Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Free To A Good Home

Free to a Good Home:

6 month old pure breed human baby up for adoption.  He comes with his own bottles, blankets and clothes.  We adopted him thinking he would be a good playmate for our dogs, but it turns out we don't have time for him.  He has a lot of energy and always wants to play. He is a sweet baby, but is not yet fully potty trained and chews on toys that aren't his.  The other morning he even peed in his bed and I had to change the sheets and do an extra load of laundry.  Plus he keeps us up at night crying and I worry that he will give our dogs germs and possibly bite them.  Please contact me if you are interested in adopting this baby.  I would hate to have to bring him to the pound and have him put to sleep, but we just can't keep him. 

Sound crazy?  What if the rolls were reversed?  What if you had to get rid of the baby instead?  I mean, in reality, isn't the baby the one that is taking up all your free time?
I am so sick and tired of reading about people giving their dogs away after they have a baby because they just don't have time for them anymore or they are dirty or whatever other lame ass excuse you come up with.  When you adopted or bought a dog you took on the responsibility to care for them FOR THEIR WHOLE LIFE, not until it becomes inconvenient for you. 

If you can't commit to 10-15 years of care then DON'T GET A DOG!!!  And for god's sake DON'T BREED THE DOG IN HOPES OF MAKING MONEY OFF THEIR PUPPIES!!!  They are there to be your companion not a money maker, not your "guard dog" and not some cute little accessory that you ditch the second it outgrows your purse.

The number of dogs surrendered due to a new baby is alarming and sickening.  I know that in rare cases a dog can actually be a real danger to a child but please, take time to re home your dog with a loving FOREVER home without kids.  YOU OWE IT TO THEM!!!  WE domesticated them, WE chose to adopt or buy them, WE are responsible for their care!  Don't think that dropping your dog off at the shelter or posting an add on craigslist somehow absolves you of responsibility.  Their blood is on your hands and guess what, there is about a 95% chance that they WILL DIE before the end of the week!  Does your dog have any pit bull or bully like characteristics?  It was dead before you even drove away. 

I know we are all busy and I know, boy do I KNOW how much time a baby takes, but please, PLEASE don't ditch your doggies!!

Monday, January 30, 2012


It feels a bit like Summer in January over here so we took advantage of a particularly gorgeous morning and visited the park.  Caches is still pretty young to "play" at the park, but we are old enough to play for him, with him? 

Whatever the case, it was a nice time and brought back fond memories of wet butts from swings and slides on early Summer days as a kid. 

Future note to self: Bring a towel next time, wet butts are not as fun as an adult.


Not 100% sure if his face is saying, "wee, that was fun!" or "HOLY SHIT, maybe they ARE going to kill me!"

Wednesday, January 25, 2012


About five years ago, just before Ryan and I started dating, he took Lilly in for a teeth cleaning.  The tech took her back and then brought out the paperwork for Ryan to go over and sign before he left.  As with any surgery, you are required to quite literally sign your/her life away and then promise not to sue the doctor if something goes wrong and you, or your dog, you know like DIES.

Ryan was so caught of guard and so in love with his dog that he declined, had Lilly brought back out and promptly left the vet office.  In the years following, he has commented no less than a dozen times on Lilly needing her teeth cleaned.  "The vet is having a special, we really should look into getting Lilly's teeth cleaned."  "Hey babe, what do you think about having Lilly's teeth cleaned?"   "WOW, Lilly has some horrid shit breath, let's have her teeth cleaned."  But nothing ever comes of it. 

And since there was NO way I was going to pressure him into it, the years have passed and the breath would nearly make you pass out.  Of course each time Ryan would bring up the subject of Lilly's teeth he would just as quickly change the subject or "forget" about it, so five years later when he mentioned it I figured I'd humor him and call for a price quote.  And then listen to him rationalize his way out of it and the shit breath would remain. 

But he surprised me.   "Book it," he said, and once I had picked my jaw up off of the floor I did. 

Today was the big day, but the past three weeks leading up to today have been a little touchy.  You see, Ryan and Lilly are kind a big deal.  They were made for each other.  They are so in love with one another that it could make you either cry or gag depending on what kind of person you are or how dramatic one or both of them are being.  NOTHING would EVER be OK again if that dog died while having her teeth cleaned.  NOTHING!!  And so the past few weeks, particularly the past few days have been a little tense around here. 

