Friday, April 29, 2011

Maybe, Just Maybe

they actually do like each other...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

When He Could

Abner  LOVES the hose!  It makes watering the plants a hassle, not that I ever do it, but I feel for Ryan.  


Abner is no longer allowed to play with the hose like this due to his back injury so I am glad to have it on film.

Update: His back started to bother him again Friday night so we have him on one more round of pain killers and muscle relaxers that are supposed to help keep him calm...YEAH RIGHT!  

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

...and Counting

To be completely honest I can't remember if it was April 26th or April 28th that Ryan and I had our first "date," so I have decided to alternate dates each year and figure 50% of the time I will be correct.   Last year I wrote of our first meeting and I must say that rereading it this year made me a little teary. 

I can't believe it has been four years.  FOUR YEARS.  It might not seem like a long time to some of you, but understand that up until I met Ryan my relationships lasted about as long as my houseplants, 5-10 minutes. Now here I sit four years later married with a baby on the way and it totally blows my mind. 

4 years down, 60+ to go.  And there is nobody I'd rather spend them with.





Saturday, April 23, 2011

Misery Loves Company

My poison oak is clearing up but it looks like someone's is just beginning.

This morning while I was returning emails I hear Ryan call from the shower...

Ryan:  "Oh no!"

Me:  "What?"

Ryan:  "I have poison oak on my dick."

I can't help but laugh.   This is going to be fun!

Friday, April 22, 2011

Afternoon Stroll

...this walk lead to the poison oak, but it was beautiful none the less

Thursday, April 21, 2011


Do I really need to say more?

I suppose I do in case anyone reading isn't from this area and doesn't react to that picture by getting up and running  for the Tecnu.  What's that?  You don't even know what Tecnu is?  I'm happy for you, I really am, but do yourself a favor and take a mental picture of this plant.  3 leaves, typically shiny and sometimes tinged with red or orange.   If you ever see it, look with your eyes, not with your hands and run for the Tecnu!  I swear even looking at it can cause an outbreak. 

I am talking about poison oak and I HAVE IT.  So annoyed.  Why is it always the one who is the most cautious about not touching it that gets it?  I am boarderline crazy about staying away from the stuff due to HORRIBLE experiences as a kid; use your imagination.  Yep, I had it there too.

Thankfully this is a minor outbreak and I hope to keep it that way.  I am a bit paranoid that I touched my face, my eyes or my girly parts before I knew I was contaminated, but I am pretty sure it will clear up within a few days.  That is a total lie, I really think it will take over my entire body but I'm working on positive self talk.  

In the mean time I'll use restraint and not rip my skin off and rake it with a fork.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

I'll Just Put it On My To-Do List

As you know from previous posting, Abner has herniated a disc in his back, eaten random shit and ended up in emergency, chewed up countless objects, suffered from anaphylactic shock when receiving vaccines, thrown up on my bed,  and gotten shit stains on both my arms and my shirt.  Quite frankly, I think he owes me a drink, a pitcher.

And as if all that wasn't enough, I received a call from the vet today to check how Abner was doing and to discuss his x-rays further.  Apparently our vet had a radiologist review his films for a second opinion and while his spine looked fine, he did notice some pulmonary congestion.

Immediately I assume he has some kind of lung disease and is going to die any minute.  My heart dropped, I grew another patch of gray hair and I felt the vomit and tears welling up inside.

Luckily he assured me that this was minor, probably long gone by now and likely caused by the stress of hurting his back, vomiting and sniffing some of it back up or sniffing anything that he shouldn't be sniffing like, you know, his sisters ass.

So now not only do I need to be careful of his back but I am supposed to start listening to his lungs a few times a week so that I can note any differences or possible congestion.  I swear this dog alone is a part time job.

A few weeks ago a friend of mine who wants to get a dog and I were discussing the pros and cons when she looked at Lilly and said, "You know, research shows that people with dogs are happier and live longer lives than those without."  "Really?"  I replied, "because mine kill me a little bit every. single. day."

