Monday, June 27, 2011

40 Weeks

Well, my due date has officially passed with no baby in sight.  

My new mantra is, "baby will come when it is ready, enjoy the time you have now." know, before sleep deprivation, vomit shoulder a
nd figuring out what the HELL to do with a baby!

HOPEFULLY this is my final belly picture

This is yesterday, on my due date, with my Simpsons short shorts.  Oh so attractive

This morning

Just because he was sitting there and is so damn cute

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Death Stare

When we first found out I was pregnant, Ryan accompanied me to the Dr for a check up and ultrasound.  They also took the typical blood pressure, weight and height measurements.

Ryan: "Wouldn't it be funny if on delivery day you weighed more than me!"

Me: "It absolutely would NOT be funny."

Ryan: "Oh come on babe, I think people would laugh."

Me: "A few men might get a chuckle, but I imagine you would be hard pressed to find a single woman that would find it even the slightest bit entertaining."

Flash forward 9 months and 30 some odd pounds and guess what?  Smart ass thought it would be fun to weight himself while we waited for a room at the Drs office. 

I officially weigh only 2 pounds less than Ryan.  TWO POUNDS!  ONE...TWO

"Ohhh babe, only two pounds.  And I have my shoes on and a wallet."

"Still not even remotely funny!"

"And you have another week to go."

* For those of you who are curious but don't have the balls to call and ask for fear that I might yell and/or cry

How am I feeling? Like a morbidly obese hippo

Am I ready?  No, but I will never be ready so now is as good a time as any

When is the baby coming? Well, since I can't predict the future, I'm going to go with NEVER

Can't I hurry things up?  No, if I bounce one more time on this goddamn birth ball I'm going to be seasick

Are we allowing visitors after the baby that is never going to come, comes?  Yes

Hope that helps

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

The Difference

Among the MANY concerns people have expressed about me having a baby and dogs; Did you know that dogs carry germs? Me either.  A few have brought to my attention that Abner might destroy all of the babies toys.  Um OK, not sure why they care, but yeah, he probably will at least try to taste most of them. 

And while I am positive that there will be at least a few causalities, he is not a complete failure of a dog and I do have a bit of faith in him.  That being said, I plan on making the following photos into flash cards and quizzing Abner nightly to prepare him for the baby.

Abner's Bunny

Baby's Bunny

Abner's Giraffe
Baby's Giraffe
Abner's Chicken
Baby's Chicken
Phew, there's one worry off my list.  Now I can focus on sterilizing dog saliva

Monday, June 20, 2011

No More Secrets!

Have I ever mentioned that I am kind of a control freak?  I thought so...

This entire pregnancy I have been one of those annoying women that's all due date, shmoo date, the baby will come when it is ready.  Smile... Now I am like fuck this not knowing what is going on bullshit and tell me when you are coming!!!  I don't care if you want to be early or a little bit late, but this playing hard to get mystery is NOT good for mommies control issues. 

Hours feel like days, days feel like weeks and I feel like shit.  I am honestly not all that uncomfortable, thank goodness, but my brain has been taken over by the obsessive need to know what the hell is going on inside my uterus. It is driving me absolutely crazy and I'm pretty sure my normally cheery disposition is suffering.  Honestly, my attitude is HORRIBLE, but I am trying to hide it as not to drive my husband away just days before delivery.

How do other women stay so calm?  Casually napping on the sofa, folding onsies and patiently waiting for their babies.  I am not a patient person!  I pace around all day, busying myself with anything that might distract me from the giant elephant in my abdomen.  Part of me wants to fill my days with activities to pass the time, but another part of me just wants to sit around being bitchy. 

I have an app on my phone that has been INaccurately telling me day to day what is going on with my pregnancy.  Yesterday it let me know that my feel good hormones were depleting and that I may start to feel negative about my pregnancy.  Wow, out of over 250 days you actually got one right. 

