Showing posts from May, 2011

Is There an App for That?

Ah convenience, we all love it don't we?  Who doesn't like to "one stop shop" or "just sit back and watch" but lately I am becoming a bit concerned with Americas love for convenience.  I mean I get the convenience store where you can buy milk, lottery tickets, candy bars and a Playboy all in one stop, but I don't get the ever increasing desire to have to do absolutely NOTHING. 

You could literally find "convenience" items for everything these days (wow, someone is sounding old).  Walk into the grocery store (notice the automatic doors that open to welcome you) and you enter a sea of pre-washed, pre-cut,  pre-packaged foods all making it "easier" to cook.  Those that want to do even less are provided with aisles of already pre-cooked convenience meals, and those that want to do even less work, hey there is always a McDonalds on the way home. 

And once home you need not worry about lifting a finger. You can buy automatic shower clean…

36 Weeks

Here is the belly at 36 weeks I can't believe we are less than a month away from meeting "it"

The Reward

Ryan spends A LOT of time working his ass off in our garden.   Because we live here and see it every day,  Sometimes we forget how far it has come. 
I get giddy just thinking about plucking sweet raspberreis from the bush. Meanwhile, notice my serious man hands!
These are a special variety of lemon that has striped peel and pink flesh! For a minute I was like, is this where pink lemonade comes from? Then I thought about how stupid that was and didn't ask
Can't eat this, but is sure is pretty
Our yard is becomming such a beautiful place to hang out.   Soon I will post pictures of it before and after. You'll want to send Ryan a back brace and Advil when you see!

A Slow Down

Last Thursday Abner tweaked his back again and was in a lot of pain; so was I.  I am telling you it is pure torture to watch an animal in pain knowing there is nothing you can do to quell it, TORTURE!  I'd tell all my secrets, give up all my money, let Ryan tap his pen AND leave smudge marks on the fridge if I never had to see it again.  I am just not cut out to handle this kind of thing. 

So why the hell am I having a baby!?!?

He didn't respond as quickly to the pain medication and muscle relaxers this time due to his body building a bit of tolerance so by Sunday I was ready to close my puffy eyes, pull my hair out and retreat somewhere, anywhere but here.  It was that painfully long Sunday that I found myself thinking a lot about how I would deal with a sick or  injured child.  After a lot of thought I came a conclusion; I wouldn't.

I would be the WORST.  Well, not the worst because I can put on a poker face and tell them that everything is going to be alright but inside…


I don't know if people lack a sense of humor or if they just don't understand mine, but I have had a few good one liners lately that were met with blank stares.  Here are a few examples

1. The other night I wanted phish food ice cream and told Ryan that I was going to the store if he wanted anything.  He asked that I pick up some beer.  No problem.

At the checkout I presented my two items and stepped aside.  The cashier looked me up and down, looked at my items and said, "interesting combo." "Yeah, the ice cream is for my husband," I responded.  He just stared blankly at me for a moment and rang me up.

Part of me wanted to explain the joke but as you all know once you have to explain a joke it is lost anyway.

2. I took Lilly to the vet a few weeks ago for her annual exam and was met with a barrage of questions.  What does she eat?  How much time does she spend outside?  Does she lick her feet?  Do we give her treats?  Is she on flea medication?  Does she h…

Give Him a Quarter

...and he'll sing you a song
Someone got a ukulele for their birthday 
And as you can see, he has a captive audience in our dogs
Upon receiving this gift, Ryan spent a good 2 hours plucking strings, singing songs about nonsense and walking around making a lot of noise.  You know, a typical morning.   "I'm going to drive you crazy with this aren't I?"
"Aren't I implies that you haven't already."
I knew what I was getting myself into when I bought it for him, but he does have rhythm and soon I'm sure he will have a song.

Let's Trade

So far I have had a very easy pregnancy.  I honestly have nothing to complain about but I'm not going to let that stop me, not today.  I'd say that out of the almost 250 days that I have been pregnant only 10 have been shitty.  Today is shitty day #11, today I want to complain.  I want to WHINE!