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Santa, Is That You?

I remember watching A Baby Story or some other lame baby show on TLC a while back and this woman, who was pregnant with twins, was laughing with her husband and her belly was violently shaking up and down.  I remember just watching in amazement, my reaction somewhere between shocked and horrified. 

I thought to myself, will this happen to me when I am pregnant? 

For the record, yes, but when Santa laughs and his belly shakes like a bowl full of jelly it is cute and we sing songs about it and smile.  When I laugh and MY belly shakes like jelly I assure you, it is neither song worthy or cute.

 Gotta love those belly tattoos that were a good idea 10 years ago...when the stomach was flat

Monday, April 18, 2011

30 Weeks


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Are You Afraid of the Dark?

We all have irrational fears.  Some of us are afraid of the dark while other are afraid of spiders, or heights, or carbs.  As for me? I am afraid that my belly button will leak; always have been.  Now you may be laughing, rolling your eyes, or giving your computer screen a good "what the fuck" look, but hear me out.

Your belly button was once open and attached to your umbilical cord which nourished you in the womb.  It was clamped and cut at birth and then abra cadabra it is a belly button? Where is the magician in the deliver room?  I for one am skeptical.  How the hell does it close up?  There has to be a faulty point somewhere in there, which bring me to my issue.  The pregnant belly button.

Let me just start off by apologizing to everyone reading this who has an outie.  I am going to offend you. Your belly button grosses me out.  There, I said it.  I can't even look at an outie belly button without cringing.  Then it consumes my thoughts and I can't have a conversation with you because all I think think about is that your belly button may burst at any moment and I'll have to be the one to clean up your oozing guts.  So I'm sorry Kelly Ripa, I'm sure you are a great person, but keep your shirt on if you want to have a chat. 

That being said, let's move on to the pregnant belly button. Take your uterus, fill it up with some fluid, a placenta and a baby and suddenly it begins to bulge.   All fine and dandy until the swelling belly begins to push on the unstable belly button and bam, innie becomes outie and I become terrified. 

Some find this bodily change cute and actually look forward to their belly button "popping"  POPPING THEY CALL IT!!!!  That just screams LEAKAGE!!!  And I can't tell you how many message board posts and pages of baby books are devoted to the popping belly button.  And women are excited about this!!  Did you know that sometimes a "popped" belly button from  pregnancy doesn't go back.  It can actually turn into an umbilical hernia and get bigger!!  I would die, pass. out. and. DIE.

When I found out I was pregnant one of my first fears, after I was done obsessing that I may loose the baby or that the Dr. lied and there was no baby, was my bell button.  People kept asking me if I was afraid of getting stretch marks and saggy boobs.  Of course I am, but what really keeps me up at night is the thought of my belly button, a nice innie, deciding to turn on me and pop out possibly leaking my innards out.

Just typing that gave me the chills.

So if you haven't picked up on it yet, my belly button is NOT yet sticking out and I tell myself every day that it won't, EVER, period.  But just in case it does, I am prepared.  First, no mirrors that show the belly and no more pictures.  Second, a simple band aid might work to keep it down, or perhaps medical tape, but I am prepared to go further.  I am fully prepared to wrap my entire belly in an Ace bandage that will only be removed for showers where I will keep my eyes up if that is what it takes.  I refuse to just let that thing run wild.

10 more weeks, just 10 more weeks...

Oh, and if you share this fear with me never, I repeat NEVER Google "outie" or "umbilical hernia"  You will have nightmares for weeks. 

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

It's All in the Genes

Lately I have been thinking quite a bit about what/who our future child will look like.  Curly hair or straight?  Blue eyes?  Widow's peek?  Dimples?  Red hair?  Mid-digit finger hair?  Creepy bent finger (Ryan)?  Freckles?  Attached or unattached earlobes?  Will he/she be able to curl their tongue?  Webbed toes?  A TAIL?

There is just too much to imagine.

