Sunday, June 27, 2010

By-products or Buy-products

I just saw a commercial for dog food that reminded me how much I hate dog/cat food commercials.  This one in particular was selling prime rib wet dog food and was supposed to make me feel like a horrible pet owner because I don't give my dogs prime rib.



I am willing to bet that there is no "real" prime rib in this can of dog food, I thought to myself as I rolled my eyes.  It bothered me so much that I looked up the company's website and ingredients...

Sufficient water for processing, beef by-products, liver, meat by-products, chicken by-products, beef, calcium carbonate, natural flavors, sodium tripolyphosphate, carmel coloring, carrageenan, dried yam, xanthan gum, potassium chloride, salt, erythorbic acid, prime rib flavor, guar gum, zinc sulfate, sodium nitrate (for color), vitamin A, D3, and E supplements, D-calcium, pantothenate, thiamine mononitrate (vitamin B1)

Sounds delicious doesn't it.  First of all,  notice the amount of animal by-products in this food; and people freak out when their dogs eat worms!  This is literally a parfait of chicken feet, cow balls, rat arms, turkey spleen and whatever other body part was on special that day. 

Second, notice the "natural flavor" and "prime rib flavor" sections on the list.  What exactly is prime rib flavor made of?  How do you put prime rib flavor on an ingredient list? WHAT IS IT?

Third, and my personal favorite, is the sodium nitrate, for color.  For color?  Of course!  I don't know about you but my dog won't eat anything unless it is the proper color. Aesthetics are very important to my dog who eats his dinner, throws it up and eats it again.  He is VERY classy.

I don't know, I think this whole processed food (for people and pets) is a bunch of bull shit.  We are essentially paying for some dorks science project.  I can see him now in his little white lab coat adding a dash of this and a pinch of that and VIOLA! PRIME RIB FLAVORING!  I'M A FUCKING GENIUS!

Maybe I'm just bitter because people give me a hard time for spending so much money on my dog food (that contains real food) and not giving them snausages, beggin' strips or people food.  But I'm like dude, if I wanted to feed my dogs by-products I'd let them roam free behind my parents house for 10 minutes.  Do you know how many decapitated mice and birds there are out there from the cats giving up their "toys" when the batteries ran out...and those by-products are free!

If you are at all interested, we feed our dogs and cat Orijin brand food.  We all think it's the cat's meow.

Saturday, June 26, 2010


Just came across this picture from when we went camping in Big Sur.  This is a very rare albino redwood tree that grew near our campsite.  No flash or special lighting, that foliage is WHITE. 

Pretty neat!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Zoo Animal

Do not stick your fingers in the cage, the pig WILL bite

Clean up, aisle three

Over the past nine months, quite a few people have asked me what it is like to be married, if I like being married and if it is what I thought it would be. I am not sure how I am supposed to respond or if they are expecting a certain response so I usually just give a very banal, cliché, non-colorful response like, “oh, it’s going well," or "we are figuring each other out."


I want to ask them to rephrase the question. Give me something to go off of. Are you an angry single person who wants me to say that it is horrible and I wish I’d left him at alter? Are you a happy, stupid in love person who wants me to gush over how cute my husbands ass is and all the nice little things he does for me, OR are you the common I don’t give a shit it’s just the nice thing to ask when you find out someone just got married person.

These are things I need to know before answering. It is like the old standard response to, “how are you?” Everyone just says, “fine.” And both people feel like they have earned their kindness badge for the day and we all move on. But then there is the rare person that presses when you just say, “fine.”

Um, I don’t know what to say, nobody ever asks me to elaborate, let me grab my notes.

Of course there is always the dreaded person with verbal diarrhea lurking in the shadows just WAITING for someone to ask how they are and BAM, word vomit all over your shoes.

They hate their job, they hate their husband, their kids hate them, they are broke, they have no life, no fun, no time for themselves and before you know it your ears are literally bleeding and you are stuck looking for a nice way out of this conversation because you are worried that if you run away they will go kill themselves and it will be ALL YOUR FAULT.

I mean we ALL want to complain and unload our sorrows sometimes, but there is a time and a place. It costs about 100 dollars and hour and comes with a comfy couch, if you are lucky.

I believe we should all think about the question we are asking before we ask. Do you really care or are you just being nice. If you really care then say so and I can give you a lovely, well thought out answer but if you are just trying to get your Girl Scout badge then I can save us both some time and just say, “fine."

As a rule, assume if a person is checking your groceries or just passing by that they are only being polite and appreciate the thought, but save them the trip home to change their shoes.

Oh, by the way, if you do care, being married is nothing like what I thought it would be and I love it; we are doing really great.

Please don't respond to this with the fact that it may be easy now BUT it is only going to get harder, or a just wait until you have kids, horror story.

You want a horror story, I recently discovered that my husband cuts his nails in the shower. I'm not sure I would have married him had I known that prior.

I'm grouchy, must be the exercise

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Fine, You Win

As you know, I recently found out  that walking is not considered a form of exercise.  And while I am still on the fence about this, I have started saving up to purchase an elliptical machine.

