The Day I Ran Away.

If you have read my blog or seen my hagged face lately, you know that the past few months have been a bit rough.  When I found out I was pregnant I in no way thought it was going to be easy.  I knew I was in for a life changing experience.  I expected to miss out on activities, loose sleep and rearrange everything about my daily life, but I NEVER, even in my wildest dreams expected to have Rosemary's Baby!

I swear if his head spins and he spews peas I'M OUT OF HERE!

As of late, things have calmed down around here, at least during the day, but for a while there were a few pockets of time each day when Caches would SCREAM like someone was pulling off his toenails one by one for hours straight.  NO breaks, NO chance of soothing him, just screaming!!  And though your heart breaks a little bit every time you hear your baby cry, there is a part of me that became a bit hardened to sound.  You just can't listen to something so awful, so often and not start to tune it out.  It is SURVIVAL!

Anyway, it had been a particularly difficult day and I had just spent 45 minutes getting Caches down for a nap only to have him wake up 13 minutes later, you guessed it, screaming.  I went into the bedroom to pick him up hoping he would stop but he is no quitter.  All of a sudden a wave of massive anxiety came over my body and I HAD to get away.  It was not an option.

I handed Ryan the baby and told him that I was leaving, RIGHT NOW.  When he asked why I completely lost it and yelled through tears that I could not listen to the screaming for even one more fucking second.  By this time I was already rifling through my diaper bag looking for my wallet and keys.  Ryan asked me not to drive but I ignored him.  "Where are you going?" he asked me, and because I needed to, but hadn't gotten around to depositing a check I had, I told him that I was going to the bank!  Whoa, slow down rebel, the bank? Yes, I ran away to run an errand.  I may be crazy but I am efficient.

Ignoring Ryan's request not to dive I left the house with salty cheeks and drove away.  I could still hear the screaming echoing in my ears as the house shrunk in my rear view mirror and I pleaded with my body to make it stop.  I just needed one minute, make that ONE SECOND of complete silence.

Well, the bank only took about 5 minutes and I was still not ready to come home so I parked out in front of my house and cried.  Tears of frustration and doubt, of sadness and love poured from my eyes and with them fell anxiety and fear until my face was soaked in emotion.  That's the thing about crying.  Sometimes you NEED to cry.  Did you know that your tears actually contain hormones and when you have an excess your body cries to get it out?  Human body, you are amazing!

Once I felt I could, I got out of my car and headed for the door.  I held my breath as I turned the key, praying that I would walk into a peaceful home.  And there, in the kitchen, stood Ryan and Caches dancing to a song on the radio.  My heart was so full of love that I thought I was going to cry again but I couldn't, I didn't need to, and so I smiled.

Comments

  1. I have been reading your blog for a while, and I love everything you write, but today's post just made me cry. I have a 9 month old and while he has been pretty easy, nothing like you have been dealing with, there are times when I have felt just what you described and nothing seems to help but a good cry followed by a cuddly baby hug! Thank you so much for sharing :)

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  2. @ Anonymous. Thank you so much for commenting. It means so much to me that someone can relate. I love comments! Good or bad ;)

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