This morning I, the bad guy, dropped her off and signed the dreaded paper that put the risk of death right there in black and white.  I sighed it and as my pen scratched the paper I felt tears welling up inside.  I left wishing I had given her just one more kiss, one more pat of reassurance, been able to see her just one more second before her graceful silhouette disappeared around the corner.  I bussied myself all day frequently checking my phone for word from the vet. 

Finally the call came and I held my breath as the tech informed me that everything was OK.  I could BREATHE AGAIN and the color slowly started pooling into Ryan's concerned face.  He, the good guy, went to pick her up and she is now home safe and sound.  She is walking around like the ol' towne drunk and searching for food as if she hasn't eaten in weeks, you know, her normal self. 

So with a happy heart we made it through, a success!  But I'm going on record right now that this is not happening again, EVER.  Even if she lives to be 30 and her teeth are rotting out of her skull.  I'll chew up her food for her before I sign that paper again. 

Monday, January 23, 2012


I wanted to wait until Caches showed real interest in food before introducing him to solids, particularly because he is so sensitive in the digestive area.  So when I couldn't eat without him chewing the air and trying to steal every single item that went into my mouth, I knew it was time. 

We started with zucchini and he LOVED it.  Next was avocado which was also a  hit...until he broke out in a rash.  The GI wanted us to go back to just zucchini for a week and then introduce green vegetables one at a time each for 4-5 days.  So far I have a veggie lover on my hands!  He had peas the other day and cried when I stopped feeding him.  Like tears running down his face, cried...FOR PEAS! 

We shot a video of his first meal but I have no idea how to flip it and I doubt you all want to turn your heads sideways to watch it so I'll skip the video and pictures will have to do. 

Thursday, January 19, 2012

How We Roll

Caches doesn't do anything easy, ANYTHING!  He still doesn't really like to ride in the stroller and he will only stay in the shopping cart seat for about 5 minutes so out of desperation, where most of my brilliant ideas come from, we came up with this.


Yep, this is how my 6 month old son likes to ride around.  The wind in his face and no straps of oppression holding him down.  Boy am I in trouble in about fifteen years.  

And before you send me hate mail and point out to me how dangerous this is, let me clarify.  I only do this when I am with another person so I can hold him at all times.  Well, at all times accept for 11 dangerous seconds where I selfishly left him alone so I could take a video and post it on my blog.   

Oh, and I'm also aware of how dirty the shopping carts are and that my baby will put his filthy hands in his mouth, but dont' worry, I'll have the dogs lick him clean

Wednesday, January 18, 2012


Censorship is not the answer

Take a moment to sign the petition against SOPA AND PIPA @ 

It only takes a moment

End piracy, NOT liberty!

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

January 17, 1981

The world forever changed on this day, 31 years ago, when my big brother was born.  Never before has there been, and never again will there be, a person quite like Nicolaus Andrew.  He is the reason I wanted a boy for my first born and am hoping for a girl next.  Because I want my daughter to have a big brother like I did. 

There is just something so special about having a brother.  You share the same life;  parents, home, heartbreak, joy, traditions.  You are together for everything.  Of course along the way you make other friends and even get married, but there is no one else on earth who has known you from the moment you were born.  No one else has shared baths and bedtime stories, bedrooms and toys.  No one else that remembers playing bug, building couch forts, falling off bikes, and getting into trouble that mom and dad never found out about. 

Playing, fighting, loving, hating.  The raging hormones and conflicts, the support and companionship.  Always knowing that I had someone on my side.  Someone who knows where I am coming from and why I am the way that I am.  Someone who is almost as crazy as I.  Yep, there really is nothing quite like a brother. 

Happy Birthday Nic No, I love you so


On chilly days like today, Abner makes the rounds from one heater vent to the next

He will just sit there baking until the heater clicks off.  Then he will glare at you as though you personally turned off HIS heater! 

He also refuses to go out and pee when it is cold.  He will sit by the door but the moment I open it and he feels the draft he backs up like, mom, that is NOT happening, I can totally hold it until the sun come out.

And  then he retreats to his throne atop a million bacon filled pillows to lick is feet inevitably triggering the first throw up that I get to clean up for the day. 

Friday, January 13, 2012

Hanging Out

Laundry with Abner's help

Loves the view from up there

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Start the Clock

Okay, baby down. That means I have about 20 minutes to write about Christmas, minus the 3 minutes it took to warm up my coffee for the third time this morning.  What does this mean?  This post will be mostly pictures but that is what you really want to see anyway, right?  You don't care about my attempts to be clever or ironic, you just want to see the cute baby! 

