Thursday, July 28, 2011

Where is Keanu Reeves When You Need Him?

If you have ever held and bounced a sleepy/fussy baby to sleep then you know about the don't put me down or I'll wake up and scream reflex.  It is seriously some kind of black magic that all babies are in on.  How the hell do they know?  They not only know when you stop moving or put them down but they know when you are ABOUT to do it or even just thinking about doing it.  You haven't even done it yet!  Your brain has only just thought about it and they wake up.  WHY CAN YOU READ MY MIND, BABY!? 

I know this is borderline crazy, but I have actually tried to think about something else while putting him down to see if I could trick him into not knowing that I'm going to do it.  Desperate times, people.  I can't tell you how many times I have bounced this kid to the point that my eyes can no longer focus on still objects and I feel like I'm in the Blair Witch Project, my back begging me to put the baby down but NOOOOOOOOOO  the baby can read minds!  Of all the cool tricks you could have learned this is what you choose?  X-ray vision or flying would have been a way cooler super power, kid.  Oh well, you'll be sorry in high school when that cute girl walks by.   

Apparently my baby can also read the speedometer and was a quick study in the car moving reflex as well.  If your child never had this reflex then thank him or her now, but be careful later in case, you know, they can like, fly or something.  Every time I get in the car with Caches I feel like Sandra Bullock in Speed.  I take the route with the least stop lights, roll through stop signs, jump draw bridges and curse all other forms of traffic because if my car drops below 15 miles per hour my bomb will go off! 

Seriously, where is my Keanu Reeves in all of this? 

Picture it.  I'm cruising along at a cool 45, Caches sleeping soundly in the back, when in the distance I see the light turning yellow then red.  I see the break lights and instantaneously my pits begin to sweat.  An annoying new bodily function since giving birth in case you were curious.  I can FEEL him taking measurements of speed.  His foot twitches, his head twitches, oh god I'm only going 20 now.  His face begins to flush and my pits continue to pour. COME ON LIGHT...TURN GREEN, TURN GREEN!  But it doesn't and...KABOOM, my bomb is SCREAMING.

And not just ordinary baby crying.  S C R E A M I N G!  Like turning purple, loosing breath, foaming at the mouth, get these motha' fuckin' snakes off this motha' fuckin' plane screaming.  The worse part?  He is trapped, and I can't do anything about it except of course, SWEAT!  So now my shirt is wet, I'm on the verge of tears, I'm begging the light to change and when it does and I pick up speed, silence.  Complete silence.  Did he die?  Is he still breathing?  How the hell do you go from loosing your mind to silently sleeping in one second with no transition?  Oh well, someday he'll find out that I can go from being quite pleasant to a complete bitch in one second so I guess we are kind of even.

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

In Case You Were Curious

This is what sleep deprivation looks like at 6am

I think the hair really seals the deal
Gives it a certain amount of authenticity

On the same note, I have a question.  Why is it that the dogs can bark all day long and the baby doesn't so much as flinch but Lilly let's out one bark, ONE, at 4am and he is up like his ass is on fire?  

Monday, July 25, 2011

So Sexy

The other morning I was gathering my clothes to go take a shower when I realized I had forgotten clean underwear.  I walked back into the bedroom.

Me: "I forgot my panties."

Ryan: "Babe.  Nowhere, and in no way are those panties.  Those are underpants!"

Take note ladies.  Men do not find beige, 100% cotton, full bottom, fruit of the loom underpants sexy.  Who knew?

Man am I am looking forward to burning those things along with any left over pads.  Cringe.

Friday, July 22, 2011

3 Weeks

I'm going to try to post a weekly, if not more often, picture update because I swear this kid looks different every single day!

I am already feeling nestalgic about his birth and our first days as a little family and it has only been 3 weeks.  I can't even imagine him being 3 months, 6 months, 1 year...14 years and a whole lot of attitude old! And while I am REALLY looking forward to him doing things like holding his own head up, being entertained by ANYTHING for longer that 15 seconds and picking up the dog poop, I can't help but soak up every second of him being a big ol' blob of cuddlyness. 

3 Weeks
I swear he has eyeballs he just likes to keep them closed

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Sergeant Sassy Pants

Between his attitude and his stature, Abner wouldn't last two minutes in the Army.  He would look super cute in his uniform though.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011


We all know how I feel about belly buttons and I am pleased to report that my belly button never officially "popped"  during pregnancy, THANK GOD!!  It was getting a bit scary toward the end, and Ryan liked to point out how dangerously close it was to turning against me, but I knew my body wouldn't do that to me, it couldn't!  Of all the things that gave out on me during my pregnancy, my good ol' belly button held it's ground. 

That being said, the horrors of belly buttons were just beginning...I still had to deal with Caches' belly button/umbilical cord/the grossest thing EVER!