Seeing as the only two times in my life that I had a gym membership all I did was the elliptical machine, it sounds like a good investment.  In the mean time I have been jumping rope, doing my pilaties videos, lifting weights, and complaining about it.

In all honesty, I am kind of excited.


Friday, June 18, 2010

When I'm bored at breakfast...

Abner; made with a nutella banana sandwich and french fries. 

Mmm, now I want nutella

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Sick as a dog

Lilly and I were up all night with diarrhea and vomiting spells, her's not mine. By 4:30am I was so tired of getting up and down that I built her a down comforter fort by the sofa and we camped out in the living room.

She is still not feeling well but I'm hoping a little extra love and some fresh chicken and quinoa will do the trick. I HATE when my dogs are sick, I wish they could talk so I would know what was wrong and could make them feel better. On second thought, I'll stick with the not talking.

Oh the stories they'd tell...

Sunday, June 13, 2010

You're kidding, right

So, the other day I went to the Doctor for a physical. Sounds pretty boring right? Like why the hell do you care? Well, I haven't been to the doctor for a physical in 10+ years.

Now before you get all OH MY GOD YOU ARE GOING TO DIE on me, let me explain. I have a gynecologist that I see annually and quite frankly, I see no other reason to go to the doctor. Unless of course I'm dying, which I am not, or at least I don't think I am.

Anyway, there I sat, waiting for the doctor...waiting, still waiting, STILL WAITING, WHERE THE FUCK IS THE DOCTOR. Oh, hello. Here, take my blood pressure. 140 over 96. Are you kidding me? Sorry, I'm just nervous, my blood pressure is usually really low.

I then began to nervously ramble, telling the doctor my entire life story and ending with the fact that I don't like doctors; sorry doc, but I don't. She proceeded to ask me a variety of questions including a few RANDOM ones like if I wore my seat belt. Yes, I do, in fact I am pretty sure the car won't start unless you are wearing one, right mom? If I wore sunscreen? Did you not see this pasty white skin before you? And if I exercised...

Oh shit, I didn't know this was going to be on the exam. "Yes," I answered confidently, "I do exercise." She wanted to know how much and what type of exercise, and that is when my blood pressure rose to hypertension.

I walk the dogs every day for about an hour and sometimes I do some sit ups and my husband and I have push up competitions during commercial breaks of The Biggest Loser. But it is off season for that show, so I haven't done a push up in a few weeks, but I walk A LOT.

Once she was able to stop laughing at me, she informed me that walking was NOT exercise and I was like wait, what? I thought walking 30min a day WAS exercising. Well, according to her walking would be exercise if I was over 50 or overweight but the fact that I am under 30 and of normal weight meant that walking as a form of exercise was a joke.

She is kidding right? No, I actually think she is serious because now she is lecturing me about the fact that my good genes will only take me so far and that it is time for me to stop relying on my genes alone. But you don't understand! It is the genes that have made my cookie habit possible, you can't take the genes away, I'LL DIE!

For the next few days I told everyone how offended I was because I DO exercise and they were like, why are you talking again? So I figured maybe she was right, maybe walking isn't exercise. I mean, I am moving but I am not raising my heart rate.

Fine doctor, you win, are you happy now, you officially made me feel like a gene abusing asshole who has been kidding herself for years. Now all I can think about is how lazy I am which makes me want a cookie but OH NO, we can't simply rely on the genes to burn off the cookie calories.

I knew I didn't like doctors.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

So sleepy

Abner does everything in excess, including yawning. He must yawn twenty times each time he wakes up, sometimes in groups of 3 or 4 where his mouth never closes. You'd think I would have captured a cute yawn picture by now but NO. Every time he is on a roll and I take out my camera he stops.

Such an asshole.

Come to think of it, he stops doing ANYTHING cute or entertaining when my camera comes out.


Friday, June 11, 2010

Slumber Party

My incredibly beautiful and long lost to San Diego friend Suzanne came to visit this entire past week. She stayed with Ryan and I while her dog Jack stayed with my mom. I know this sounds a bit odd, but with our two dogs, Georgia, my hair, and Suzanne’s hair, one more dog was just out of the question.

My vacuum would have exploded!

Totally kidding, maybe. Her dog stayed with my mom because he and Abner do not get along. I can’t imagine why though. I mean, doesn’t every dog love it when another fat wombat pig of a dog is constantly jumping up in their face and wanting to play and barking and rolling around on the floor like a turtle who’s turned over on it’s shell? Come on, lighten up, Jack!

Anyway, with dogs in their appropriate locations we had a BLAST. Lucky for me it was a busy week and Suzanne didn’t have to see what a total bore I really am. We hung by the pool in Carmel, went to my friend Pam’s baby shower, Noelle’s birthday party, had a BBQ, made homemade macaroni and cheese, cruised endlessly, and had multiple marathon chat sessions where all things imaginable were discussed.

