Thursday, October 27, 2011

Pull Your Skirt Down...Your OCD is Showing

When I started this blog just over 2 years ago it was going to be a kind of update center for family and friends that lived afar.  A few pictures and sentiments and that's it.  Needless to say it has morphed quite a bit over those 2 years and I hope to keep it going and changing for many years to come.  I mean the material with dogs ALONE gave me countless posts and now that there is a kid in the mix...endless material!

I flatter myself to think that even one third of my 29 "followers" regularly read this blog, really I do.  But 29 followers... not 28, not 30, but 29?  That is where the OCD starts oozing from my pores.  Every single time I log on to write or update I see that number and my eye starts to twitch.  I have even considered making a false email account and following myself just to make a damn round number. 

So, if anyone out there in cyberspace reads this...even if it is only every once and a while, please,  do a crazy, sleep deprived, cut finger, limping, eye twitching mess of a mother a favor and make me a nice round number.  My husband thanks you.  He hates when the eye starts twitching. 

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Is This Some Kind of Joke?

I am so tired that I don't even know how my fingers are tapping the keys right now.  Oh wait, they aren't!!  I have only typed one sentence and have already had to fix like 7 errors due to the fingers NOT working.  I also have a band aid on my middle finger from a blender incident, a wrap around my ankle from a falling off of the bouncy ball I spend 20 hours a day on incident, and the meanest set of raccoon eyes this side of Lindsay Lohan.

I am literally falling apart; my body is shutting down.  At first my body was like OK, cool, I like a challenge.  But now it's like fuck you crazy lady, I'm out.  White flag waving from its one good arm, hobbling down the hall like Quasimodo as I run after it begging it to bounce just one more time so the kid stops screaming.

It is torture.

Did you know that a person can actually die from lack of sleep and/or from their sleep being repeatedly interrupted never allowing deep sleep to set in?  DIE...DEAD...DONE!! Rats have actually been killed to prove this!!

Did I sign up for some sick science experiment that I was unaware of?  Did I forget to read the fine print on one of those forms at the hospital that I read oh so carefully?  Was there a clause that said sleep torture experiment candidate and in my groggy state I was like heck yeah, and checked the box?  I WANT TO UNCHECK MY BOX!!  Or at least can I change my mind and choose water torture instead of no sleep torture?  With water torture I have a chance of passing out or as I like to call it,  A NAP!!

This morning around 3:15 while I was giggling up and down the hall for the 50th time that night all I could imagine was 3 rats in little white lab coats looking at each other exclaiming, "WHY WON'T SHE DIE?"  "Wake up at least 5 more times tonight, Caches, we'll get her."

And I had to laugh.  I HAVE to laugh because If I didn't find at least a small amount of humor in the epically fucked up life I have right now the rats would win!!

Tuesday, October 25, 2011


The other morning I was attempting a word search on the back of my cereal box when Ryan came into the kitchen

"What are you doing?"

"A word search"

"Cool, I'm good at word searches"

"So am I.  And don't help, it's my therapy right now"

I feel him peeking over my shoulder and I sense that he has found a word that I'm looking for

"I said don't help"

"I'm not going to...I'm good at crossword puzzles too"

"Yeah, so am I.  If I know the answers to the questions"

"Um, yeah, that is kind of the whole idea.  If you know the answers then all it is is filling in letters"

"Well then I'm good at filling in the letters"

"I found one of your words..."

"Fuck off"

The love in this house first thing in the morning is so sweet

Sunday, October 23, 2011

16 Weeks

4 months old

I have decided that it is time to stop the weekly picture and do more of a monthly newsletter.  Not only because he is changing less drastically each week, but because there is nothing more annoying than asking someone how old their baby is and getting the reply, 27 weeks. 

Caches Michael,

Today, well, two days ago, you turned four months old.  Why two days late, mama?  Because you are still proving to be one of the most difficult human beings on the planet.  You don't like me to get any housework or errands done and think that the world revolves around you, and quite frankly, you are correct.  You are a tiny tornado.  A passionate, spirited individual who knows what you what when you want it and damn it we better deliver.  