Ok...gaining composure...

I knew going into this that babies have umbilical cords that need to dry up and fall off and then there is magically a belly button underneath.  Sounds relativity simple, but good lord it was horrible.  Every time I changed his diaper I tried with all my might not to make eye contact with it, but like a train wreck it drew me in.  I just couldn't help myself.  It was like I had to stare, had to get just one more good look at it before gagging and putting it back under wraps where it belongs. 

The days wore on and I hoped each time I changed a diaper that it wouldn't fall off on my watch.  I begged Caches to save it for daddy, Mama can handle a lot of things but NOT THIS! 

A few days ago it started to kind of puss and bleed a little bit which I of course thought meant there was something wrong but apparently that is normal.  NORMAL!  Anything that pusses and bleeds "normally" has got to be systematically wrong!

Fast forward to our two week doctors appointment and you bet your ass "disgusting belly button" was question numero uno on my list for the doc. He too confirmed that the disgustingness of the belly button is a normal part of healing and the I should essentially get over it and let nature take its course.  Fine, I'll try, but OH MY GOD IT IS HALF OFF!!  DOCTOR, IT IS HALF OFF AND OOZING!

Deep breath Anne, just put his onsie back on and take a deep breath.

When we got home Caches was due for a diaper change and I was dreading it with every ounce of my being.  Please, PLEASE don't let a dried up umbilical nub fall out his pants when I unbutton his outfit, please!  I slowly undid each snap with my eyes only half open like when I'm watching a scary movie and something is about to jump out.  Somehow having only half open eyes makes it only half as scary.

Phew, no nub.  I proceed to change the diaper and in the process noticed that the half off nub is now literally HANGING BY A THREAD!  Why!!!??? WHY ME!!!??? Should I cut it off?  Should I scream?  I decide to take the high road and button him up leaving Ryan to deal with it at his next diaper change.  Hey, I never said I was mature.

Anyway, long story longer, at the next diaper change Ryan noticed the dangling nub and made the executive decision that we should cut it off.  Actually it was decided that I should cut it off...thanks babe. So holding back my fear and vomit, I clipped the nub and took it immediately to the trash can where is has belonged since birth. 

I know some people save it for the baby book and are probably horrified that I am so quick to toss it, but you too, people who save dried up umbilical nubs, will just have to get over it!

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


Before a bath

After a bath

Chilling in my swing

Napping with daddy

Monday, July 18, 2011


Last week we had our 2 week check up with the pediatrician.  First of all, I can't believe it has been two whole weeks since Caches was born and second, it has ALREADY been two weeks!  For the first week I would constantly look at the clock and think exactly 18 hours ago I was pushing or exactly 3 days ago he was born or exactly 6 days ago I totally should have taken that nap instead of working out!!!

The appointment went really well and aside from his nasty belly button that is supposedly "normal" he is in tip top shape.  He has gained almost an entire pound and grown one inch, though I am not certain their height measurements are accurate taking a squirming baby into consideration. 

So, here are Caches 2 week stats:

Weight: 7lb 8oz
Height: 20.5 inches

And here is a picture of Abner looking particularly cute in his infamous I'm too stout to sit like a gentleman, bulldog pose.

Friday, July 15, 2011

Red, White and Poo

Every year, as far back as I can remember, I have spent my fourth of July celebrating in Spreckles.  We were planning on attending this year, but because we were just released from the hospital the day prior, we decided to pass. 

Most of the day was spent staring at Caches and pinching ourselves that we had a baby, a BABY! And he was ours! And they let us leave the hospital with him, no questions asked!  Are they crazy?

Anyway, by day two we were all getting a little stir crazy so we decided to embark on our first big family outing, a trip to Target, of course.  We put the baby in the car seat, me in the back seat and were on our way.  Half way there Ryan asked if I wanted to stop by the Apple store and see if they could take a look at my phone which had decided to stop working the previous day.  Why not, I thought, and we headed for the mall.

The genius' at apple were unfortunately no help at all and told me that I would need to get a new phone.  Great, I'd LOVE to spend 250 dollars an a new phone as I sit and wait for a hospital bill of epic proportions.  After Apple, I decided to drown my sorrows with a piece of See's candy.  What?  It was right there!  Anyway, while in the candy store I got the brilliant idea to buy a box of chocolates for the awesome nurses at the hospital since we were just down the street and could deliver it.

With candy purchased, some candy eaten and a still quiet baby, we headed for the hospital.  Candy delivery was successful and we continued on our mission to Target.  This is going so well, I thought to myself as I gazed at the clock.  Uh oh, it had almost been two hours since we left and as most of you know, babies eat every two hours.  I small panic set in as I took a second look at the clock, but I convinced myself that our Target trip would be a quick one and I could just feed Caches the moment we got home. 