Sunday, June 19, 2011

A Father

Each and every day Ryan does little things that reassure me he is going to be an amazing father.  I won't go into to much detail, I want him to keep at least a little street cred. with is friends, but I will tell you just a few of the things that have made my heart swell with love for him over the years.

When Georgia, the now infamous bulimic cat was much younger, she decided to rebel and not come home one night.  Ryan stayed up ALL NIGHT walking up and down the neighborhood streets calling her name, looking in AND climbing up trees, desperately trying to find our kitty.  Of course she sauntered in the kitty door all casual like later that morning but I know in my heart he would never have stopped looking.

When Abner was sick this Christmas and when he hurt his back this Spring, god that dog is high maintenance, Ryan held him all night in the precise position that he was most comfortable...the dog NOT Ryan.  I'm pretty sure his own back hurt for days after but comforting his baby pup was more important.  He also spent two nights sleeping on the floor in the nest I created for Abner just to be sure he was OK through the night.

Ryan had Lilly before I met him and Lilly had Ryan from the moment they met.  One night she got a spider bite and Ryan awoke to a hive covered dog.  He panicked and rushed her to the emergency vet, busting through the front door in Sally Field, "GIVE MY DAUGHTER HER SHOT" fashion and was greeted by a very calm nurse suggesting that all she needed was a bit of antihistamine.  He now knows a benadryl is far cheaper.
When he talks about having a baby, the amount of love in his voice is overwhelming.  I know that neither one of us has any idea what we are in for and it is not going to be easy, but I have to think that having Ryan for my partner somehow cancels out at least 47% of my crazy leaving the baby with a 53% chance of normalcy.

You know how you see some women with their children and just know that they were made to be mothers.  Well I think Ryan was made to be a father and I can't wait to see him with is first born child.  Well, human child.

Happy Father's Day, my love...
Still have about 10% of that street cred. 5%

Friday, June 17, 2011

The Things We Do For Our Children

Of all the changes that have taken place in my body, my mind, and my diet, I am officially going on record and stating that the worst and most difficult change has been adding iodine spray to my daily supplements.  

It looks so unassuming in its cute brown bottle with its breezy little label

I always knew there were health benefits to iodine; it helps regulate the thyroid, good for the female system, helps to rid the body of toxins, etc., but I never really perused a supplement.  Now I know that if I had purchased a supplement prior to being pregnant I would have used it once and thrown it into the fire to burn in hell where it belongs.

Iodine is a ghastly, nauseating, sordid, repulsive, filthy little foe that I wish were never born.  The first time I took it was on the way home from the Health and Water store where I purchased it.  I was like Ooo, new supplement, fun, let's take it.  And I spritzed the recommended two sprays in my mouth while sitting at a red light.

The whole world went black and I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO DIE!  I panicked, searching the car for something to eat or drink.  OH MY GOD I POISONED MYSELF, I thought!!! I would have done anything, ANYTHING to get the taste out of my mouth.   THANK GOD I had a water bottle in my car and I drank every drop and wanted more, I NEEDED more!

I searched the car for something to eat, a piece of gum, a cough drop, a dried up piece of dog food, but there was nothing to be found.  I then resorted to mind over matter.  It's not so bad, I told myself.  Just a little unexpected.  I am sure the taste will subside any second.  Well, matter won and I stopped at the nearest store and bought a Snickers bar.  Hell yes a Snickers bar, and I wasn't even out of the door before I had that thing ripped open and in my mouth.  The delicious candy tried to cover the cruel iodine but I swear it had roots and the taste lingered. 

Now every morning is a mind game.  I see it in my cabinet and cringe, knowing that I have to spray it in my mouth and suffer. I feel like a little kid whose mom is trying to get them to take cough syrup.  I want to run and hide under the bed or stamp my foot and cry,  but I put on my big girl, elastic flippin' waist pants and spray.

I have worked out a pretty good system where I spray the iodine and then take my other vitamins immediately after.  I then shove fruit or something sweet in right away and let it sit on my tongue.  This is then followed by a lot of water, and self pity.