I remember taking a biology class that taught a good bit of genetics research and from what I remember, not much, and what I have recently read on the internet, which by the way I have come to have a love/hate relationship with.  I love Google when it tells me what I want to hear, like it is normal to be brain dead.  But I hate it when it tells me that just because I didn't feel the baby move for an hour it could be dead; Google, I think we need to see a counselor before this baby comes. 

Anyway, what I have come up with so far is that it is genetically impossible for our child to have brown eyes, it will have unattached earlobes, finger hair and will be able to curl its tongue...

Just like its brother

Now about those ears...

Monday, April 11, 2011

An Edit is in Order

From now on Webster Dictionary should read:

Naughty [naw-tee]:
–adjective, -ti·er, -ti·est.
disobedient; mischievous (used especially in speaking to or about children or Abner): Weren't we naughty not to eat our spinach? or Wasn't I naughty to knock mom's wedding ring off of the bedside table and make her think I ate it and that she would have to riffle through my shit for a week looking for it?
improper, tasteless, indecorous, or indecent: a naughty word or passing gas when there is company present.
Obsolete . wicked; evil.
1350–1400; Middle English; see naugh, t
September 23, 2008; Fallbrook, California

naugh·ti·ly, adverb
naugh·ti·ness, noun

1.  willful, wayward, misbehaving, Abner



Friday, April 8, 2011

Like Mother, Like Son

I have been a bit preoccupied with Abner this week, trying to keep him as quiet as possible and pain free.  OK fine, I have been totally obsessing and it has taken over the small amount of functioning brain space I had left and smashed it like a watermelon flying off of the fifth floor.  I admit it, sit down for this confession, I am feeling overwhelmed.  That leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I think the reason I am feeling this way is because I blame myself for him getting injured in the first place.  I knew he wasn't supposed to jump on and off of the bed but for some reason, because he could do it so effortlessly, I let him do it.  I always had a little feeling that I let him play too rough, but he loved it so much that I let him do it and now he is left confused and it is all my fault.

He doesn't understand why he can't jump up on the bed tonight when he could a few nights ago.  Or why I took away his lookout chair in the front window, or why he doesn't get to go for a walk.  And he looks at me with these big sad brown eyes and I fall apart.  To make matters worse, he is the WORST patient ever, aside from me of course.

He thinks that he is healed, like nothing ever happened and he should just go right back to normal every day life.  I wish he could, but what he fails to realize is that he only reason he is feeling better is because he is medicated.  Doesn't he know he could re injure himself at any moment and that would be my fault too!  And I am a horrible mom and the world is going to end!  UHHHHH!! You try reasoning with a French Bulldog sometime and let me know how it goes.

In the mean time I am trying not to be so hard on myself and am seriously considering just locking him in a cage for, oh let's say about 2 years?   It won't be so bad, his human sibling will probably be joining him in said cage sooner than later.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Rinse Before Eating

A concept I never quite understood.  Well, that is not entirely accurate.  I understand the concept, I just don't see how rinsing something in water is going to clean it. 

This may surprise some of you and/or make you not want to eat at my house, but I do not "wash" my fruits and vegetables before eating them.  GASP!  I mean, if there is dirt or something obvious I will give it a wipe down with a clean towel, and of course I rinse the sand out of leeks, but I fail to see how a rinse of water cleans anything.  

Take an apple for example.  If this apple is organic it may have some dust that can easily be wiped off with a towel or your shirt and if this apple is not organic then it is coated in a wax film to make is pretty and appealing that the market that water will not rinse away.  So, unless you are going to bust out the scrub brush and soap to clean your apple, what's the point? 

Same goes for most all other vegetables.  I understand that multiple sets of hands have touched my fruits and vegetables and that some of them may be less than desirable, but water, what he hell is cool water going to do?  If some kid shit at the market, didn't wash his hands, and then groped my bell pepper would water really wash away that sin?

Maybe it would, maybe I am unaware of the true value of rinsing my food in cold water but until someone can prove that it will keep me safer than simply wiping it off I will continue to ignore the rinse before eating label and endure with a shrug the gasps and horrified looks on peoples faces when they see me eat an apple with...dun dun dun, DIRT on it. 