You already are showing us your personality and maybe, just maybe, your sense of humor.  You have absolutely no patience or state control and go from happy bubbly baby to Freddy Crouger in a matter of 3 seconds.  Fortunately you are also starting to give more similes and will even squeal in delight.  When you smile baby, my whole heart shines.  
You have recently discovered that your hands can actually open and close by your command and seem pretty excited about this.  You grabbed for a toy for the first time a few days ago and the light in your eyes when you accomplished the grasp was intense. You have also started rolling over from your back to your belly and practice this any chance you get.  The determination and focus required to perform this seemily simple task blows my mind.  It reminds me how helpless and fragile you are.  How every day and every experience is new and complex for you.

You still LOTHE the car seat, kinda hate the stroller, and only tolerate the sling, but I see small improvements in all these areas.  I try to explain to you how much more fun we could have if you would just relax, but you are too determined to listen.  It's your way or the highway. 

You love the bath and have recently started to splash and play.  You also like to lay down and have little chats about the day.  Sometimes you babble back and other times you just like to listen.  Caches, you LOVE music.  Your dad plays all sorts of music for you and you just can't get enough.  Dance parties in the kitchen have become an almost daily activity
We are still working on getting your reflux under control and are finally seeing some improvement.  There just might be a light glowing at the end of this dark tunnel.  You currently sleep all night on my chest and still wake up at least 6-8 times a night.  Sometimes you want to eat, sometimes you just need to get comfortable and other times you just want to torture me.

And torture me you do.  I have always considered myself a reasonably patient person, but you are schooling me in ways I never could have imagined.  You bring a whole new level of patience to the table.  Every day I think I am at the end of my rope, but some how my rope just keeps growing and growing.  I guess that's what happens when you love someone. 

Some parents don't have to work very hard to get smiles from their babies, happiness comes easily.  And while I sometimes wish it was easier, the fact that you make it so hard almost makes it even sweeter.  Because I know when you flash that gorgeous smile with piercing blue eyes that you really, truly mean it.  Caches you have my whole heart.  Sometimes you have it in a crinkled up mess and other times you have it gleaming and immaculate, but you have it, forever.  




Thursday, October 20, 2011


Ryan fractured his foot and was supposed to keep off of it for at least a week and then take it easy for 4-6 weeks.

Looks like he's following Dr.'s orders


After snapping these incriminating photos I reminded Ryan that he wouldn't even let me walk around Target when I had a broken vagina but he thought it was appropriate to climb the fence and trim our tree with a broken foot?  Not smart buddy. 

*This happened like 2 months ago so don't send Ryan a get well soon card

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Part Deux

 *You can read part one here

We left off with me wanting desperately to fix my poor kid, and fix him I tried!!  I tried EVERYTHING!  Different feeding positions, different feeding techniques.  Gas drops, gripe water, chewing prunes 50 times, the swing, the happiest baby on the block book,  EVERY possible book!! Inside, outside, google fussy baby, google screaming baby, google I WANT TO DIE, BABY WON'T STOP SCREAMING, stand on my fucking head and clap my feet, but nothing seemed to help.  I gave up dairy, soy, peanuts and gluten.  Shit I even went on a total elimination diet and ate nothing but rice, squash, apples, pears, potatoes and chicken for 10 days.  Yes, you read that right, I ate CHICKEN for the first time in over 13 years and no, I did not like it thankyouverymuch. 

As you can imagine, after each failure I felt more and more like one myself.  I was incredibly discouraged and found myself wanting to cry all day long with the baby and there were days I did. 

I know I am rambling but I find it really hard to explain how it feels day in and day out.  Let me try to paint a picture.  Imagine you landed the job of a lifetime.  You are completely elated and can't wait to begin.  Sure it is going to be a challenge, but you are overjoyed.  The first few weeks start off kind of rough, but you expect that, you are just starting out, after all. 

Weeks pass and instead of getting easier your job is only getting harder.  More and more demands are being made on you and to make matter worse, your boss is a BITCH.  She calls you at all hours of night to yell at you and tell you what a shitty job you are doing and how you aren't meeting her needs. But at the end of each conversation, she sweetens up, smiles, and encourages you to try again tomorrow.

Day breaks and you wake up feeling positive.  Today I'm going to nail it!  Today my boss will be proud of me!  You take a deep breath and walk in.  Five minutes later your boss is already riding your ass.  What, you haven't had your morning coffee yet?  To bad, get to work.  You plug along trying to figure out how to please your boss.  You try everything, but every attempt is met with criticism and loud reprimand. There is just no pleasing this boss of yours!! 

