Tuesday, March 27, 2012

To Make Things Clear

Everyone knows someone who is "that" guy or "that" girl.  You know the one, he or she is always saying the wrong thing or their sense of humor, or lack there of, is constantly being misinterpreted.  You either know someone like this or YOU ARE this person.  Either way, sometimes other peoples words don't come out quite right or you don't read/hear them as they were intended.

I fear that I have become "that" girl with the sarcasm and humor in which I write about my son.  Only a small handful of actual people have brought it to my attention, but it was enough for me to take their words into consideration and re-read some of my postings about Caches and the challenges we face.  And you know what?  They are right.  Some of the things I write are a little bit inappropriate, not quite politically correct, and certainly not how some people would speak of their child, but this is how I cope.

My writing and a VERY select group of people in my life whom I can genuinely trust to understand are how I make it through some days.  If my humor, sarcasm and yes, sometimes crass way of writing about my baby bother you then I think you are reading the wrong blog.  You see, not all us care to pretend that babies are all puppies and rainbows.  As cute and sweet as they are, puppies still piss on the floor and rainbows, well I'm sure they do something offensive. 

I won't get defensive and sit here and tell you how deeply I love my son because if you think I don't simply because I get frustrated and/or choose to write with a somewhat different sense of humor about how I feel about said frustration, then my expression of love will only fall of deaf ears.  I will say this though.  If even ONE mom reads my honest words about how hard it can be parenting a high-needs baby, or ANY baby for that matter, and it makes her feel just a little less crazy or know that she is not alone in her struggle then I feel my words were worth it. 

And when I tell you that sometimes, after struggling for forty plus minutes to get Caches down for a nap only to have him wake up screaming fifteen minutes later that I flip off the monitor with BOTH hands, well, maybe you will gasp and call me a horrible mother or maybe you will blush because you have done it too.  Except you only used one hand.  I'm here to tell you.  It feels better with BOTH hands!

I don't expect readers to like me, relate to me, feel sorry for me, or even believe half of the shit I write, but if you are a mother then you know that ONLY YOU KNOW what is best for your child, what is in your heart and what is really happening behind closed doors .  Never have I been more judged or offered more unsolicited advice than when I became a mother and it has taken me nearly nine months to realize that I don't give a damn how you think I should parent my baby.  Flipping the bird and all, there is not a baby around who is more loved than this guy...

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

An English Lesson

Not too often, but sometimes I use abbreviations for words that should not be abbreviated.  This makes Ryan a little nuts.  He already teases me for saying SF, NY, LA and traff. (traffic), so when I used one of my sister in laws abbreviations the other night, he was quick to give me the eye. 

We were in the kitchen making dinner and Ryan had assembled a beautiful salad.  He asked me if I thought it needed anything else and my response..."No, it's gorg!"

"Gorg!? You know babe, we really need to start using proper English.  We don't want Caches picking up on on this gorg and traff shit."

"Really.  You are going to tell me to stop using silly abbreviations while in the same breath cursing?"

"Well yeah, because shit is a REAL word!"


Tuesday, March 20, 2012

Where, Oh Where Has My Little Brain Gone?

Okay, it's happening again, I'm totally slacking off on the ol' blog.  I blame it on the fact that my brain has shrunk down the the size of a wrinkled raisin and getting creative thoughts from this dried up, humiliated grape onto paper...computer? is nearly impossible. 

I will tell you this though, I have a multitude of utterly BRILLIANT blog posts written INSIDE that little raisin brain, they just aren't physically written here yet.  At night, when the baby is finally peacefully asleep, for an hour at least, I think, "Oh, I should really write."  Then write away I do, coming up with clever titles, funny stories, sarcastic tidbits that I'm sure all of you would love, all in my head.   But before I can rouse my exhausted body off the sofa to get the computer the brilliance is gone, thoughts and sarcasm fleeting, and all I want to do is sleep for 30 hours. 

Bottom line, I have an exhausting child, and the way I choose to parent him and care for my house and my creatures is also REALLY exhausting.  Not complaining, just stating a fact.  Okay maybe I'm complaining a little. I had high hopes that with the time change Caches would adjust from a 6:00 bedtime and a 6:00 wake up time to a 7:00 bedtime and a 7:00 wake up time. Well, one of them was true, I'll let you guess which one.  The days are long and the blogs are short, so I will again distract you from my lackluster posting with pictures of the boy.  That's all you really want to see anyway, right?

