Thursday, September 30, 2010

Transitional Object

Like most dogs, accept for Lilly who is far to sophisticated, Abner like to disembowel stuffed toys.  There is noting quite like gnawing off the leg of a cute fluffy doggy to pass the time.  And I love nothing more than coming home to a room covered in  poly fill and dog vomit because Abner has YET AGAIN gotten poly fill stuck in the back of his throat and gagged himself...3 or 4 times. 

As much as he loves to tear apart toys, there is one that he has had since he was a baby that he has never tried to injure, his bunny.  I am petty sure my mom got this bunny at the last chance mercantile, aka the dump, and that it was love at first sight for Abner. 

I still remember his first encounter with the bunny.  He sniffed it, started to chew on the eyeballs a little bit and then began licking the muzzle.  From there he lay down and began to "nurse" the muzzle of the bunny making the strangest snorting noises.  I thought awe, how cute, and figured this was a one time thing, I was wrong.

He sucked on that bunny multiple times a day.  When he was excited, when he was sleepy, when he was bored, sometimes at a 20 minute stretch.  Then came the anxiety, not for him, for me.  I was worried that maybe he was weaned to soon from his mother, or that he was so stressed in his new home that he needed to soothe himself.  That maybe he has some sort of separation anxiety from his brothers and sister, or that he hated me and it was probably a sure sign that he was going to die at any minute!

2 years later and anxiety quelled, again mine, not his, the bunny remains.   He still sucks it when he is overexcited or sleepy and occasionally to show off when we have company.  Our friends are like, um, what is he doing?  Oh you know, sucking on a bunny muzzle, it's kind of his "thing."  Wow, I hope they never have real children...

It has also become the cure all for his many neurosis. 

10pm..."Abner is barking at the chair again!"

"Just give him the bunny."

6am..."Abner won't stop sighing, I think he wants us to wake up!"

"Just give him his stupid bunny!"



Kind of like that weird kid in preschool who's every problem can be cured by a glass of water.  You are upset mommy is leaving? Here have a glass of water.  You're hot? Here have some water.  You cut your finger off playing with a knife?  Awe poor kid, here have a glass of water and leave mommy to her chardonay. 

Yes, I am telling you that I pawn off my kids problems so I can have a cocktail.

Sucking n' snorting

The bunny

Thursday, September 23, 2010

In other news

It is the first day of Autumn, by far my favorite season.  When the trees set aflame and your feet make that magical crunching sound as you walk through the neighborhood.

New look for the blog

New attitude for the lady

And a beautiful photograph for the eyes

I'd sure love to run along this path...

and roll around in these leaves like I was 5 years old again.  Not worried about getting dirty or getting spiders in my hair because someone else did the laundry and secretly swept spiders off my back. 

Tight squeeze, cool breeze, pumpkin spice lattes

1,051,200 minutes

8,760 hours

730 days

24 months

2 years

The world will never be the same

And neither will I

7 weeks

9 weeks & 6 pounds

Watching Lilly Play 10 weeks

Sleeping on dad's legs 3-4 months

Hating his life 6 months

Big Bird?

Loving mom

1st Birthday Party

Playing in the dirt
1.9 years

Happy Second Birthday Abner.

I love you more than you'll ever know...because you are a dog and you think your life is how all dogs lives are and really have no idea how much time is devoted to your happiness all to have you throw up on my freshly cleaned carpet, 4 times.

Lucky you're so cute

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Seriously though...

In a world so full of "new and improved," (which by the way is impossible because if something is new it cannot be also improved), RESIST. 

Resist the urge to buy something new and presumably better.  Make something yourself.  Reuse or re-purpose an item you already have.  Use your own two hands, your imagination, your passion. Feel it.  Put love into what you make.

Too often we opt for the easy way out, the microwavable, the pre-packaged, the brand new, wrapped up in a pretty box with a bow no less.

I love bows.