Finally we are at the store, the baby is in the basket and my husband is warming up the Rascal.  Yes, the Rascal. Ryan INSISTED that I use the electric wheelchair to get around and because I was walking about as fast as a high schooler crosses the street, I agreed.  Then, just as I was sitting down in my electric chair, the creature started stirring.

Shit, my biggest fear!  I shot up as fast as I could, which was S L O W, and decided that we needed to go back to the car so I could feed the baby.  But as we were walking out he stopped crying and I decided that we should just forget about the Rascal and gather our few items as fast as we could and head for home. Before Ryan could disagree,  Caches starts crying again and I changed back to the idea of feeding him in the car.  At this point Ryan is deciding that he probably should have never agreed to an outing with a 3 day postpartum woman. 

Back in the hot ass car, I settle in to feed the baby. Ah...but just when I think I have the situation under control,  Caches poops and it suddenly occurs to me that we have brought NOTHING to change him.  Yep, parents of the year left the house with no diaper bag, not one baby item in tow.  So now I am sitting in the back seat of my car and my son is sitting in his shit and my husband is wishing he was sitting on a bar stool. 

Lucky for us this happened at Target which just so happens to sell diapers.  Ryan heads inside while I sit in the car apologizing to Cahces for what I'm sure is only the first of many parenting slip ups.  A few minutes later Ryan is back with diapers and a  Snickers bar, just the essentials people. 

With a few deep breaths, I managed to change the baby on my lap without getting poop on my leg...score 1.  Get him back in his seat without him screaming...score 2.  And regroup with Ryan to take on Target riding my Rascal... kind of a score 3, but I was riding a Rascal. 

All in all it was quite the adventure.  We have since visited Target once more and I am happy to report that it went MUCH smoother the second time around sans Rascal and WITH a diaper bag.  Ah, adventures in parenting...keep um coming!

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Knock, Knock

Is anyone home?  This is what I ask my brain on a daily basis!  I have been working on a few different  posts for DAYS and I cannot for the life of me form a complete sentence that doesn't resemble something I would have composed in the third grade.  Additionally, all I seem to do is read and re-read the same sentence over and over without the ability to continue my story. 

And it is happening right now!!  I feel brain dead!!  My brain just cannot focus on writing!!  Call it baby brain, blame sleep deprivation or just face up to the fact that I may be plain ol' dumb, but I feel I must apologize for my lack of language skills. 

That being said, I'll post anyway.  I just wanted you to know that I know that I make no sense. 

OK, off to finish my fourth of July post. 

I can't is a picture of Caches doing what he does best

Sunday, July 10, 2011

A Quickie

While sweet baby Caches takes a nap, I'll take the opportunity to do a quick update.  I promise not to abandon the blog just because I had a baby, I mean the potential for writing material just went up tenfold!  But as of right now the idea of sitting on the hard wooden office chair for any length of time just isn't appealing to me or my lady parts.  

We are all doing really great and adjusting a little bit more each day to the idea that we have a baby.  HOLY SHIT WE HAVE A BABY!

Every time I see Ryan holding him or peek over and see his little face sleeping it becomes more real.  We are both learning new, exciting and disgusting things each and every day and I'm sure there is plenty more to come.

A real post is coming your way next week.  Until then enjoy some of the many faces of Caches.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Ah, To Be 13 Again

I am still working on the big birth story entry, so in the mean time, how about some good ol' fashioned girl talk.  You know, about vaginas.  I posted a while back about how pregnancy made me feel like I was going through puberty all over again and though the pregnancy is over, the feeling is NOT. 

I have but one word for you.  It is a dirty word and hasn't been in my vocabulary since I started my period at age 13, pad. I LOTHE pads and have avoided using them at all costs since the 9th grade.  I am sure there are some women that like them and to each her own, but the whole idea of just sitting in your own stuff all day makes me ill.  Unfortunately that is exactly what I have to do for the next couple of weeks. 

This, THIS is the shit they don't tell you about when you want to have a baby.  It's all stuffed animals and sweet baby coos and cute outfits.  I swear if someone had told me that I'd be wearing a pad 24/7 on the warmest week we've had all year I would have totally reconsidered this whole baby thing!

Speaking is another picture.  
Just to keep you interested...

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


Caches Michael Nessier
6lbs 15oz / 19.5in 
July 1, 2011

I promise to write a full birth story soon.  
Let's just stay that babies make their own plans
I should have written my birth plan in pencil 
and everything goes downhill when someone shits their pants

We are completely, hopelessly in love
and Abner is EXHAUSTED 
keeping track of where his baby is AT ALL TIMES is hard work

Thank you for all the love, support and prayers