Friday, April 19, 2013

Long lost reality

I fear that we have lost touch with reality.  Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, and I'm sure a lot of other social media sites that I'm far too out of the loop to even acknowledge have taken over our perception of real life!  This is not real life, people, this is the INTERNET!  A place where a pedophile can be an 8 year old girl and prey on children in chat rooms.  A place where the profile picture doesn't always match the person.  A place where medical advice is handed out like gossip on Google, and a place where ANYONES life can look glamorous and perfect!  Just use the proper filter.

I am guilty of it, we all are.  You sit down to peruse Facebook or Pinterest and ten minutes later you feel like a lazy asshole who hasn't done shit with her life.  The pictures of beautiful dinners prepared from someone's latest "Pinned" recipe.  The pictures of date nights with wine, and heads thrown back in laughter.  And let's not forget all the pictures of gorgeous children smiling and oh, so well behaved.  Updates about killing it at the gym or having fantastic yoga classes.  Women everywhere are doing more than you and they are doing it WAY fucking better!

Or are they?

Gone are the days of skimming through Martha Stewart magazine and being all, "How does she do it?" But then you're like, she's Martha F'in Stewart, she isn't even human and she has a staff, and then you felt okay about yourself again.  But now it seems that every single mother is doing it all a la Martha, except for you of course.  You suck.

You can hardly get your ass into your gym clothes, let alone your actual ass TO the gym.  You sometimes have a hard time microwaving a baked potato for dinner, no way is a gourmet Pinterest meal coming out of your kitchen.  And your kids?  Yeah, they suck too because not only do they not look utterly brilliant under your instagram filter, but they are the reason you can't do all this other really amazing stuff and be the perfect mom!  Ummm, wait a minute.

Anyway, I decided to add some transparency to a few of my recent instagram posts.  Ready?

So sweet, taking the babe for an ice cream treat.  But look closely.  See that little snot bubble?  Caches had been sick and was miserable and I totally bribed him with that ice cream cone to get through the grocery store without a meltdown over a kiwi because why don't I have a knife in my purse to cut up the kiwi for him!?  Additionally, he offered me a bite of his ice cream and when I accepted and ate it his entire world came crashing down.  How dare I eat the ice cream that was offered!  He wanted that bite back and he wanted it NOW!  "Honey, I can't give it back, mommy ate it."  "MY, MY, MY!  Ahhh, mama."  Trying to open my mouth to retrieve the sweet deliciousness that was long gone.  "Baby, if I could I would give you the bite back but it is all gone.  Here, have your own bite!"  And if I could have somehow reached down my own throat and given him back that damn bite I totally would have!

Ahh, the beach.  Gotta love the beach pictures in the glowing California sun, or fog in this case.  This particular moment was actually really precious, but the moments before and after, not so much.   Caches is on Ryan's shoulders because he was upset that I wouldn't let him touch a dead, decaying bird.  I offered him a stick to poke at it and explore but he wasn't taking anything less than baby hands on dead bird.  Later this same morning, a bowl of dog water spilled in my car soaking some papers I'd have preferred stay dry, Abner threw up from too much sand running, Caches knocked over a display at Whole Foods, and the car ride home was less than pleasant. 

This is a picture I posted on instagram which gives the impression that I am a very health conscious person who takes her vitamins every day, doesn't allow her children to eat any sweets, and whose breath probably smells like chlorella.  Well, not quite.  My breath usually smells like morning breath because often times I forget to brush until noon or later.  If not, then it more than likely smells like chocolate, not chlorella.  I was only drinking this particular tonic because I felt a cold coming on and I definitely do NOT remember to take my vitamins every day.  I do try to limit Caches' sugar intake, but at the end of the day if he will eat anything, I'll take it.

And these are just a few of my stories, I could go on and on.  I'm sure you have your own, "behind the photo," stories as well, we all have a story to tell.  But updates on Facebook, photographs on blogs or instagram, they don't tell it well.  They only give us a snapshots in time that we the reader must interpret ourselves.  Maybe most women don't look at a picture of a blissfully sleeping baby or a gourmet meal and think, I wish my baby slept so I could prepare dinner.  Maybe that's just me and my own insecurities about hardly ever cooking a nice meal. 

I don't know, I can only speak for myself, and myself can easily get caught up in the everyone else is better and more creative and more adventitious and thinner and has more time and probably has fresh breath and boo hoo I suck at life and should probably just give up because my son will never have a fancy, Pinterest perfect party and oh my god I didn't even send out birth announcements let alone custom designed ones! Sigh
Of course there are some women, and I'm sure men too, who are naturally creative, talented masterminds and genuinely enjoy doing all these extra goodies, but it's not the lot of us.  I think a lot of us feel pressure to be the craftiest, or to bring the prettiest cupcakes to class, or to have the most amazing birthday parties for our children when in the end it really, REALLY doesn't matter to the kid!

My mom is a naturally creative mastermind and long before the internet even existed she was giving Pinterest a run for their money.  My birthday cakes were gorgeous, we had amazing parties and holidays, we had a garden, she volunteered in my classroom, worked the carnival and the list goes on.  But you know how I know all of this even happened?  Pictures.  Yep, that's right, I have hardly any real memories of the cakes or the parties or the crafts.  I only remember feeling loved and important as a person.  The same thing most all kids remember about their childhood.

 I read a quote recently that really got me thinking,  "Children aren't a distraction from more important work, they are the most important work."  Mind blown.  So incredibly, importantly, true!  Sure there are other things that are important and need to get done, and of course you need to spend some time doing things for yourself, I'm not saying drop any and everything for your children.  I'm saying quit doing all extra shit that doesn't need to be done, and spend more time digging in the dirt with your kid!  That is what matters to them at the end of the day.  Feeling loved and important just for being them.  Dirty fingered, snot nosed, eating a pouch of oatmeal because rollie pollies are way more interesting than preparing homemade pancakes and sliced fruit perfection. 

P.S  I'm writing this mostly for me to remember what is truly important, not you.  So if you are offended, maybe you are doing too much and trying to justify it, or maybe you just don't like morning breath.

Tuesday, April 2, 2013

"Egg, egg, egg, egg, egg"

This phrase has echoed through my house for over a month now.  Ever since I pulled out the Easter decorations and designated certain plastic eggs as Caches', he has been obsessed with all things egg.

 He has always liked to eat eggs, but now we must carry them to bed, to the bath, in the car.  We break them 33,409 times a day and say, "uh oh." making mommy fix them while she is trying to cook, eat, pee or breathe.  Needless to say, we had quite a bit of fun dying and hunting eggs this year. 

He was turning into The Incredible Hulk

I'm so glad that he is old enough for the fun stuff! 

Next year, the bunny might leave foot prints...