At the end of a few weeks time you are over it, you want out.  You decide that you are going to quit your job and decide to have a talk with your boss about it.  You try to explain how hard you are working and how desperately you want to do a good job but for some reason you just aren't cut out to be her employee. You try to quit but guess what...YOU CAN'T QUIT...CAN'T. QUIT.  You have to get up and do it all over again...FOREVER. 

You try to talk to people about the struggle of your new job, but all they seem to do is reassure you that it is going to get better.  Of course you know that it is eventually going to get better, but when you are in it 24 hours a day their kind words only serve to MOCK YOU.

Is this giving you even the slightest idea?  I didn't think so...

So at this point we thought we were simply dealing with a high needs, colicky baby.  That this was something he would just outgrow.  We had no idea that he had something called silent reflux...the devil, the enemy. 

I had never even heard of reflux in infants but with all the googing I had been doing, it kept popping up.  Interested, I found myself reading more and more about it and the more I researched the more I thought it sounded like my baby. Gulping with a painful look on the face, wet sounding burps, frequent hiccups, sudden burst of painful crying, painful wake ups from sleep or poor sleeping habits, poor feeding habits, neck or back arching during or after feeding, excessive fussiness, crying or colic, demands to be carried constantly...this IS my baby. 

Armed with this new information, I made a doctors appointment for Caches to be checked out.  Big surprise, we have a pediatrician who is a little bit alternative with his medicine practice so he suggested we try a few homeopathic remedies before starting Caches on medication for the problem.  We tried, we failed, we still had a baby who was up all night and screaming all day. 

The next week I called my pediatrician again to explain that things were not improving and requested a referral to a pediatric gastroenterologist, but when I mentioned the problem the nurse explained to me how babies have more reflux these days due to toxins in our diet and suggested I give him some fennel tea and just sit and relax with him.  I SNAPPED...I totally lost my shit with this poor sweet hippie nurse.

Through tears I told her that I was aware that toxins were bad for baby but that we have next to NONE in our house, that I eat mostly organic, that I was not trying one more freaking kind of tea.  I also told her that I'd love to relax with my baby but I CAN'T SIT AND RELAX BECAUSE HE WILL NOT HOLD STILL!! HE IS FUCKING MISERABLE. 

For a moment I felt like Sally Field in Steel Magnolias.  JUST GIVE MY SON THE DRUGS!!!  She gave me the referral.

Long story short we saw the specialist and Caches was put on Zantac.  After about a week of no improvement he was switched to Prilosec and we are FINALLY seeing some improvement.  He has good days and bad days and so do I.  Sometimes I am positive and take it all in stride but there are days when I get so frustrated that could literally scream, and have.  Those are the days when the only thing keeping me from running away is the thought that in a few months I can eat ice cream and a real fucking cookie!!!

So where we stand I am still eating no dairy, soy, peanuts or gluten until his reflux is under control and he is still generally unpleasant, but compared to how he used to be we are leaps and bounds ahead. 

I should probably go back and edit this post, but I don't have the time and if I wait for time it won't get posted for another week so please excuse my writing as of late.  The baby ate my brain.  I am still hoping to get back into the swing of things and post more often and maybe, just maybe they will start making sense!!

Thanks for bearing with me...

Friday, October 14, 2011

15 Weeks

I'm getting SOOO big

 I'm holding my head up and looking all around...

 But my head is pretty heavy

Face plant!!

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Brace Face

A few evenings ago, Caches let me put him down for a few minutes so I ventured out of my cave into the front room to hang out with Ryan. We were catching up on the events if the day when he pauses and looks at me a bit sideways

"Are you wearing your retainers?"

"No, why?"

"Because you are slurring your words like crazy!"

"I'M TIRED!!!!"

"Well you sound drunk"

"I wish I was!!"

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

So, I'm a Liar


I know I promised that I'd write on Sunday, but somehow Sunday has turned into Wednesday and yet another task I promised myself I'd complete was left undone.

If you are a friend of mine, or even an online follower, you may be asking yourself where the hell did she go?  Or maybe you don't care or maybe you didn't even notice that I dropped off the face of the real world for a few months, but just in case you do care...I'm alive, well kind of. 

I REALLY wanted to chronicle my struggle with Caches as it was happening day by day, but days turned into weeks turned into months turned into October....what?  It is OCTOBER??? We had a Summer?  September happened this year??  TARGET STILL EXISTS??? HOLY SHIT!!!   