Today I would gladly trade places with someone I don't like to have my old body back; even if only for a moment.  Today I am so OVER it.  My joints ache, my head hurts, the baby is in a very undesirable position and is rearranging my organs, I'm pretty sure I found a stretch mark on my boob, my dry skin is itchy,  my stomach is unsettled, I'm hungry but not at the same time, I should drink more water but it is really unappealing, my feet hurt, my brain is completely useless, I want to cry every five minutes and punch someone every 10 and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that all of this might have something to do with the fact that I haven't slept in 8 mo…

Ah Memories

Remember last week when I posted about bonding with Ryan while we had food poisoning and some of the funny memories we made?  Well, I thought I’d share one of my favorites. 

After being up all night and most of the day vomiting and having diarrhea, Ryan pokes his head out of my bathroom and asks me if I have any lotion.  I don’t think much of it and grumble to him that there is some under my sink. 
A few seconds later his head pokes out again only this time he is holding a bottle of lotion.  “This one?” he asks.  Mustering up the energy to open my eyes and look at him seemed like a lot of work, but I did it anyway. 
“What are you doing with that?”
“It’s lotion, right?”
“Yeah, self-tanning lotion.  Do you need some color on your legs while we die a slow painful death in bed?”
A horrified look comes over Ryan’s face as he tries to slink back into the bathroom.
“What were you going to do with that lotion?”
“Then why did you need lotion?”
Looong silence...
“I was going to put some on m…

Cobbler Time

Our peach tree is covered with babies,
And I can already smell the cobbler.

Defying Gravity

So I'm in the office checking email, minding my own business, when I hear the all to familiar sounds of Abner beginning a freak out session.  It starts with digging and barking and barking and barking and some more digging and barking.  I hope that if I ignore it he will go away, but I should know him better than that.  He NEVER goes away.
My ears are beginning to bleed from the incessant barking so I decide to walk into the bedroom and see what his malfunction is.  I figure he is either under the bed scratching the carpet and barking or on the chair scratching in the corner and barking but no, OH NO! He is in the baby's bassinet rolling around on his back scratching and you guessed it, barking!
He is pretty damn proud of himself and I am completely dumbfounded.  What the hell does he think he is doing? And more importantly, how the hell did he get his fat ass in there?  If you have ever seen a French Bulldog you know that they are short and stout, not exactly built fo…

34 Weeks

Ryan wanted his head in the shot for "scale"

Summer Bloom

A beautiful hibiscus popped up to say good morning, Summer is coming


Before I married Ryan I heard many bits of advice as to when I would know he was the one or what needed to happen in our relationship before we got engaged.  The two bits that stand out in my mind are: 1. See the person in each of the four seasons and 2. See the person with the flu. 

The first is particularly important for me because I do NOT keep well in the heat.  Think of me as the mayonnaise at a Summer picnic, I'm the first to spoil.  Lucky for Ryan he met me in the Summer, in Fresno, in 100+ heat.  He got to see the real me real fast, because nothing brings out the bitch in me like 100 degree heat.  I remember reassuring him that come Fall I would be much more pleasant to be around.  Unfortunately come Winter I'd probably complain about being cold and in the Spring I'd probably complain about the rain, so basically, enjoy me for the 3 months that I'm only kind of crazy. 

I think we all have a "best" season and therefore this is a good bit of advice fo…

They're Back

...said in an eerie tone. 

I know that is some infamous movie quote involving the return of some sort of monster, but that is not where I'm going with this; though I would prefer a monster in this case.  I'm talking about headaches.  I had bad headaches in the beginning of my pregnancy before I knew I was pregnant and thank god I'm not a pill popper or that embryo would have been lit up.  

I hate headaches.  To me a headache is the most debilitating form of pain and the special pregnancy headaches tend to linger.  I have had this one for over 24 hours.  It does letup a bit here and there, but most of the time I want to squeeze my temples or the back of my neck so hard that I'll leave fingerprints! 