Why?  Because it is EASY and we like easy. We like things easy so much that there is a person out there sitting on a fortune because he invented an easy button; but easy isn't always better.

The best meals take time to prepare, children years to mold, animals countless hours of love and training.  And when I see people giving up puppies after owning them for 8 months and parents in the supermarket degrading their children and families eating exclusively from packages, seperated form the soil it makes me wonder.

Who told them it was supposed to be easy?  Who is selling this fairytale? 

Life isn't easy and it wasn't intended to be.

It is easy to open a box and set a timer, easy to keep feelings locked up inside, easy to ignore problems that need attention but late at night, when it is just you and your thoughts, easy won't be so...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Kids say the darndest things

Around 11pm one evening.  In the bathroom.  Brushing our teeth.  One of us gagging.  The other...just brushing.

Me: "You know I hate to be a nag but..."

Ryan: "But what?" As he finishes brushing his teeth and sets the toothbrush on the counter

Me: "Why do you put the toothbrush and toothpaste on the counter after you brush?  Why not put it away in the drawer?"

Ryan: "I don't want my toothbrush to mold."

Me: "MOLD?  Nice try buddy."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

The squeaky wheel get's the grease

 If you have ever read this blog, or met me, you know that I love my dogs more than any normal person should.  You also know that I spend at least 25% of every day chasing Abner around, saving him from falling into holes, eating bees and other toxic items, choking on sticks, wandering off and/or accidentally killing himself; he is my problem child.

He gives me endless material for this blog and for when my friends who have actual "children" are telling stories and I have to come up with something cute my child did.  They look at me weird and I'm like what? Oh really, your kid is so cool.  Can you lock your kid up in a box for 8 hours and go get drunk?  I didn't think so. At least not without the authorities getting involved. 

So while Abner keeps me on my toes and drives me closer and closer to the Garden Pavilion, Lilly moves from one couch to another day dreaming about dinner time and being a perfect lady.  Well, perfect  if you discount the whole trying to eat the mail man thing.

Basically what I'm trying to say is that while Abner gets a lot more face time on here, Lilly is equally loved in real life.  WHAT, the internet isn't real life?  But I just read an article that said....

Lilly is the kind of dog that knows what you are thinking before you do.  She knows when you are sick or sad or mad or just needing to hug a giant dog.  She is wise beyond her years, dramatic beyond what ANY dog should be and just quirky enough to fit right into our family.  

She refuses to step on wet grass or even touch the grass in our backyard, but she will run through wet grass after a good rain IF it is in an open field.  She licks her feet incessantly, thinks her collar weighs 200 pounds if it is crooked, and rolls her eyes at "those" dogs.  You know, the ones having fun.  How dare they!

Lilly is the kind of dog that novelists and poets write about, life altering.  She makes people who hate dogs want to go out and get one. She sits in the wing back chair sipping a manhattan, reading The Sun Also Rises while Abner, well he just licked up the pile of dirt I swept from the kitchen floor. 

Years ago when Ryan and I first started dating and Lilly still hated me (I say still as though she loves me now but I'm pretty sure if Abner and I disappeared she would be the last one looking) I noticed that the tag on her collar stated her name as Lilly, not Lily as the flower is actually spelled.  When I asked him why she had two l's in her name Ryan just looked at her, looked at me and simply said, "because she is so pretty."

And she absolutely is.

Monday, September 13, 2010

If I were a boy...

No, I'm not going to sing the song, though I do LOVE that song.  I know you know that I love it and sing it at inappropriate times, but I can't help it, it's catchy.  Quite possibly the worst lyrics I have ever sang ("if I were a boy, I'd turn off my phone, tell everyone it's broken, so they'd think that I was sleeping alone" Yeah, WORST LYRICS EVER) but don't worry, I change it up and sing my own lyrics.

Anyway, that is totally not what this post is about.  This post is about if I were a boy I would be offended daily.  Not by my wife nagging me not to spill my beer (who does that!?) but by television shows AND commercials.

