Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Bring on the cuss jar

Over the past few days I have noticed that Caches' vocabulary is rapidly increasing.  There are new words every day and sometimes he will repeat a word immediately after he hears me say it.  You know what this means, we have officially entered the "mimic" stage of his language development. 

And all I have to say is, SHIT!

I guess I can't call him a shithead under my breath anymore.  Or tell Lilly that she is a whore 217 times a day.  Gone are the days of disguising a good, "fuck you" behind a cute baby voice, and I'm pretty sure we are going to have to filter through our morning dance party music and weed out quite a few tunes. 

Sigh.  I guess it's worth it though, if this means that soon he will be able to say, "I'd like a cracker, mama."  Instead of pointing at the cabinet and collapsing to the floor in tears when I have the audacity to ask what he wants.

Anyone have a really big jar we can borrow?  I'll return it filled with pennies.

Monday, February 11, 2013

So far out of the loop

I go to Target like twice a week, seriously.  Don't judge me!  Okay fine, judge me!  I won't even tell you how often I go to Yougrtland.  Anyway, I was in the dressing room trying on nursing bras (sexy) and working my ass off to distract Caches from the exposed girls when I heard two teen aged sounding young girls come into the room next to me.

They were trying on bathing suits and from the upbeat sound of their chatter they looked a hell of a lot better in a bikini than I do.  I went about my business and just as I was walking out of my room and past theirs I heard one of the girls say to the other, "Oh, you look beast mode!"  Say whaaaa??

Now, I know I've been out of the cool scene for a while, like 30 years to be exact, but what the HELL is beast mode?!  Is this seriously what the kids are saying these days?  And this isn't the first time I've heard the term.  Saying?  Statement?  I have a friend or two who have posted status updates on Facebook referencing beast mode before but I didn't want to make a fool of myself asking what it meant.

So I asked here instead, where I always make a fool of myself anyway.

Okay, I'm not that dumb, I can gather what it means from the context in which I have heard it, but where in the world did it come from!?  Anyone who has been out of the house after 8pm in the last year and a half care to enlighten me?

P.S.  If it's from Twilight, I hate you

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


Okay, we all know Lilly is a pathetic excuse for a dog.  About the only dog like things she does is eat shit, steal food and roll in the grass.  Of course only the most pristine, manicured lawn will do, but I digress.  Really the only thing that one could say is gross is the shit eating.  And she doesn't discriminate.

 A few weeks ago Caches was romping around sans diaper (you can already imagine where this is going) when from the other room I hear, "Uh oh!"  Now, I don't immediately think anything is wrong considering uh oh is a new favorite saying, fit for everything from dropping a cracker to, this.

"What's uh oh, baby?"

"Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, uh oh...."

"Okay, I hear you, I'm coming."

I round the corner to see a bent over Caches, pointing to a little turd on the floor.  I assure him that it's okay and we will clean it up.  Just then Lilly catches a whiff, perks up and pounces on the turd like it is her last meal.  "UH OH, MAMA!!!"  Yeah, THAT is uh oh!

Gross factor fifty, but in all honesty she has eaten WAY worse than baby poop so I wasn't completely dying inside.  Yet.  I go to the broom closet to grab the disinfecting spray and a paper towel.  (Yes, I used a paper towel.  I reserve them only for poop or vomit so it was okay) and before I get back to the scene I again hear, "uh oh."

Now what!?

Apparently he wasn't done and now there are three little turds scattered about the floor.  Lilly quickly snaps up two of them, ignoring my screams, and Abner has his unnaturally short bulldog nose pressed up against the other deciding if he wants to indulge.  NOW I'm dying inside.  I ban Lilly and Abner to the yard and move Caches away  from the "area" until I can disinfect!  With the mess cleaned up and the boy's bottom wiped, I decide to let shit breath dogs back inside.  I walk over to the door and I kid you not, the second the door clicks open, "Uh oh, mama!"

 Grreeaatt...now he  has peed and is splashing with his little fat foot all about.  Negative child.  We do not audition for River Dance with our pee pee.  Now, remind me, why do I let him play without a diaper again?

Monday, February 4, 2013

Um, that's not required

Have I mentioned that I live with a gagger?  Well I do, and I'm not talking about the bulimic cat or the "sensitive" bulldog.

I'm talking about Ryan, and oh man is he a gagger!

He gags every time he picks up dog poop.  He gags every time he brushes his teeth, sometimes to the point of puking.  And god forbid he turn the 30 degrees required to puke in the toilet...yeah.  He gags EVERY time he changes a dirty diaper.  Still, every time.  And he gags because he drank too much coffee?  Wha?  Yeah, every once and a while he will be walking through the kitchen and just gag, out of nowhere!  I'm like what the hell is wrong with you?!  Too much coffee babe.  Too much coffee and you just randomly start gagging?!

I feel bad that I am not more sympathetic (kind of), but it makes absolutely no sense to me at all!  For I myself am not a gagger, not even a little bit.  In fact I can't even remember a time that something made me gag.  Okay, get your minds out of the gutter.  Right now my naive mother is like, "What?  Why would that make someones mind go to the gutter?" Hi mom

Anyway, the other night Caches was in the bath when I handed him his toothbrush to brush his teeth.  He put it in his mouth, brushed for a few moments and then turned toward Ryan and faux gagged!!  I was DYING, he was laughing.  Now every time he brushes his teeth, if Ryan is present, he gags.  Well, he doesn't genuinely gag, I think he gags because he thinks that is just part of the process.  Great.  Now, how to explain to a toddler that tooth brushing does not in fact require gagging?  This is the shit that isn't in the baby books.