I am sure I will bring this up to my kid any time he or she has to eat or drink something they don't like or if they try to pull a I'm too dumb to know the answer trick.  I can hear it now..."Do you have any idea how I suffered for your brain?  There is no way you don't know the answer, I drank iodine for god's sake"  or "You are complaining about cough syrup?  Here, wait just a moment and let me get the iodine, then we'll see who's crying!" 

So I suppose there is a plus side to this torture...future guilt trip.

Thursday, June 16, 2011


Come on in dad


You know how when something new and exciting happens and you all of a sudden have all these grand ideas of how it is going to be and how you are going to act, think and do?  This happened when I got engaged and again at the beginning of pregnancy.  I was sure in both cases that I would become some sort of super woman, healthy woman or at least gain some sort of magical power...organization woman?

Well, I didn't...either time.  In fact I have already failed epically and thought it would be fun to look at some of my failures as a mother who isn't even yet a mother.  I'm sure MANY more will be added to this list as time goes by.

-Keeping a pregnancy/baby journal.
I did it for like 2 months and then realized that all I was doing was saying the exact same shit in different ways over and over.  You can only describe your fear or miscarriage and stretch marks in so many ways before it becomes a real drag.  Last journal entry was from November=fail

-Only eating food that is healthy for both me and the baby...I am a sacred vessel!
Um, this one lasted for about 5 minutes and then I wanted a cookie.  I will say that overall my diet is not and has never been too bad but if this kid comes out refusing breast milk and asking for a milkshake I wouldn't be entirely surprised=fail.

-Not listening to everyone's well meant advice or opinions.
When Ryan and I got engaged the amount of unsolicited advice that came my way was astounding!  I never knew people were such marriage/relationship experts.  Now, there were a few golden tidbits in there, but for the most part it was a lot of negative bullshit. 

The same thing happened when people found out I was pregnant.  I try not to listen or let it bother me, but when you hear the same thing over and over it is hard to get it out of your head.  This especially goes for everyone thinking that my birth experience is going to be the same as theirs.  Oh, you haven't had a contraction, you are going to be late.  You are wearing blue today, me too and I labored for 30 hours and had to have a c-section with my first. Don't do this, you HAVE to do this, your baby will never use that, my baby HATED that.  For fucks sake people you figured it out I'm sure we can too.  Not letting others opinions/advice bother me=fail.

-Having everything done before 37 weeks:
Most of everything was done, but I often find myself looking at my to-do list now, at almost 39 weeks and crossing things off that have not been completed because I realize that they really aren't important and/or I'm not going to do it anyway so why have it there mocking me.  I doubt the baby is going to stop mid diaper change and be like um, mom, the windows are totally spotty and that screen is FILTHY!  Oh shut up kid, I had "clean windows" on my to-do list before you were even conceived.  Not even your arrival could motivate me to do windows!  I also add things like "walk dogs" to the list  just for the satisfaction of crossing something off.  Brittany, you know how it goes.  So, still having a to-do list mocking me=fail.

Like I said before, I'm sure I will fail many times a day and eat my words for breakfast, lunch and dinner once this baby arrives but hey, it is a learning experience.  How am I going to offer MY unsolicited advice to everyone without a little bit of my own trail and error.  Baby, you are going to be a human science experiment and I'm sure you'll win first prize.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

80's Flashback?

No, she isn't wearing leg warmers
She is wearing a frown.

Not exactly sure how she managed to do this
but Lilly got a little too frisky playing last night and ended up skinning not one, but both of her bunny feet!

The only up side is that Lilly is such a drama queen that when you put bandages on her she does not react like a typical dog and try to bite them off. 

She actually likes it and milks it for all the attention she can get.  
Sometimes, for fun, we will put a sock on her foot like a cast and observe her reaction.  She immediatly acts injured and just lays still with her "cast"

Why can't Abner be such a good patient?  No lollipop for him!