Give me a backache, a sprain, a strain, a bump or a bruise, but please keep it out of my head.  My head is messed up enough as it is.  When I am in any other kind of pain I use my brain to ignore it, but when my brain is pulsating in a vice or being eaten alive by a swarm …

Kindness of Strangers

On Friday morning I walked the dogs to the bank to make a deposit at the ATM.  While processing my deposit, a woman came in behind me and of course was immediately under sniff interrogation by my dogs.  I tried to rope them in as best I could while apologizing for the noses in both her crotch and her toes.

She just smiled and assured me that they probably smelled her dogs and was perfectly fine with them sniffing.  I quickly finished my deposit and told her to have a nice day as I was walking toward the door.  She smiled at me and said, "You too, and Happy Mothers Day." 

I was completely caught off guard.  What?  Happy Mothers Day?  Oh my gosh, Happy Mothers Day!  She was the first person, besides my husband speaking through our dogs, to ever wish me a Happy Mothers Day.

Of course I teared up but thankfully the tears were concealed by my sunglasses and I pulled it together long enough to thank her and wish her the same...and then hope that she was a mother and I didnt' …

32 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

To those of you who are lucky enough to know my husband personally, this will simply be review.

Ryan is not the kind of guy you meet every day, he is a rare breed.  A true gentleman who opens doors not only for me, but for everyone.  He stops for stray dogs, respects his elders, remembers the little things that really matter, cries when he is truly touched,  goes out of his way for others, and loves his friends and family more than anything.  He is always honest, even when it hurts, closes the toilet seat most of the time, thanks me for doing mundane tasks such as mopping the floor and ironing his work shirts, and will stand up for the people he loves no matter what.

He is a kind and gentle man who is just rough enough around the edges.  And whether you call him Ryan, Rilo, brother, son, friend or family, consider yourself lucky. 

On May 7, 1979 the future love of my life was born.  Neither one of us knew it then, but he was destined to change my life.  Though I am still a cynical ki…

Riverside Picnic

On a sunny Saturday, a vacant calendar lead us to the river's edge

My Boys

Dozing off during a staring contest.  Does that mean he wins?

Does He Have A Mute Button?

The reality that I am going to be a mom in a few weeks is setting in more and more.  Emotions range from oh my gosh this is so exciting, I can't wait,  to scared out of my mind I can just be pregnant forever, right?  Yes, it's not the best look, but I don't have to suck in my stomach and I'm saving money on tampons.

There is the whole downside of not being able to have a cocktail and the issue of...I don't even like kids!

OK, that's a lie, I do like kids but I like them how I like the rain.  If I am going to be home all day and can bake some cookies and enjoy the cozy weather I'm happy, but if I have a million errands to run and feisty dogs that need walks then "rain, rain, go away" plays on repeat.  Basically I'm saying that I am completely selfish in my love of children.

See a cute baby in a stroller sleeping while mom is on a leisurely stroll.  Love it, can't wait.  See a kid screaming at Target because you won't buy him a Superma…

And Now To Piss People Off

I am not sure why, but I feel compelled to briefly share my opinion about the death of Osama Bin Laden and the way America has reacted.  Some will agree, some will strongly disagree but wherever you stand, perhaps for a moment you will ponder this.

Right now, thousands of Americans are celebrating the death of a man and what they believe it symbolizes.  Was he a good and decent man?  No, but he was a human being and I can't for the life of me imagine celebrating the death of another human being. 

Turning on the television and seeing the jubilation of the crowd does not evoke feelings of joy in my own heart.  What I feel is much more somber and reflective.  It never ceases to amaze me how well trained we are as a nation in our reactions.  When the blood is on our hands we rejoice but when the blood is on our soil we become enraged and peruse blind revenge, retaliation.  But how can we so mindlessly think that carrying out our own revenge will not be met with others searching for t…

32 Weeks

5 weeks to "full term," 8 weeks until this kid better vacate the premises

5 + 3 = 8

Her face may be turning gray, but her heart is pure gold
Happy Birthday Lilly

We love you even more than you love bacon