I am constantly complaining to Ryan about it.  I'm like babe, aren't you offended by this purex laundry sheet bull shit?  They are basically calling all men idiots, that means YOU!  Sometimes he agrees or plays along and other times I'm talking to a glassy eyed maniquen.  Hello, earth to Ryan, offensive commercial.

Problem is I find most all television comercials offensive, stupid and annoying and probably spend 10 minutes of each 30 minute show complaining about a vairety of topics like NO, MCDOLANDLS DOES NOT BRING A FAMILY TOGETHER or NO, I'M PRETTY SURE MEN KNOW HOW TO WIPE UP A FUCKING SPILL OFF OF THE COUNTER or REALLY, YOU CAN'T CUT UP A PEACH?  YOU HAVE TO BUY PRE-CUT PEACHES, YOU ARE 30 YEARS OLD, CUT UP YOUR OWN FRUIT! 

This is probably why he ignores me half of the time because, well, I'd ignore me too.  But in all honesty it does bother me and I'm sure I'm not the only one.  Pay attention tonight while watching your favorite show and see how many times during the show and/or the commercials men are made to look like blabbering idiots. 

I guess the real reason it bothers me is because men are NOT idiots and are quite capable of many things that women and society do not give them credit for.  For example, I'm pretty sure a man knows how to wipe up the counter if he makes a mess.  But if you watch most cleaning product commercials it is the man making the mess and the woman coming home and sighing a cute little sigh and then she cleans it up with her magic chemical potion and paper towel and then the world is right again and everyone can run out to Golden Corral and have all you can eat BBQ Ribs and cornbread. 


Also, why do most sitcoms cast beautiful, smart, physically fit women and have them married to fat, lazy idiotic men?  Is this funny?  Did someone once say let's try the combination and it worked and now it is written in some sort of sitcom manual that in order to have a successful sitcom the woman must be beautiful and the man fat and/or stupid? 

Just curious.

Men out there, you are not stupid and if you are pretending because society says it's OK, STOP IT. 

Women, men are not stupid, make them aware of that and remind them not to spill their beer, they love that sort of thing. 

Sunday, September 12, 2010


I was going through my pictures recently and came across this shot of Abner that my friend Suzanne took.  I immediately noticed it because, hey, IT IS ACTUALLY GOOD QUALITY and not taken with either my crappy old digital that "sometimes works" or my iphone. 

Thanks Suzie

Friday, September 10, 2010

Like a kid in a candy store

I know it is September, but I am going to get caught up on my August posts because I was brain dead in August, remember.  Anyway, aside from the emotional ups and downs there were some good times. One of them was the Giants game we attended. 

Up until about 2 years ago my husband did not watch baseball on television unless it was some sort of special event.  In fact, he probably didn't even watch those.   I imagine he couldn't have named 3 players on the Giants if his life depended on it.  Then I ripped him away form his friends and family and boredom drove him to start watching baseball. 

Guess what, he likes it.  I'm not going to say that he is some sort of overnight super fan, but you might catch him wearing a SF hat and shooting the shit about the game in the grocery store with fellow fans.  Aww, so cute. 

Well, we talked about going to a game last year and it just didn't work out with all the wedding "to-do's," so this year we made sure to go.  We tried to get tickets to the Boston/Giants game with friends but that didn't work out.  Then we tried to go to an afternoon game on a whim and that didn't work out.

Finally someone with a plan and access to tickets (thanks Shannon) got our asses in gear to choose a date.  The date was set and there was a rumor that we had great seats.  Awesome, I can't wait, I love baseball and 10 dollar beers!

Ryan and Shannon got the ballpark long before I and after denying the Jerry Garcia bobble head because, "my wife doesn't like clutter,"  they wandered about and found their seats.  2 rows from home plate.

Let me say that again, TWO ROWS FROM HOME PLATE.  Even to someone who doesn't like baseball that is amazing.  You literally feel like you are on the field involved in the game.  You are so close you can hear the players drop the F-bomb when they strike out! 