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Let's Chat About Poop

No, this isn't a post about the challenges of pooping while pregnant, nor is it a post about how much of my daily life is devoted to picking up poop, wiping Abner's ass after he poops or finding tiny nuggets of poop in Lilly's bed because god forbid she go out and be eaten by the boogie man. This is about how others in our neighborhood view dog poop.

The fact is if you have a dog and you walk it, it will inevitably poop in someones yard.  There is absolutely no way around this.  Some say you should make your dog empty their bladder and bowels before a walk to avoid this, but I am here to tell you that that is completely unrealistic.  My dogs poop and pee before we leave for a walk and 99% of the time they will each go again while we are walking.  I cannot control this.  They are dogs.  Dogs like poop on grass.  Dogs mark with pee pee.  End of story.

 That being said, I believe it is 100% MY responsibility as a dog owner to pick up any poop that is deposited on anyone elses lawn.  I once had to carry a steaming pile of Lilly shit with a magnolia leaf because I forgot a bag, but hey, it's par for the course if you have a dog.  As for the pee pee, sorry, there is nothing I can do.  But I am amazed at how many people leave their dogs poop behind!  It truly blows my mind.  Just today I must have spotted 10-15 piles of poop on neighbors lawns and on the sidewalk!!  And while I agree that it is rude and disgusting to have other peoples dog poop on your lawn, I do not, will not an can not support the no pooping signs!

I would honestly rather come home to an occasional pile of poop on my lawn than be greeted each and every morning by this sign

 Or perhaps this little beauty that my neighbor has on her lawn.

I'm sorry, but having to see a wooden cut out of a dog taking a shit every time I look out my window does not appeal to me.  Plus, do you really think that having these signs on your lawn stops people from letting their dogs poop or motivates them to pick it up?  I mean the dog is smiling. 

If you are the kind of person that doesn't pick up your dogs poop to begin with, then I highly doubt you are the kind of person that gives a damn about whether or not your neighbor wants your dog pooping on their lawn in the first place.  I happen to be the kind of person who does pick up my dogs poop, but there is something about these signs that makes even me want to leave it behind just for the sake of irony.

My poor neighbor who has not one, but TWO no dog pooping signs on her lawn ALWAYS has dog poop left behind.  THE SIGN IS NOT WORKING.  In fact I think it is encouraging dogs to poop.  They see the nice wooden doggy doing it and figure hey, why not me.  And while I do feel bad for her, I just have to laugh when I walk by and see a pile.  I just imagine her coming home from the store, throwing open the door and yelling, "Honey, get out to the workshop and make me another sign!  Bigger this time!"

I suppose if she gets really desperate she can always call this guy:

He left this beautiful flyer taped to our front door last night.  Nothing like walking out your front door to a steaming pile of dog shit.  Was the visual really necessary?  And how did you get your dog to poop in the exact shape of soft serve yogurt?  I kind of want to call him and be like, dude, it is much more appealing to show a picture of a nice clean yard.  We all know what poop looks like.  But hey, at least he's out there trying.

Monday, June 13, 2011

38 Weeks

I can hardly believe that we are 38 weeks already.  I have a feeling that the next two weeks are going to go by SO SLOWLY not only because of the anticipation, but because all of a sudden I feel really pregnant and to be quiet honest, it kinda sucks. 

So come on baby!

Thursday, June 9, 2011



 Looking in from the door

By the way, those skateboards were the catalyst for the 
biggest pregnancy crying breakdown of the entire 9 months
Perhaps I'll share the story some day

 The crib

Complete with a bow wearing bear 
and a handmade Dick and Jane quilt

*Here is a better shot of the artwork above the crib

Yes, I am aware that I will have to take it down when the baby can reach it
Yes, I am aware that it could fall in the event of an earthquake
I like it and sometimes aesthetics win!