Alright, you win, but I am going to at least tell how absolutely crazy we were going out of town for 5 days including 7 hours of driving and sleeping at two different houses with a baby that doesn't sleep, HATE THE CAR SEAT, and is generally unpleasant! 

The good news?  The trip was a success.  We had a chance to visit with a lot of friends and family and introduce Caches to many new loving faces.  And the car ride wasn't nearly as bad as I had anticipated.  I mean I was literally one blink away from breaking out in a rash for the past two weeks I was so nervous about the car ride.  Listening to him screaming and choking on saliva for 20 minutes is one thing, but 2-3 hours?  Might as well just throw me in the reservoir with concrete boots! 

The bad news?  He came down with is first cold and had a fever starting Christmas Eve and continuing until the morning after Christmas.  He was a pretty good sport, all things considered, and didn't really let the cold and mild fever phase him.  Of course he couldn't breathe out of his nose, which meant he couldn't lay flat, which meant I had to pleasure of holding him ALL night in the most uncomfortable position humanly possible.  This also meant that the past two MONTHS of tediously trying to teach him to sleep on his own went down the shitter right along with the last thread of my sanity!

But every unfortunate event has a silver lining, right?  My silver lining?  Finally getting to use the sucker thing from the hospital to suck snot out of Caches' nose!  Oh god was it fun!  He wasn't the biggest fan, but I reminded him that it was me who had to wake up ten times a night so he could breathe, me who could  NOT EAT CHRISTMAS COOKIES, and me who could very easily drop him off in our neighbors nativity scene as baby Jesus in the freezing cold!

Ah, guilt...and nose suckers

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

6 Months

On January first, Caches turned six months old.  Six months!  Half of a year! 182.5 days!

Holy shit, I haven't slept in 182.5 days...

Caches Michael,

Today you are six months old.  This means we have managed to keep you alive for a whole half of a year!  Now, you may not think this is all that big of an accomplishment, but trust me son, IT IS!  And this past month has by far been the most exciting and changing of your life; Caches, you are a real live tiny human!

Your days of screaming for hours and hours are behind you making room for lots of smiles in their place.  You still scream, and boy kid, can you SCREAM, but it is no longer an all day event.  I have no idea why you are so moody but I have resolved to stop trying to figure it out and torture myself because the bottom line is I just don't know why, and you aren't talking !  Plus, you don't really care that you are a hot mess of mood swings just waiting for explode.  You actually seem quite content to go from giggling to screaming in 3 seconds and back again, so why not just accept it.

I'm trying...

This month you have figured out how to sit all by yourself and you LOVE the view from this angle.  I knew you would be happier once you could do things for yourself and turns out I actually got one right!  Lately, you like to sit and gather as many toys in your lap as will fit.  You'll reach and reach for everything in sight and get frustrated when you can't say, pull the chair into your lap and chew on its legs. 

You have also recently perfected the desire to want what you can't have.  I know all babies go through this phase, but you are a quick study.  One day I could eat while you sat in my lap playing with a toy and the next you were grabbing my fork, my water glass, my napkin, my face, the tablecloth, KNIVES!!! And damn it are you fast!  Just today your dad found out how fast you are when you dumped a glass of ice cold water onto his lap at lunch.  Good one, by the way :)

I assume this is in part because you now have the desire to eat real food.  Just this week we started you on solid food and you love it.  Your first food was organic zucchini, mmm.  I prepared the puree, sat you in your high chair, fastened your bib and gave you a spoon.  I wasn't expecting you to actually eat anything, I more expected your to play with it and taste it, but you wanted to EAT.  Without even so much as a grimace, you ate a whole mini portion of zucchini and wanted more!

Speaking of food, this month mama got food back!  Now that your reflux is on it's way out I can enjoy soy, dairy and wheat again!!  Your doctor wants me to wait a bit longer for peanuts, but I don't care, I can eat a COOKIE...or ten.

Caches, I totally have a crush on you!  You are just about the sweetest, brightest star I have ever seen.  Yes, you are a handful and you try my patience to the point of insanity, but you make up for it leaps and bounds when you flash your gummy grin, giggle in delight over the strangest occurrence or gaze at me intensely with those gorgeous blue eyes.  We are not the most peaceful or organized mother and child, but we have something special.  Something so special that I draw a blank when trying to find words to express it, but my heart is warm at the very thought. 