Tons of people texted me saying that they saw me on TV and then Ryan yelled at me because I texted back and I always yell at people on TV for texting during a game.  I'm like what, are you bored, why are you on your phone, you paid good money for those seats!  Yep, I'm a hypocrite.  I was also made aware that it was possible for me to be filmed eating so I was careful to chew with my mouth closed.  Your welcome, mom. 

The game was so much fun. 12 innings, one piece of pizza, 3 beers, a Ghiradelli chocolate sunday and about 200 dollars later we left, all smiles.  It was so fun to see Ryan at his first major league baseball game.  He and the 9 year old kid a few rows over had the same look on their face the entire time.  A look similar to the one I would make if Ben and Jerry were like, "Hey Anne, our ice cream is now calorie free." 

Pure joy

P.S I found out after the game that the amazing seats we had were actually a special treat from a very special lady.   THANKS SO MUCH!

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Did someone say nap time?

I often catch Abner falling asleep sitting up; his head to heavy to hold and his eyelids fighting to stay open.  I used to think it was cute.  Used to...

Not today,  today I want to poke him and in an extremely condescending voice say, "Oh poor baby.  Didn't you get your 18 hours of sleep?  Your life must be SOO HARD!  All that sleeping and eating and pooping must really must take it out of you.  YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT TIRED IS KID!  Not only do you get to sleep all day but your snoring keeps me up at night making me want to plug your nose and drag your bed down the hall.  If you nod off one more time I'm quitting my job and feeding you Alpo.  That will teach you!"

To be honest I have ranted at him before, Lilly too.  They just look at me with glazed over eyes  (I'm pretty sure Lilly rolls hers) and yawn.  "Mom is crazy....zzzzzzzz."

Oh to be a dog

Friday, September 3, 2010

Fruit of his labor

As you know, Ryan's garden is in full swing with zucchini and I am pleased to report that with the heat we have been having, the tomatoes are getting plump and red.

Most people would use the zucchini for healthy dishes like salad.  Not me, I like carbs!

Today I made a zucchini cake with glorious cream cheese frosting.  As you can see I saved a piece without frosting just in case Ryan wants to try it.  He probably won't, "be in the mood" or he, "won't care for any, thank you" but I still save a piece because I am just that nice.

Really I'm just slowing trying to convert him to eat sweets so I can make MORE and eat MORE and not feel guilty because I AM THE ONLY ONE EATING THEM!


Abandoned Blog?


I apologize AGAIN for being a slacker and not posting lately.  I honestly love writing/venting and sharing my life with whoever reads this word vomit I call a blog.  This is a place I come to relax, regroup and rehash my days; then why hardly any posts all of August?

It has been a LONG MONTH

You know that old saying, "Sometimes you're the windshield, sometimes you're the bug."  Well you might want to check your windshield.  There is a large possibility that I'm squished on there with one wing flapping in the breeze.

For various reasons, some of which I will discuss later and some private, I have been left physically and emotionally DRAINED most of this month.  So drained that my usual sarcasm and energy for this blog are rotting on the grill of a Ford truck somewhere between here and San Francisco.

Things have happened this month that I NEVER saw coming and others that were faltering and have finally come to a head.  I feel a sense of calm mixed with the feeling that I am a piece of meat ten starving dogs are fighting over, pulling me in ten different directions, all needing a piece. 

My patience has been tried, my heart overwhelmed and my brain, well, I'm not even sure it is working to be honest.

In the storm of all this, I have had one constant pillar of strength, love and encouragement.  I never knew love like this existed before I met my husband.

I don't have to words (remember the absent brain) to describe what he means to me but it is something similar to nearly dying of dehydration and being greeted at the door with a pitcher of room temperature water and a gallon of ice cream.

Ryan Nessier, you are my room temperature water, my ice cream, my love