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Swing Life Away

Ryan and I have taken Cache to the park a few times and each time, a few minutes in, we look at each other and ask ourselves why we thought an 8 month old would have any fun at a park!  All he likes to do is swing and watch the other kids play so we decided it would be better to buy him a swing for the backyard and save the whole awkward, "why is that creepy couple staring at my kid?" routine.  Of course we never actually bought said swing, but the intention was there.

Then, last weekend my mom brought over a little surprise, a swing!

And since there were no good branches to hang it from in the backyard tree, Ryan built a perfect little modified swing set under the arbor.

Thanks, Dad!

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Human Vegetable Popsicle

When Caches has an extra good time eating, Lilly gives him the eyes 

And everyone knows he's going to get a thorough lick down...

 And on about the tenth bowl drop/avocado slip the fun is over

Until next time...

Monday, March 12, 2012

Britney, I Feel Ya Girl...

I am a person who enjoys my alone time.  As a child I often "disappeared" to play by myself and this disappearing act continued into adulthood.  Of course I play well with others too, but there is just something sacred to me about alone time.

Especially now that I get NONE!!

I'm not asking for a lot,  just maybe 20 minutes to be alone...ALL ALONE.  That means no dogs tick ticking toenails following me around all day, no baby attached to my chest or hip with industrial strength velcro, no husband (love you babe), and no damn cat who shows up the second I get one fucking second to myself and thinks it is appropriate to get two inches from my face and demand attention!  I HAVE NO ATTENTION LEFT TO GIVE KITTY!!!

I even hid in the garage one day while Ryan was inside with the baby and out of nowhere, CHIRP...the cat is on my shoulder like a frickin parakeet!!


I'm seriously one step away form sneaking off to a barber shop at 2AM and shaving my head a la Britney!  The paparazzi are totally after me!

And when Caches is in that, "my mom is SO uncool!" phase and has the audacity to request some privacy, you bet your ass I'll remind him that for a long time he was so needy that he wouldn't even let me shit alone!

And then he'll roll his eyes and be like DAD, SERIOUSLY!!  How do you put up with her!!??

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Swim Said the Mama Fish

Last weekend we attended a Little Mermaid birthday party for my cute as can be cousin, Calleigh.  I wasn't comfortable with Caches getting in the chlorine tub pool, but I knew he'd love to be part of the action so I did what any pale, un-toned, post-baby body mom would do; I sent my husband in! 

Caches had a BLAST watching all of the other kids splashing about.  He really is an onlooker, a trait I am curious if he will keep or outgrow as he gets older.  The party was picture perfect with mermaid themed snacks and a delicious beach ball cake! 

My cousin Jamie (Calleigh's mama) is super creative and also a brilliant photographer (she did Caches newborn shots).  You can see the mermaid party and a whole lot of beautiful photos here

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Apples and Bananas

This afternoon I prepared Caches' lunch as usual and we sat down together to eat.  I typically feed him his lunch at the same time that I eat mine because if I dare even think about eating anything in his presence without offering him some Ol' hungry hungry hippo has a hissy fit!

My lunch included an apple which I cut in half giving one half to Caches to teeth on.  He likes to gnaw on the cold apple in between bites and I have given him large peeled pieces of apple to chew on countless times with no problem...until today.

We were all finished with lunch so I got up to clear our plates and left Caches with his apple in the high chair.  I was talking to him as I rinsed off dishes and that's when I noticed he was "chipmunking,"  the phrase I have given his ability to hoard food in his cheeks.  I walked over to sweep some of the apple shavings out of his mouth but before I had the chance he coughed, gasped and began to choke.

"STAY CALM!" I thought, and I gave him a moment to right the situation himself.  When a few seconds passed and he was still struggling, I quickly grabbed him out of his high chair and began trying to clear everything from his mouth.  He was crying which was a good sign, but he was also gagging and trying to breathe.  All I could feel at first was very mushy apple but when I went a little bit further back I felt the chunk. 

I tried to get it out but ended up actually pushing it further down his throat.  That's when I felt the panic come over my body.  My poor sweet baby was really CHOKING!  I wanted to scream, panic and yell, "CALL 911!" like they do in the movies.  And then everything would be okay, roll credits, but I was alone and it was up to me to do something.  Don't you know I'm not good in these situations!??  When it's fight or flight I fly away so fast they mistake me for Superman! 


