some improvement.  He has good days and bad days and so do I.  Sometimes I am positive and take it all in stride but there are days when I get so frustrated that could literally scream, and have.  Those are the days when the only thing keeping me from running away is the thought that in a few months I can eat ice cream and a real fucking cookie!!!

So where we stand I am still eating no dairy, soy, peanuts or gluten until his reflux is under control and he is still generally unpleasant, but compared to how he used to be we are leaps and bounds ahead. 

I should probably go back and edit this post, but I don't have the time and if I wait for time it won't get posted for another week so please excuse my writing as of late.  The baby ate my brain.  I am still hoping to get back into the swing of things and post more often and maybe, just maybe they will start making sense!!

Thanks for bearing with me...

Friday, October 14, 2011

15 Weeks

I'm getting SOOO big

 I'm holding my head up and looking all around...

 But my head is pretty heavy

Face plant!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Brace Face

A few evenings ago, Caches let me put him down for a few minutes so I ventured out of my cave into the front room to hang out with Ryan. We were catching up on the events if the day when he pauses and looks at me a bit sideways

"Are you wearing your retainers?"

"No, why?"

"Because you are slurring your words like crazy!"

"I'M TIRED!!!!"

"Well you sound drunk"

"I wish I was!!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

So, I'm a Liar

Preface:

I know I promised that I'd write on Sunday, but somehow Sunday has turned into Wednesday and yet another task I promised myself I'd complete was left undone.

If you are a friend of mine, or even an online follower, you may be asking yourself where the hell did she go?  Or maybe you don't care or maybe you didn't even notice that I dropped off the face of the real world for a few months, but just in case you do care...I'm alive, well kind of. 

I REALLY wanted to chronicle my struggle with Caches as it was happening day by day, but days turned into weeks turned into months turned into October....what?  It is OCTOBER??? We had a Summer?  September happened this year??  TARGET STILL EXISTS??? HOLY SHIT!!!   

I am going to go back to the beginning and in a few different parts catch you up to where we currently stand.  So, now that we have established that I am kind of alive and will only kind of make sense, here we go. 

Act 1:

The first 6 weeks of Caches life were rough, but I would give my left big toe to have those "rough" weeks back.  From the moment he woke up, about 4 days after birth, Caches has been an extremely needy, fussy baby.  Want to take a drink of water?  Nope.  Eat breakfast?  Nope.  Go for a walk?  Nope.  Car ride?  Absolutely not.  Want to pee? Not that you'd have to because he won't let you drink water...but NO.  Basically he refused to be put down in ANYTHING and no, he doesn't like a car ride and yes, I have read The Happiest Baby on the Block and mine is still the GRUMPIEST!

Those first 6 weeks were filled with hours of screaming and crying but also a decent amount of sleep.  He would sleep in his bassinet from about 10pm until about 1:30am and then back down after nursing until about 4 when I would take him into bed with me until he woke around 7.  Of course I stayed up many a hour watching to make sure he was breathing, but I still got a decent amount of rest.  He also would nap in his swing for at least 30 minutes when he was really little giving me time to eat, wash dishes or stare at the wall. 

Then, at 6 weeks, 4 days he took a stand.  The screaming and crying all day got worse and he outright  refused to sleep in his bassinet, his swing or anything that was not upright on my chest.  What the hell is going on with my child?  I literally could not get anything done...I mean ANYTHING.  I think a lot of people assume I am exaggerating but I absolutely am not.  He fussed, cried or SCREAMED ALL DAY.  Even if he was being held he was not happy.  Shit, even if he was nursing he wasn't happy.  I had a miserable baby!!

Every day was a blur.  A mixed up whirlwind of emotional breakdowns and tears, smiles and glimmers of hope; I was on a  completely fucked up merry go round.  Up and down, up and down.  I tried to get out of the house at least once every day for a quick trip to the market or at least a walk, but even that was emotionally exhausting.  Screaming in the car, potential for screaming in the store and of course, if he was quiet, there was the lying.

I became a total pathological liar.  People would see me with the baby and want to oo and ahh over him,  it's just what people do.  They would gush about how lucky I am and isn't it just so wonderful to be a mother and aren't I so happy and of course, remember to enjoy every moment.  I found myself slapping on a fake smile and going along with their story all the while crying inside because I wasn't. 

I don't think I took a deep breath for 6 weeks straight...

Maybe there was something wrong with me.  Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother after all.  Was I failing at the job I had wanted my whole life?  I sure felt like I was.  There is nothing quite like listening to your helpless baby scream and not being able to fix it to crush your soul.

I just wanted to FIX IT!! 

*Act 2 coming soon...maybe tomorrow?!?!  Am I being optimistic...yes I am.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Smells Like Fall

Fall is among us...the trees are washed in color and there is a nip in the air;  I LOVE this season.  Not only does in contain both Halloween and Thanksgiving, but it gives me an excuse to eat PUMPKIN EVERYTHING!!  Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin smoothies, pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin curry, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin till your skin turns orange!! 

This year all of the above recipes will need to be modified to gluten, soy and dairy free in order to accommodate my sidekicks tummy troubles, but I'm up for the challenge. 

Today we went to the pumpkin patch and collected a few decorative pumpkins and of course a few carving pumpkins.  Wonder what I'll carve this year...a bed?  A nice cozy bed that all I want to do is crawl into and sleep for one hundred eighty years!!!

Anyway...here are a few pictures of our day.  Ryan promises to be on baby duty tomorrow so guess what...I'm actually going to WRITE!!  Yep, a real, live post...with words and perhaps, just perhaps coherent thoughts, but don't hold your breath on that one.







Friday, October 7, 2011

14 Weeks and a Tiny Update

This is the first time I have even touched the computer since last week when I posted a pathetic 2 lines and a picture.  I truly miss blogging and PROMISE I will be back at it soon.  My first post will likely explain where I have been and why I stopped posting. 

Hint: He's about 12 pounds, bald and THE NEEDIEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF LOVING. 

I have a list on my phone about 30 pages long of things I'd like to post about so when I get back to it there will be some catching up to do.  I hope there are still a few of you that keep checking back and haven't given up on me. 

98 Days




Friday, September 30, 2011

13 Weeks

Splish splash, I was takin a bath

...and outgrowing my tub!!


Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Oh How They Grow

Because I still haven't gotten around to actually writing a post...here are some pictures to tide you over.  I promise I will write again soon.