 Changing table area

The giant ruler on the wall is from the Nessier Ranch
Was used to measure flood irrigation of the orchards
Pretty rad


A toy trunk

Also from the ranch
Ryan cleaned it up and stenciled 
I sewed a denim liner

 Completely bored with the photo shoot

Abner and I both sit this way now
With our bellies to the side
Flexible we are not

*Ryan's incredibly talented friend Jason Graham is the artist behind both the pictures of the dogs and the falling leaves above the changing table.  The dogs are tattooed on either side of Ryan's ribcage, also by Jason.  If you are in the Portland area, he is killing it at Sea Tramp Tattoo Company.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

It is Difficult

...but not impossible to make the bed with a French Bulldog still snoozing

And a wake up stretch.  Such a hard life

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Where are My Sober Chips?

It has been over 2 weeks since Abner's worst back episode yet and I'm cautiously excited to say that he is looking good.  Started taking short walks and letting him wander around more and more this week.  Of course he thinks this is a license to go absolutely bat shit crazy but I wouldn't expect anything less. 

I'm pretty sure that when you reach milestones in recovery you get chips or tokens, yes?  Well, I'm waiting for mine.  Keeping this dog alive is hard work, especially considering I CAN'T DRINK to cope.  Oh wait...there went my sober chips.  A cookie, can I have a cookie?

Monday, June 6, 2011


I can't believe it is already June.  Similar to my marriage, this pregnancy feels like it has both flown by and been around FOREVER.  I find myself looking back to October and reminiscing about all the emotions that flooded my mind upon finding out we were having a baby.  Well, they are coming back.

I am both elated and terrified.  Reassuring myself that everything is going to be OK and trying to stop my mind from thinking the baby is going to die at any moment.  I am looking ahead with excitement but also wishing I had more time to prepare.  Prepare for what you might ask?  I have absolutely no idea, but I need time!  Of course I'd prefer this extra time to have come at the beginning of the pregnancy when I could lay down without suffocating on my own girth, but beggars can't be choosers.

Speaking of, I once had a bum?  homeless man?  person who doesn't shower? vagrant?  Whatever one is the most politically correct, ask me for a cigarette and when I offered him one he turned it down stating that he didn't smoke that brand.  Are you kidding me?  I felt so offended, rejected even!

Cigarettes aside, this whole baby thing is about to get REAL.  I, me, this crazy lady who blogs about dog vomit and self-tanner on buttholes, and who finds it difficult to describe anger without using the F word or caps lock is about to have a baby.  And there is NO STOPPING IT.

I suppose I could be like that woman in India that had a petrified baby in her stomach her entire life but I have a feeling someone would notice. Most things in life you can postpone but this kid is coming out no matter what.  There is no turning back, no changing my mind, no pushing the date back, no crossing my legs.  This baby is coming, ready or not!

So, am I ready or not? 

Depends on the hour

Thursday, June 2, 2011

12 Hours...Give or Take

The amount of time I spend each year cleaning up and/or dealing with vomit.  



And it hit me tonight, as I was cleaning a particularly lovely pile off of the carpet, that that number is about to double if not triple in the coming year.  Not only do I have the cat that can't keep her food down but I have Abner who loves to drink a gallon of water and then play magician by making it reappear.  Lilly is pretty good, she wouldn't want to waste a morsel of food! but when she does vomit it is epic and requires not only clean up but a pep talk that everything is going to be OK as she shakes in the corner like someone is going to beat her.  

AS IF ANYONE HAS EVER BEAT HER!  Drama queen!! I am thinking that investing in a carpet cleaner might be a wise decision as my child will probably have similar aim and do 90% of its gross bodily functions on the carpet that covers only 10% of our home.  I can see it vomit dripping off of my shoulder and dogs licking it up from the carpet all while the cat is upchucking her breakfast under the bed JUST out of my reach. Oh, is that Ryan I hear gagging on his toothbrush?  

Ah, the sweet sounds of home.  Wanna come over?