Showing posts from 2014

Arlowe Jean Nessier

Born April 21, 2014

It toke me six months and one day to write this
I didn't proofread or edit because
that would have taken another month...
My due date was April 17th, but I knew all along that she would come later.  I was uncomfortable and crampy for a few nights before, and could have sworn I was in labor Friday, the 19th, but when I woke up and peed my contractions stopped.  Probably should have removed the toddlers legs from my belly and peed at 1am instead of waiting until 6am...hindsight.
It was the Saturday before Easter and I there were no signs of baby other than the fact that I didn't want her to come that night which in my head meant that she was totally coming that night.  Because you can absolutely tell babies when to be born, right!  The only reason I didn't want her to come during the night was because Caches was excited for the Easter Bunny to eat the carrots he left out and get a basket and I so badly wanted to see his face light up.  I didn't care …

The only one who wants a nap around here is me!

I wish my kids didn't need to nap!  There, I said it, and I absolutely mean it!  I know, I know... Don't say it, don't even say it.  Your kid takes amazing naps.  You love it and you never want them to stop napping!  They napped until they were five years old!  They pass right out in the car and sleep while you drive.  They nap in the stroller while you jog or sip hot coffee.  You use that time to work out or make dinner or save puppies and woodland creatures.  You get a few blissful hours every single day without your children.  Good for you.  I hope your kid does nap until he is five.  And I'm not even being sarcastic right now!  Shocking, I know.

I might be alone here, but I hate naps.  I know if my kids were good nappers I'd be on the other side, but my kids suck at sleeping.  They do.  They excel at many things, but resting the body and closing the eyes, BIG FAT FUCKING F!  The amount of work and stress that goes into getting a measly 30 minutes out of them ju…

All the feelings...

I knew it would be a difficult adjustment bringing home a new baby.  I knew Caches would have an emotional time sharing me with his baby sister.  We have a special thing between us, he and I.  I knew I was going to be mentally and physically exhausted.  What I didn't know was just how much he would struggle, how much I would struggle, or how very empowering that struggle would be for the both of us.

When Arlowe first came home form the hospital, Ryan was home, so managing two kids, one who slept most of the day, was fairly doable.  Caches was feeling things out and I was slowly learning how to balance the needs of two tiny people.  Cache would want me to put Arlowe down and hold him and I would. Arlowe would need to nurse and Ryan would take Caches out to do something fun or play in the other room.  It was going fairly well, but I knew that it wouldn't always be like this.

At some point the reality of it all was going to hit him.  Was going to hit me!  There was going to come …

Full of shit...


You know those air plants that they sell at Home Depot?  They are pretty and whimsical looking, but for some reason they always adorn them with brightly colored parrots and affix a magnet so you can hang them on your refrigerator.  Because who doesn't want a plant that lives off of air alone hanging out on their refrigerator door mocking them every time, 23 to be exact, that they open it up and take a bite of leftover cake.  Or is that just me?  Anyway, these plants live off of air, and so does my son.

Of course not 100% air, that would be crazy!  He also chugs a few small glasses of whole raw milk (yay!) some nuts (yay!) and a tiny bit of ice cream (yay?), his treat before bed, pretty much every day.  These are the only things he will eat without fail. Sometimes he will snack on a carrot, a cracker, a handful of granola eaten off the kitchen floor like the dogs, the ONE PERFECT bite of MY food that I was saving for last, fruit snacks, an apple, or some cheese, but thes…

3 Years Old

Caches Michael,

It was three years ago today that at 3:36pm, Jeff Buckley sang Hallelujah and you drew your first breath earth side.  We have been talking about your birthday coming up for a few weeks now and you are getting excited.  We have talked about the number three, about when you were a baby, practiced how to hold up three fingers, and gotten excited about presents, but all you really care about is a cake.  Any time we talk about someones birthday, this is your chief concern, and I can't really blame you!  "Yay, it's Lilly's birthday!"   And you're like, that's cute and all, but will we have cake?  "Mommy, when is your birthday?  Will there be cake?"  And not just any cake will do for your third birthday.  No, you want a cake pop, specifically a pink one with white sprinkles from "the store" because, oh I don't know, maybe eight months ago, your grandparents brought one for you and you remember eating it.  Caches, you remem…

The night shift

An average night at my house from 7:00 PM until 7:00 AM...want to visit?