These past six months have flown by and I'm sure the next will .....ok, you are up from a 13 minute nap and I have been trying to post this damn letter for 2 weeks so I give up, here it is.

I love you to the moon,


Saturday, January 7, 2012

Happy New Year

Still working on the six month old and Christmas posts, but since nothing in my life is in order I figured I'd keep it up with the blog.

We partied like hundred year old women rock stars polishing off almost a bottle of Champagne and making it to East Coast New Year before giving up and going to bed.  I figured one way or another I'd be up at midnight and sure enough, Cache wanted me to ring in the New Year with some festive screaming around midnight.  Happy Freakin' New Year Mom!

He didn't get the memo that my resolution is to get rid of these bags under my eyes!  Actually, he probably got it and promptly put it through the paper shredder along with my wish list to Santa saying all I wanted for Christmas was ONE FUCKING SILENT NIGHT!!! 

No such luck

Aside from the mind numbing sleep deprivation, I know this year is going to be one for the books and I simply can't wait for all the adventures to come.  You know, like giving your baby a Champagne cork to suck on..

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Is Anybody Home?

Knock, knock!  Yes, I'm still here.  It has been a crazy couple of weeks and as always my poor blog is the first thing to be neglected.  Well, my blog and shaving my legs. I have a post about Christmas, New Years, turning into a zombie and Caches turning six months old in the works for this week.  Will any of them actually get posted?  That remains to be seen. 

Today was Caches' six month physical.  He is 27 inches long and 15 lbs 11 oz.  A minimum of three of those 15 pounds are piss and vinegar!  He is also STILL a hot screaming mess in the car which leads me to the heart of my story. 

After the doctors appointment Ryan and I decided to grab some Indian food for lunch.  I LOVE Indian food and probably ate enough for three people.  Of course Caches was trying to grab every single item on the table starting with the knife and settling for the full glass of water making in physically impossible for me to enjoy my meal.  Eating with a baby in your arms is kind of like trying to eat with your feet.  It just doesn't work.  Well, it kind of works but the table and your lap both end up covered in drips of food as you attempt to get the food on the fork and the fork in your mouth.  The baby is also probably going to end up with food in their hair and if you are like me, you will simply eat it right of their head instead of trying to wrestle them and wipe it off.

Anyway, as we were eating I could tell that Caches was getting sleepy and rather than just relaxing and dozing off like a normal child he chooses to get all ten kind of crazy and squirm and fight it.  Fun, right?  Finally, after bouncing him around in the ergo and looking like a total loon in the restaurant, he fell asleep.  For ten minutes.  Oh goodie, now he was really going to be grumpy. 

We walked to the car and already I could feel by body tensing up.  I'd have to put him in the car seat, SLEEPY.  Nothing is more unpleasant that being trapped in a car with a screaming child who is tired but refuses to sleep, NOTHING.  Well, there are things, but it SUCKS.  Flash forward 30 minutes of screaming car ride later and the kid is exhausted. 

Immediately I walk him to the bedroom, swaddle him up and attempt to get him to sleep.  Success, but I can tell that a ninja transfer to the crib is out of the question for this nap so I sit.  Let me just say THANK GOD for the iPhone.  I think anyone who has a crazy baby that needs to be held for naps would agree that it is a life saver.  I decided to play bookworm and hopefully Cache would play keep your freakin' eyes SHUT. 

But about ten minutes in I sense a problem, I have to poop.  I ignore it hoping the urge will go away, but it doesn't, it only gets worse and worse as I curse the amount of food I consumed for lunch.  A normal person would have put the baby down and gone to the bathroom but me, no way.  This kid was taking a fucking NAP! 

I sat for another 20 minutes or so getting increasingly more and more uncomfortable until it crossed my mind that perhaps this was not good for my body.  Could a person do harm holding in their poop?  I don't know, but Google does.  Yep, I closed bookworm and actually Googled side effects of holding your poop.  Turns out it isn't a very good idea but no worries this time, the kid woke up.  I foolishly thought I would be able to put him in his crib and go to the bathroom ALONE but NOOOOOOOOOOOO.  Mr. Screaming Mess had to come along.

Six months ago I would have NEVER been able to poop with another person in the bathroom.  I guess that is just one more gift of motherhood, hairy legs, uni-brow, dark circles and no privacy.  And I couldn't be happier.  OK that's a lie too, I'd be happier to poop alone.