Even though you can not yet read, my love

Caches Michael,

You are now two years and eight months old  That is 32 months, approximately 775 days that I have spent in your presence.  I glanced at a picture of you as an infant a few days ago and it took my breath away, where did that baby go?  What happened to my tiny, screaming, helpless babe?  I'll tell you what happened, what is happening...

You are growing, you are changing, you are learning, and you are becoming more amazing every single day.   Just today we were driving and I nearly had to pinch myself.  That voice, those thoughts, your imagination.  All the words stringing together, forming sentences, sharing ideas.  I remember wondering when you would talk,  now I have a hard time remembering a time that you didn't.  That's the thing about growing up, it is such a gradual process that you don't notice it is happening until it is done!

Sometimes I watch you navigate the world and I am overcome with how big you seem.  You can jump, climb and run.  You can create and manipulate and figure things out.  Your imagination is running wild!  But just as quickly I am reminded that you are still so little, so fragile.  You are still learning, son.  You run off to explore, fiercely independent and strong willed.  I let you go.  But when the world gets to be too much you come back to me.  I hope you always come back.

Caches, it has always been just you and me, me and you.  We have spent every single day since the one you were born together, not one single night apart.  You have been my everything, and while you will always be, things are about to change.  You happily talk to your baby sister in my belly, unaware of what it really means to become a big brother.  You often have a tiger in your belly and daddy usually has a peacock.  You are so innocent, you have no idea the magnitude of welcoming a new baby into your home; neither do I.

I do not yet know how you will react to a new life attached to me, taking up "your spot" on my chest, occupying my arms that were once only for you.  I do not know if you will want to help and be involved or if you will want your space to figure things out.  Will you be angry with me?  There are a lot of things that I don't know, son.  For one, how will I do it?  How will I find the time, the energy to be everything that everyone needs all at once?  How will I let you know that you are still loved while loving another as strongly?  How?

To be completely honest, I have no idea.  I can sit here and say that I will spend X amount of time with you alone every day, or that things won't be too hard, but I decided a long time ago not set any expectations about how things would be.  I thought I knew how it would be when you were born, at least a vague idea, but I was wrong, oh man was I wrong.  I don't want to be wrong again.  I don't want to have to undo expectations in order to let new ones in,  I want to go into this with an open mind; will you come with me?

I can try to tell myself that you will understand, that you will love your sister and will want her to be a part of this family, but I know that you won't, at least not for a little while.  For a time, son, your world, our world will be turned completely upside down.  There will be no going back, no reliving the old days, only new routines, new sounds, new experiences and new love.  And while I am absolutely terrified, I know we can do it.  We have made it through so much already, we can do this, together!

Caches, you taught me how to be a mommy, everything I am is because of you.  I never knew how strong I was, how amazing my body was or that I could survive on coffee alone until you.  You have taught me the true meaning of perseverance, patience and to always trust my instincts.  You taught me that there is no limit to the love one can have for another.  A love that I will not be sharing with your sister, we will have our own unique love that will grow with time.  My love for you is yours alone.  I have learned so much from you over these past few years, things that your sister will surely benefit from.  She doesn't know this yet, but she is one lucky girl to get you for a big brother.

I know it is going to be hard, it is going to be more than hard, but having a sibling is the most amazing gift I could ever give you.  The opportunity to be a big brother, to have someone to share your life with and hopefully love long after I am gone.  Someone to roll your eyes with when I am  in a mood, someone to get into trouble with, someone to talk to in the middle of the night who know exactly what you are saying.  Someone who will go through everything along side you and will be able to build you up when you are down.

Caches, this is going to be a journey of a lifetime.  There will be good days and bad, tears and strong feelings of anger, frustration, and rejection.  There will be joy, exhaustion, newness and pride. And as always. there will be love, there will always be love.

We can do this,
Mama <3 p="">

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