I am going to go back to the beginning and in a few different parts catch you up to where we currently stand.  So, now that we have established that I am kind of alive and will only kind of make sense, here we go. 

Act 1:

The first 6 weeks of Caches life were rough, but I would give my left big toe to have those "rough" weeks back.  From the moment he woke up, about 4 days after birth, Caches has been an extremely needy, fussy baby.  Want to take a drink of water?  Nope.  Eat breakfast?  Nope.  Go for a walk?  Nope.  Car ride?  Absolutely not.  Want to pee? Not that you'd have to because he won't let you drink water...but NO.  Basically he refused to be put down in ANYTHING and no, he doesn't like a car ride and yes, I have read The Happiest Baby on the Block and mine is still the GRUMPIEST!

Those first 6 weeks were filled with hours of screaming and crying but also a decent amount of sleep.  He would sleep in his bassinet from about 10pm until about 1:30am and then back down after nursing until about 4 when I would take him into bed with me until he woke around 7.  Of course I stayed up many a hour watching to make sure he was breathing, but I still got a decent amount of rest.  He also would nap in his swing for at least 30 minutes when he was really little giving me time to eat, wash dishes or stare at the wall. 

Then, at 6 weeks, 4 days he took a stand.  The screaming and crying all day got worse and he outright  refused to sleep in his bassinet, his swing or anything that was not upright on my chest.  What the hell is going on with my child?  I literally could not get anything done...I mean ANYTHING.  I think a lot of people assume I am exaggerating but I absolutely am not.  He fussed, cried or SCREAMED ALL DAY.  Even if he was being held he was not happy.  Shit, even if he was nursing he wasn't happy.  I had a miserable baby!!

Every day was a blur.  A mixed up whirlwind of emotional breakdowns and tears, smiles and glimmers of hope; I was on a  completely fucked up merry go round.  Up and down, up and down.  I tried to get out of the house at least once every day for a quick trip to the market or at least a walk, but even that was emotionally exhausting.  Screaming in the car, potential for screaming in the store and of course, if he was quiet, there was the lying.

I became a total pathological liar.  People would see me with the baby and want to oo and ahh over him,  it's just what people do.  They would gush about how lucky I am and isn't it just so wonderful to be a mother and aren't I so happy and of course, remember to enjoy every moment.  I found myself slapping on a fake smile and going along with their story all the while crying inside because I wasn't. 

I don't think I took a deep breath for 6 weeks straight...

Maybe there was something wrong with me.  Maybe I wasn't cut out to be a mother after all.  Was I failing at the job I had wanted my whole life?  I sure felt like I was.  There is nothing quite like listening to your helpless baby scream and not being able to fix it to crush your soul.

I just wanted to FIX IT!! 

*Act 2 coming soon...maybe tomorrow?!?!  Am I being optimistic...yes I am.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Smells Like Fall

Fall is among us...the trees are washed in color and there is a nip in the air;  I LOVE this season.  Not only does in contain both Halloween and Thanksgiving, but it gives me an excuse to eat PUMPKIN EVERYTHING!!  Pumpkin pie, pumpkin bread, pumpkin smoothies, pumpkin pancakes, pumpkin curry, pumpkin muffins, pumpkin till your skin turns orange!! 

This year all of the above recipes will need to be modified to gluten, soy and dairy free in order to accommodate my sidekicks tummy troubles, but I'm up for the challenge. 

Today we went to the pumpkin patch and collected a few decorative pumpkins and of course a few carving pumpkins.  Wonder what I'll carve this year...a bed?  A nice cozy bed that all I want to do is crawl into and sleep for one hundred eighty years!!! are a few pictures of our day.  Ryan promises to be on baby duty tomorrow so guess what...I'm actually going to WRITE!!  Yep, a real, live post...with words and perhaps, just perhaps coherent thoughts, but don't hold your breath on that one.

Friday, October 7, 2011

14 Weeks and a Tiny Update

This is the first time I have even touched the computer since last week when I posted a pathetic 2 lines and a picture.  I truly miss blogging and PROMISE I will be back at it soon.  My first post will likely explain where I have been and why I stopped posting. 


I have a list on my phone about 30 pages long of things I'd like to post about so when I get back to it there will be some catching up to do.  I hope there are still a few of you that keep checking back and haven't given up on me. 

98 Days