By now he was red and gasping, trying to cough but unable to, his scared eyes tearing.  I have no idea how I remembered the technique for a finger sweep from an infant first aid and CPR class that I took in HIGH SCHOOL, yet can't manage to remember three items at the grocery store, but thank God I did.   I leaned him back on the counter at an angle and slid my finger down his throat FAR further than I imagined possible and found the piece of lodged apple.  I was able to sweep the apple chunk out and that's when I heard my baby scream the MOST BEAUTIFUL cry of his life.

The look on his face was of absolute terror as I held his tiny body close to mine.  I was sure he would require a lot of soothing but within a few moments he was all smiles like nothing ever happened.  Really kid, REALLY!?  You need ten minutes of uninterrupted cuddle time to come down from the trauma of a diaper change but you nearly choke to death and thirty seconds later you're good??  No dice!! I NEED ten minutes of uninterrupted cuddle time!!!  And a drink, a ridiculously stiff drink.

Needless to say there will be no more apple sharing at this house and hopefully my heart that took an enormous leap out of my chest will find it's way back soon.

P.S. For all you mommies out there, the chunk that was choking him was WAY smaller than I thought a baby could choke on, probably only the size of a large blueberry! 

Would it be going to far to put a mesh screen over his mouth from now on?


Tuesday, March 6, 2012


I got up from the couch for three minutes to get a glass of water and came back in to this...

Monday, March 5, 2012

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Who the hell kidnapped my FINALLY somewhat pleasant child and replaced him with pure evil in a really cute outfit!?

Oh my GOD is this kid grumpy!

We made it through the first 4.5 months of hellish screaming all day due to reflux and colic but with all of that finally under control he was becoming only mildly unpleasant to be around.  In fact,  the past few weeks he was even dare I say, a HAPPY BABY!

Well that lasted all of a week and a couple of teeth and a little bug had to come along and fuck everything up!  Again I am sure some of you think I am being dramatic, and that a bubbly little 8 month old baby couldn't possibly be that fussy.  Well, you are wrong.  He is THAT bad, I have witnesses!

He has been so grumpy and clingy in fact, that I booked a doctors appointment for him this morning to check his ears and throat.  I hate to admit this, but I kinda secretly wished for there to be something wrong so I could give him an excuse other than worlds biggest drama king.  Turns out I was right and he seems to be fighting a virus which is probably the reason for the extra fussiness.  Of course now I feel like an asshole for wishing there was something wrong but I REALLY didn't want this to be his new personality.

And so with a little ibuprofen, A LOT of love and attention from mommy and a splash of astragalus, Caches is in the best mood he's been in all week.  Whew, I'm definitely looking forward to having my finally happy baby back, but in the mean time I'll dote on my stage five clinger and love each little head resting on my shoulder moment. 

Feel better soon, baby bird...Mama loves you so

Thursday, March 1, 2012

8 Months

Caches Michael,

Today you are 8 months old, and in stark contrast to your 7 month old letter, you did NOT wake up smiling today.  In fact woke up downright dreadful...ALL NIGHT LONG!  You have had a fever and a serious case of the grumpies for the past couple of days and all I can attribute it to are the two new teeth I can see peeking out from your swollen gums.  Who knew a couple of teeth could cause such a fuss!  Now, I know this teething business is tough stuff, but if you in fact what to eat all the food items you attempt to snatch out of my hand then you are going to need teeth! 

You have also been a clingy little koala bear screaming if I even so much as THINK about putting you down or handing you off.  I admit it can be trying, carrying around an almost 17 pound baby all day, but to be honest baby, I am kind of relishing in it.  For I know that soon enough you will be mobile and far to busy exploring the world around you to want your mama holding you back.

You continue to show great interest in standing and walking but absolutely no interest in crawling.  Each time you move yourself from a seated position to your hands and knees you immediately end up on your belly and pissed off at your body for not listening to your command!  I can see the wheels turning and you like the idea, but our royal highness,  you sir have NO patience.

Food continues to please you and you are now eating three full meals a day and drinking water from a sippy cup.  When I grab your little bowl and spoon you start to air chew and make the cutest num num noises smacking your lips in anticipation.  So far you have shown the same enthusiasm for every food you have been offered which is mouth wide open and excited.  Yep, you have the same love for purple kale as you do bananas and I'm sure not complaining!

Caches, 8 months later and it still amazes me that I am your mom.  Sometimes when we are looking in the mirror I see myself in you and it totally blows my mind.  You are a person!!  A person that I had a part of creating!  Do you have any idea how epic that is?  Of course you don't, but I do, and holy shit, I'm your mom! And how lucky I am to be.