7:00 PM
Caches takes a bath, brushes teeth and puts on lotion.  We read stories, give hugs and kisses to every human and animal in the house, drink water, nurse (yes, still doing that), tell two stories that are wildly creative really silly that I have to make up, tell the story about the magic horse, rock in the rocking chair for the count of twinkle twinkle, lay in bed and rub Caches' back while he falls asleep.  Get up to pee, he squeezes out one drop.  Back to bed.  Get up to poop, he FORCES out a tiny nugget.  Back to bed. While nearly rubbing the skin off of my arm and fluffing his blonde curls in my face, he sleeps.  Marvel at how beautiful a sleeping child is and feel my love for him overflow, they are always cutest when sleeping.

8:30 PM Walk out hoping Ryan got Arlowe to sleep.  If he didn't, give Ryan a break and nurse//bounce/beg her to sleep.  Once she is in a deep sleep transfer her to a flu…

A blessed day

This Mother's Day I am blessed beyond measure.  So much so that I don't have the free hands or time to write about how much it means to me that I have the honor of being called, "mama."

Here are a few past posts that I have written about moms, enjoy

2012 Thank You!

2011 The Kindness of Strangers

2010 An Ode to Moms

Happy Mother's Day to all of you who read this blog, moms or not, I love you all!



Arlowe Jean Nessier
Born April 21, at 1:34am

She was 7lb 11oz and 20 inches long
I'm working on a more detailed birth story, but I can tell you that it was amazing, and so is she.  

Babies are here!

Chickens that is, the human is still incubating...

I've wanted chickens for the longest time, but after talking it over with Ryan we decided against it.  Well, he decided against it and I was like okay buddy, but one day I will convince you otherwise.  And that day was just before Christmas this year.

Because every girl's dream Christmas gift from her husband is a chicken coop, right?!

The coop was assembled and the chicken run secured months ago, but the babies would have to wait.  You see, I ordered specific breeds from a reputable online hatchery and because I only wanted three, I had to wait for the weather to warm up before they could ship them out.  So yes, I knowingly placed my order for baby chicks to arrive exactly one week before my due date.  Because why not invite even more chaos into my home?

Well, they have arrive, and...they hatchery sent the wrong chicks.  Yeah, I spent hours researching the best breeds for egg production, friendliness with humans and other c…

39 Weeks

Today marks 39 weeks pregnant, or as I like to call it, so pregnant that one no longer simply sits down, one plops down.  Between the hours of 7am and 7pm I am feeling great, all things considered.  I have random uncomfortable contractions and brutal bladder assaults, but all and all not bad.  I am one of those annoying people who thinks babies shouldn't be rushed unless absolutely medically necessary, so I try to just go with it and know that she will come when she is ready.

But between the hours of 9pm and 6am I am feeling like complete shit.  I can't get comfortable, hips burning, legs cramping, up to pee, up to rub Caches' back, up to move so I can breathe, up because my arm is numb, up because I'm being slapped in the face by a toddler, up, up, up!  I haven't slept in 3 years so this is nothing new, it's the pain in my hips this time that is brutal.  By 1am every night I'm like fuck this whole babies come when they are meant to bullshit, you need to c…

An open letter

If you will be offended or upset by my stance on punishment for children, I have strong feelings against it,  then this is probably a post you should skip.  

To all the people on Facebook and other various social media outlets who are scared of a world where the adults weren't hit as children and were given acknowledgement for only participating, I have good news for you.  You are not now and will likely never live in a world where this is happening!  There, feel better now?

Yep, have no fear, there is still an astonishing rate of parents who are hitting their kids as a form of punishment.  I won't even use the word spanking because it is a bullshit, "nice" way of saying hitting.  Let's call it what it is, shall we.  So go ahead and mark this fear off of your list, because the, "problem with kids today" certainly isn't that they aren't being punished enough.

I happen to believe it is the exact opposite that is causing the problem...

You want t…


Dear dad of three daughters at Target today,

You didn't know I was listening.  You had what looked to be a newborn, a two year old and a four year old in tow, a cart full to say the least.  You were walking down the baby bottle aisle and stopped beside me to pick out breast pads for your wife.  As you were trying to read labels, your younger toddler began to ask question about what you were buying.  Why did you need them?  How they would be used?  Could she have some?  Where was mommy?  Could she have a snack?  What are you doing daddy?  Why?  Buy why?  Why?

