Where is Keanu Reeves When You Need Him?
If you have ever held and bounced a sleepy/fussy baby to sleep then you know about the don't put me down or I'll wake up and scream reflex. It is seriously some kind of black magic that all babies are in on. How the hell do they know? They not only know when you stop moving or put them down but they know when you are ABOUT to do it or even just thinking about doing it. You haven't even done it yet! Your brain has only just thought about it and they wake up. WHY CAN YOU READ MY MIND, BABY!?
I know this is borderline crazy, but I have actually tried to think about something else while putting him down to see if I could trick him into not knowing that I'm going to do it. Desperate times, people. I can't tell you how many times I have bounced this kid to the point that my eyes can no longer focus on still objects and I feel like I'm in the Blair Witch Project, my back begging me to put the baby down but NOOOOOOOOOO the baby can read minds! Of all the cool tricks you could have learned this is what you choose? X-ray vision or flying would have been a way cooler super power, kid. Oh well, you'll be sorry in high school when that cute girl walks by.
Apparently my baby can also read the speedometer and was a quick study in the car moving reflex as well. If your child never had this reflex then thank him or her now, but be careful later in case, you know, they can like, fly or something. Every time I get in the car with Caches I feel like Sandra Bullock in Speed. I take the route with the least stop lights, roll through stop signs, jump draw bridges and curse all other forms of traffic because if my car drops below 15 miles per hour my bomb will go off!
Seriously, where is my Keanu Reeves in all of this?
Picture it. I'm cruising along at a cool 45, Caches sleeping soundly in the back, when in the distance I see the light turning yellow then red. I see the break lights and instantaneously my pits begin to sweat. An annoying new bodily function since giving birth in case you were curious. I can FEEL him taking measurements of speed. His foot twitches, his head twitches, oh god I'm only going 20 now. His face begins to flush and my pits continue to pour. COME ON LIGHT...TURN GREEN, TURN GREEN! But it doesn't and...KABOOM, my bomb is SCREAMING.
And not just ordinary baby crying. S C R E A M I N G! Like turning purple, loosing breath, foaming at the mouth, get these motha' fuckin' snakes off this motha' fuckin' plane screaming. The worse part? He is trapped, and I can't do anything about it except of course, SWEAT! So now my shirt is wet, I'm on the verge of tears, I'm begging the light to change and when it does and I pick up speed, silence. Complete silence. Did he die? Is he still breathing? How the hell do you go from loosing your mind to silently sleeping in one second with no transition? Oh well, someday he'll find out that I can go from being quite pleasant to a complete bitch in one second so I guess we are kind of even.
I know this is borderline crazy, but I have actually tried to think about something else while putting him down to see if I could trick him into not knowing that I'm going to do it. Desperate times, people. I can't tell you how many times I have bounced this kid to the point that my eyes can no longer focus on still objects and I feel like I'm in the Blair Witch Project, my back begging me to put the baby down but NOOOOOOOOOO the baby can read minds! Of all the cool tricks you could have learned this is what you choose? X-ray vision or flying would have been a way cooler super power, kid. Oh well, you'll be sorry in high school when that cute girl walks by.
Apparently my baby can also read the speedometer and was a quick study in the car moving reflex as well. If your child never had this reflex then thank him or her now, but be careful later in case, you know, they can like, fly or something. Every time I get in the car with Caches I feel like Sandra Bullock in Speed. I take the route with the least stop lights, roll through stop signs, jump draw bridges and curse all other forms of traffic because if my car drops below 15 miles per hour my bomb will go off!
Seriously, where is my Keanu Reeves in all of this?
Picture it. I'm cruising along at a cool 45, Caches sleeping soundly in the back, when in the distance I see the light turning yellow then red. I see the break lights and instantaneously my pits begin to sweat. An annoying new bodily function since giving birth in case you were curious. I can FEEL him taking measurements of speed. His foot twitches, his head twitches, oh god I'm only going 20 now. His face begins to flush and my pits continue to pour. COME ON LIGHT...TURN GREEN, TURN GREEN! But it doesn't and...KABOOM, my bomb is SCREAMING.
And not just ordinary baby crying. S C R E A M I N G! Like turning purple, loosing breath, foaming at the mouth, get these motha' fuckin' snakes off this motha' fuckin' plane screaming. The worse part? He is trapped, and I can't do anything about it except of course, SWEAT! So now my shirt is wet, I'm on the verge of tears, I'm begging the light to change and when it does and I pick up speed, silence. Complete silence. Did he die? Is he still breathing? How the hell do you go from loosing your mind to silently sleeping in one second with no transition? Oh well, someday he'll find out that I can go from being quite pleasant to a complete bitch in one second so I guess we are kind of even.
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