I am pretty sure that with all our talking we not only provided heat for the entire house, but we also solved all the world’s problems. You’re welcome by the way. I mean seriously, we talked A LOT. It kind of felt like one big childhood slumber party where you stay up all night talking about boys and getting boobs and what you will be when you grow up; except my mom wasn’t there to clean up all the messes and I had a hang over half of the time, but I digress.

It was just so nice to have a friend that even if we don’t get to talk or see each other all that often, we can still pick up right where we left off.


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Is is too much?

I have been wanting to change the look of my blog for a while now. Unfortunately every time I try I have an uncontrollable urge to use black because that is the only color worth using really. But then I think maybe not everyone appreciates black like I do and end up just leaving it as is.

Well today after logging on to FINALLY post something I saw this fancy template and thought, "what the hell." It is WAY too bright and cheery for my taste, but maybe you all like it...or maybe I should go black?

Opinions welcomed

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Some things better left unsaid...

If Ryan were Superman, his kryptonite's would be mayonnaise and sour cream. Needless to say whenever we go out to eat there is always a firm, NO MAYO ON MY SANDWICH or NO SOUR CREAM ANYWHERE NEAR MY NACHOS! I know he really wants to pull a Bruce Willis and say, "if you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, I'll chop your legs off, set fire to your house, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out the door."

At breakfast:

Waitress: Here you go. (puts Ryan's plate down with a HUGE gob of sour cream)

Me: Oh, he didn't want sour cream

Ryan: No words, just making a face as though someone had just shit on his foot

Waitress: Oh my gosh I am so sorry, you did say no sour cream, here let me take it back...are you allergic?

Ryan: No, it just makes me want to vomit!

Me: Check please

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Dog Pile

We decided to rearrange the living room this weekend and I must say that I am more than pleased with the result. Now that the chaise is against a wall and not at an angle in the room, we can actually use it! Amazing new concept, right?

Ryan and I aren't the only ones with a new found use for the chaise lounge. All of a sudden it EXISTS to the dogs. That chaise was in the room for over a year and not once had Lilly set paw on it. Now she thinks that it, along with all of our furniture, is HERS!

Whatever makes her happy, I just like it because we can all fit at the same time and cuddle. To be honest, this was not all that comfortable for my back, and my arm may have been completely asleep but I wasn't about to move, not when there was a sleeping pup on my chest.

A place for everything and everything in its place

Not only is this a catchy phrase and quite honestly music to my ears, but it also encompasses the very way my brain functions. I am not sure why, but my mind moves a million miles an hour and is always thinking about more than one thing at a time. This is why it helps me to have everything where it belongs; in my mind and in my living space. You see, if things are out of place it makes for quite the circus event.

If I walk into the bedroom to get dressed and everything isn’t in its proper place I can not get dressed until it is. It is like invasion of the body snatchers and I can’t control it. All of a sudden my arms are making the bed and opening the blinds and straightening the picture frames and fluffing the pillows. Then my legs take over and walk me to the hamper which I see has enough whites for a load of wash and before I know it I am standing in the laundry room still in my pajamas.

Wash started, off to get dressed, but in order to walk back to my bedroom from the laundry room I must pass the living room causing my arms to involuntarily fluff pillows and adjust magazines and open blinds and fix dog blankets and putt away dog toys and toss Ryan’s club soda can from last night into the recycle bin, which lands me in the kitchen.

OK, I’ll get dressed after I put the coffee pot away, meanwhile where the hell is my coffee? Ah, there it is. I am going to have to reheat for the 5th time because I keep taking one sip and setting it down and forgetting about it. Hum, I should probably wipe down the counter…beep beep beep. Ah, the microwave, my coffee. Now where was I? Oh yes, getting dressed. Oh shit is it really 9 o'clock already!

Throw on whatever I can find, straighten the duvet where Abner jumped on the bed, grab shoes, put away the bone I almost just stepped on, get my purse, did I remember to brush? Grab a snack, wipe up that one random crumb on the counter, where is my coffee? Look for coffee, find it, cold, reheat the coffee and in the 30 seconds it takes to warm, get the dogs a treat, pick up the random stick Abner just brought inside, WHY DO MY DOGS KEEP PUTTING RANDOM SHIT IN MY WAY? Kiss dogs and I'm out the door. Jump in the car and WHERE THE HELL IS MY COFFEE?

You see, now I am faced with a horrible dilemma. If I go back inside then I will get the dogs all excited which I’m fairly certain will cause the earth not to turn and aliens will fall from space and we will all die. But if I don’t go back then my coffee will sit in the microwave all day and what if the clean police choose MY house to inspect today and they call me and say, “Well, we WERE going to give you a million dollars for a clean house but that coffee in the microwave totally killed it for you.”

Alright brain, find a happy spot or you are going to be late for work and then the world really will fall apart.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Just so you know...

When I first started this blog I was unaware that in order to comment you had to sign up for google and/or something else complicated and annoying. I have changed the settings so anyone can comment at any time.

It will show up anonymous so if you want me to know who you are you have to sign your name. If you are making a nasty comment and don't want me to know who you are, that's OK too, just don't sign your name. But know this, karma is a bitch and so is my dog that will track you down and sit on you until you beg for mercy.

Bring it on!