My own son was at home, but the moment she spoke that three letter word, why, I was transported to his side.  You see, I have a very curious toddler as well.  Hundreds of questions are asked of me each and every day, often the same question over and over until my brain wants to explode.  I know it can be exhausting, I know it can be frustrating.  I know the temptation of reciting pack, "because I said so." or, "…


Other than the adjustment of a new baby in the house there is not a whole lot I am nervous about.  I have a wonderful support team for the birth, an awesome family to help at home and zero expectations for the daily aside from coffee, I'll need coffee.  But there is one thing I am so scared of that it gives me the chills even bringing it up.

It's not something that most women even think about when adding a new baby to the family, but it is huge for me, HUGE.  What I am most scared of, terrified really, is that I will get another screamer.  I can't do that again, I can't.  Obviously if I have to I will, but seriously, I can't!

There are not even adequate words in the English language to describe how awful it was listening to a baby scream all day and night.  There are few people who have even experienced it to the same degree and the only other person I know who has is as traumatized about it as I am.  It is just not something you could even try to relate to unles…

Even though you can not yet read, my love

Caches Michael,

You are now two years and eight months old  That is 32 months, approximately 775 days that I have spent in your presence.  I glanced at a picture of you as an infant a few days ago and it took my breath away, where did that baby go?  What happened to my tiny, screaming, helpless babe?  I'll tell you what happened, what is happening...

You are growing, you are changing, you are learning, and you are becoming more amazing every single day.   Just today we were driving and I nearly had to pinch myself.  That voice, those thoughts, your imagination.  All the words stringing together, forming sentences, sharing ideas.  I remember wondering when you would talk,  now I have a hard time remembering a time that you didn't.  That's the thing about growing up, it is such a gradual process that you don't notice it is happening until it is done!

Sometimes I watch you navigate the world and I am overcome with how big you seem.  You can jump, climb and run.  You can c…

Our days are numbered

I lay down on your floor bed with a deep sigh.  It is nap time and I am exhausted, you, of course, are not.  Your strong arms flail about, fingers scratching at my neck, your legs tuck and stretch.  "I not tired." But I know you are.  Finally still, you curl up next to me with your knees to your chest, legs resting on my belly.  You used to fit so perfectly into the crook of my body.  We both have grown. You relax and just when I breath a sigh of relief, a dance part erupts from inside.  "Sister is kicking me, mommy!"  Indeed she is.

And so we lay there intertwined as a flood of mixed emotions wash over my body.  I will only be pregnant for a few more weeks.  The times in which I will get to feel a baby move inside of me are limited.  Part of me never wants it to end.  I will only be pregnant for a few more weeks.  The days in which I am able to lay with you alone and quiet are numbered.  It will never be the same.  Part of me never wants it to end.

Holding you qui…

34 Weeks

It is hard to believe that we only have 6 weeks, give or take, but let's be real here, probably take, to go.

I am feeling huge and blobby, not unlike the Pillsbury dough boy only far less flexible.  I have taken to blaming everything on the pregnancy because, well, because I can.  I have also officially reached the stage in pregnancy when if I bend over too sharply one of two things happen.  Either the contents of my stomach end up in my throat, or I get winded, it's awesome.

Speaking of winded, there were recently some changes made to our sleeping arrangements due to the fact that Caches was cutting off my already limited air supply.  I'd  literally wake up in the middle of the night gasping for air and feeling light headed.  This type of thing happens when your lungs are pushed up into your throat by a baby and then those already squished lungs are laid upon by a toddler.

It was an interesting process, trying to get him to sleep next to me rather than on top of me, an…

Where is my fast forward button

I hate today.  Today sucks.  I have a bad attitude.  I have no sense of humor though I could really use it.  Things that ordinarily wouldn't bother me are weighing me down.  I want to curl up in a ball and just be alone.  Today the endless needs of the toddler while typically at least somewhat amusing are quite honestly pissing me off.  I want to yell.  I want to cry.  I hate today.

Today my unorganized cabinets are mocking me.  I tried to clean one out which led to Caches needing to sample every food item and request umpteen different meals, and each one denied led to tears.  Today I just want to clean my fucking cabinet.

Today the smoothie spilled on the counter, all over the child, down the cabinet doors, onto the chair and finally the floor didn't make me take a deep breath and say, "Oh well, let's clean it up."  Today it made me cry, it made me angry.  And though I know a giant puddle of smoothie on the floor looks like a lot of fun, I found zero humor in bo…

Send me this letter in 10 years...