Oh and just so you can set your speed dial for child protective services, I fully intend to let my kid eat items that have fallen on the floor, I do.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

A Classic Beauty

What?  I'm not supposed to be on the quilt?

Monday, April 4, 2011

28 Weeks

Time is Flying and
I am growing by the minute!

The Patient

Resting comfortably after his x-rays.  I wish I could say the same for myself.  Mama needs a cocktail and a little bit of what he is having.

The x-rays confirmed the herniated disc and that he has potential to have back problems his entire life.  It is really hard to hear seeing as he is only 2 years old, but whatever it takes, we'll do it.  Like keeping him calm for a week.  Um, Dr. have you ever tried to pick up a watermelon covered in oil or perhaps wrestle a wild pig in the mud?  No?  Then you have no idea what you are asking of us!

In all seriousness though, I will be making ever effort possible to see that he heals as quickly and efficiently as possible.  Even if it means tying his ass to the bed.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Just Put It On My Tab

Yesterday morning started out alright, I woke up bright and early to get my blood glucose test done and it was pretty uneventful.  A sweet drink, an hour wait and a phlebotomist that messed up and had to poke both arms later I was back home.  That is when the real fun started.

Can you sense my scarsm?

I got home at 8:30 and was greeted by the dogs in a typical squirming fashion.  Then, about 5 minutes later I noticed Abner acting a bit strange.  To be honest, I thought he had a boner.  Yes, a boner.  You see, sometimes when he gets excited he gets a little hard on and it scares him so he just sits there and shakes.  Ryan usually steps in and holds him still while giving him a pep talk about how it happens to all of us and so on and so forth; but it wasn't a boner.

He continued to act a bit strange, wandering around and shaking a little bit and just looking flat uncomfortable.  I offered him breakfast and when he refused I assumed he must have eaten something yesterday (typical) and decided to keep an eye on him for the rest of the morning.  After while he decided to eat and I figured we were out of the woods.  Little did I know we were just about to get lost in them.

Shortly after he ate breakfast I noticed he was acting extremely needy.  Following me everywhere, actually wanting me to hold him and looking pretty pathetic.  I decided to put us both back to bed to relax for a spell and he just melted into the covers like jello on a hot day.  He didn't move, he just lay there, occasionally moving to get comfortable, with a sad look on his face. 

At this point I convinced myself that he wasn't sick, at least not the kind of sick I thought to begin with; he was hurt.  My baby was in pain.  I spent the next few hours feeling my heart break into a million pieces because I wanted to fix it but I couldn't and I thought to myself that this is just a little taste of what it will be like sitting with a sick baby/child.  

Well, he was up all night which means I was up all night and with the suns rising I hoped for a better day.  Unfortunately he woke up in pain and we decided to that this couldn't wait until tomorrow during normal business hours, we would have to take him to emergency...for the second time this year.

Our amazing vet met us at his office, on a Sunday morning, how awesome/rare is that? Anyway, long story short, my fears and predictions were confirmed, Abner had herniated a disc in his back.  More than likely it happened while jumping off of the bed which I know he isn't supposed to do, but we let him anyway.  The vet injected him with both an anti-inflammatory and a narcotic pain medication but refused to give me a dose to ease the guilt I felt now reaching all the way down to my toes. 

We also took home some muscle relaxers and pain medication and made an appointment first thing tomorrow morning for spinal x-rays.  I am praying that it is just a minor herniation and he will heal quickly, but I can't help but let my brain go "there" and worry about paralyzation, chronic pain, surgery, etc.  Aside from his little legs giving out a bit when he stands (from the muscle relaxer) and walking just a little bit crooked he has the light back in his eyes and is much more comfortable than yesterday. 

When we were all done at the vet this morning he asked if we wanted to take care of the bill.  Ryan just looked at him and was like dude, we are coming back tomorrow for spinal x-rays, why don't you just go ahead and start us a tab.

I swear this dog needs to get a damn job.