Today is one of those days that I am both in awe and complete panic over being your mother.  While it is a beautiful blessing, it is also a terrifying amount of responsibility.  Sure, right now my biggest worries are temper tantrums and keeping you alive as your try to climb all the things, but I know that as you grow so too will our conflicts.  Right now you are with me 24 hours a day and you get upset because I won't let you eat an entire stick of frozen butter.  You don't understand why.  Soon you will be away from me more hours than you are with me.  Soon you will be upset because I won't let you go out on Thursday night with your friends.  You won't understand why.  I know our journey has just begun...

Sometimes when you are playing quietly or drifting off to sleep I take a moment to wonder about who you will become.  Will you always be so intense and busy or will you calm with age?  When will your brilliant blonde hair fade and thicken?  Will you want a purp…

Oh sweet, mind numbing toddler "logic"

I buy sprouted wheat bread from Trader Joe's, but I don't go through it very quickly so I keep the loaf in the freezer and just take out one slice at a time as needed.   It goes directly into the toaster so, no biggie that it is frozen.  Anyway, I typically just have the one loaf in the freezer, but I was ahead of the game for once in two and a half years and bought a new loaf when I still had a few slices left.  I put the mostly eaten loaf in the fridge and the new loaf in the freezer.

Are you still with me?  Really, you are?  Okay, I promise I am going somewhere with this.

The other morning Caches wanted a piece of toast with butter and jelly on it.  Fine.   I grabbed a slice of my almost finished loaf in the fridge and before I even had it out of the bag he protested loudly!  "I no like that one, mommy!  I need it really cold!"  He then proceeded to open the freezer, "I need that one!"  Okay, so he wants the bread from the freezer because we typically …


The past few days I have been working on a long, hearfelt blog about young children saying, "please," "thank you," "I'm sorry," and sharing and I was nearly done, but when I came back to edit it today it was gone.  I could be pissed off, I really am.  I could cry, I kind of want to.  But I'm going to just let it go into the internet graveyard with other posts of mine that were not properly saved before my computer decided to "back" itself up.  What about my words, computer!?  Forget something!?  Sigh, it's par for my day thus far that's for sure. 

Can I go back to bed now?   Damn

Anyway, if you are interested in my opinion on the matter, just ask me in person or message me and I'll be happy to tell you in words that can't be lost forever in bullshit internet land!!  I'm not mad, I'm not mad.... So as it is,  you don't have to read my ranting and raving about things like "manners" and you can just enj…

28 Weeks

Remember when I said I was going to post pregnancy updates and pictures every few weeks like I did with Cache?  Yeah, apparently I actually meant every 10 weeks.  Oops...

Everything pregnancy related is going fine, and other than a brief hospital stay due to a kidney infection that presented itself like pre-term labor it is fairly routine around here.  I feel HUGE, MASSIVE, like I swallowed a 20lb bowling ball.  In the morning it isn't bad, but by the evening, like right now, it is a little ridiculous.  I don't remember feeling like this ever when I was pregnant with Caches.  Oh well, mark it down as one more way this pregnancy is different than the last.

Another difference is the movement.  I remember feeling Caches move every day, but nothing like this.  This kid is out of control.  At 28 weeks she still flips back and forth from breech to head down frequently and I can literally feel her squirming all over the place.  Huge, hard kicks and jabs that just didn't really ha…

Worth a thousand words, or simply a memory in your mind

I miss writing.  I miss having quiet opportunities each day to jot down silly happenings and little rants.  I miss the over sharing, the offending, and the venting, but I have stopped beating myself up about it.  I used to get really upset that I didn't write for a week or that I couldn't get my thoughts together when I actually had a moment to do so.  And while I have stopped the upset, I still miss it.

So many nights I sit, rocking in the still of the night with a finally sleeping boy, blog posts and interesting ideas dancing in my head almost writing themselves.  But as soon as I emerge from the darkness of his room into the light of the kitchen, my eyes squint, ideas float away and the only thing I can think about is getting an hour of sleep to myself before he awakens again.

So no, I haven't shared the silly bulldog vomiting story, or our Christmas adventures, or developmental milestones, struggles or joys.  I haven't completed the letter I started writing for C…