The night shift

An average night at my house from 7:00 PM until 7:00 AM...want to visit?

7:00 PM
Caches takes a bath, brushes teeth and puts on lotion.  We read stories, give hugs and kisses to every human and animal in the house, drink water, nurse (yes, still doing that), tell two stories that are wildly creative really silly that I have to make up, tell the story about the magic horse, rock in the rocking chair for the count of twinkle twinkle, lay in bed and rub Caches' back while he falls asleep.  Get up to pee, he squeezes out one drop.  Back to bed.  Get up to poop, he FORCES out a tiny nugget.  Back to bed. While nearly rubbing the skin off of my arm and fluffing his blonde curls in my face, he sleeps.  Marvel at how beautiful a sleeping child is and feel my love for him overflow, they are always cutest when sleeping.

8:30 PM
Walk out hoping Ryan got Arlowe to sleep.  If he didn't, give Ryan a break and nurse//bounce/beg her to sleep.  Once she is in a deep sleep transfer her to a fluffy pillow that somewhat mimics my arms and RUN to brush my teeth, wash my face and pee before she wakes up.  Carefully crawl into bed. Feel the amazing freedom of not holding or touching anybody.  Close my eyes and take a deep breath.  Arlowe wakes up.  Pick her up and pat her butt until she is back to sleep on my chest.  Fall asleep praying for an hour of uninterrupted sleep.  

9:30 PM
Ryan comes to bed followed by the dogs and their clicking toe nails hitting the hardwood floor.  Abner spends twenty minutes adjusting his lips while Lilly licks her foot until I can't take it anymore and I snap and yell at them to shut up which makes Arlowe stir.  Pat her butt until she falls asleep. Fall asleep myself.

10:30 PM
Arlowe is up to nurse.  I latch her on and like clockwork, Caches wakes up, "Mama, come get me!"  I try to wake up Ryan to go get him, but he is either already in a deep sleep or ignoring me.  I unlatch Arlowe and set her down in bed next to me hoping she won't start screaming while I grab Caches who I KNOW will start screaming from the other room.  His lanky body goes limp when I pick him up.  I carry him to my bed and lay him down on the other side of me.  I give him my right arm to pet until he falls back to sleep while I wiggle and pat Arlowe with my left.  He is asleep so I pick her up and latch her back on.  She falls asleep.  Try to burp her but she holds onto her burps like they are the golden ticket.  Give up and fall asleep with a baby on my shoulder.

12:00 AM
Wake up to the sound of the cat gagging and hear the vomit come up.  Hear Abner wake up and immediately start eating it.  I let him.  Lick, lick, lick...Oh my god how long does it take to eat some throw up!?  Lick, lick, lick...I'm so annoyed, maybe I'll get up and clean it.  Nah.  Lick, lick, lick...AHHHH!!!  Now he's gagging from all the licking.  Gag, gag, cough, cough.  Lick, lick, lick...I can't take it anymore.  I VERY carefully get up and grab some sort of cleaner from the dark broom closet while shhhh-ing as not to wake the baby balanced in my other arm.  I spray it and throw a towel over it in hopes that he will leave it alone.  I point an angry finger at him and threaten him with his life if he doesn't shut up, then I VERY carefully get back into bed.  While getting comfortable I wake up Arlowe.  I pat her butt until she falls back to sleep.  I think I fall asleep.

Arlowe is up to nurse.  I latch her on and try to stop her foot from kicking Caches as she wiggles about.  I block a roundhouse kick to the head from Caches.  I wonder why toddlers turn into ninjas in their sleep.  He stirs so I give him my arm to pet while balancing Arlowe with the other.  He settles.  I'm so thirsty, I have water but I hesitate to drink because I don't want to have to get up to pee.  I drink anyway.  Arlowe is done.  I unlatch her and fall asleep.

Fuck, I have to pee.  I put Arlowe in the crib and go pee.  The cat follows me and has the audacity to ask for more food.  I deny her her request.  I sneak back into bed and she stays asleep!  I close my eyes and start to blissfully fall asleep without children touching me.  Caches kicks me in the head.  What the??  How did his foot get up there?  Ah, he's doing it again!  STOP!  I block his leg.  "No touch me, mama!"  F you kid, quick kicking me in the head!!  He stops and settles while rubbing my arm.  I take a deep breath and fall asleep.

Arlowe is up to nurse.  I try to latch her on but her arms keep blocking her mouth and she is getting frustrated.  I pin her arms down.  Success.  Ryan is shoring.  How dare he snore AT me.  I hit him.  He doesn't budge.  Bastard.  I hit him again.  And again.  Then really hard.  He finally rolls over and huffs at me.  Huffs at me!!  Now I'm annoyed that he huffed and that he gets to sleep.  Arlowe finishes up and I want to sleep so badly but she cant' get comfortable.  I put her down, nope.  I put her on my shoulder, nope.  I try to get her to burp, nope.  She is thrashing all about.  I hate everyone who is sleeping right now.

She is still thrashing around.  FINALLY she is comfortable and I could fall asleep, I could.  That is if my brain wasn't wide awake.  Brain why are you wide awake!?  Why does the body get all revved up when overtired?  Should close my eyes and try to sleep but instead grab my phone and google, "why do we get so tired that we can't sleep?"  I'm unimpressed with my search results.  I call bullshit.  I just want to sleep.  Turn my phone off and close my eyes.

Pretty sure I just fell back to sleep.  "Mommy, I needa go peepee."  Put Arlowe down and carry Cache to the potty.  He pees while resting his head on my shoulder.  I fall asleep kneeling down and lose my balance.  Carry him back to bed and plop him down.  He needs my arm.  Fine.  "Mommy, your arm isn't cold, I want it to be cold, I want the other arm."  You can't have it, it's on the other side of my body.  He gets pissed and yells.  I try to reason with him about human anatomy and how arms bend, but give up.  He is still upset that my arm is cold.  I'm getting mad.  My arm is warm because you keep fucking RUBBING IT!!  FRICTION CHILD!!  IT'S HOT IN HERE WITH TWO DOGS, TWO ADULTS, TWO CHILDREN AND ONE CAT ALL BREATHING!! AND BODY TEMPERATURE!! AND JUST GIVE IT UP AND RUB MY WARM ARM!!  I think we all fall sleep but I'm not sure

"I'm awake!  Hi, mama!  My eyes are open!  You awake mama?"  I am pretty sure I'm dead but my burning eyes open.  "Yay, your eyes are open, mama, you're awake!"  He wants to get up.  He wants to cook breakfast.  He wants to play.  He wants to do things.  I on the other hand kind of wand to die.  We get up leaving Arlowe in bed.  The coffee can't brew fast enough.  I drink some and start to feel human.

I read Caches a magazine while he poops.  I'm drinking my coffee.  Arlowe is up and pissed that I left her in bed.  Apparently she wants to join us in the stinky bathroom and inhibit my coffee drinking.  Wipe a butt.  Change a diaper. Nurse a baby.  Realize I still don't have pants on.  Put pants on.  Deny Cache TV watching and listen to him whine for a moment.  Set him up with an activity.  Drink more coffee.

Feed dogs.  Let chickens out.  Clean chicken coop.  Feed chickens.  Feed the cat.  Feed the child who eats food.  Realize I had too much coffee but I want more.  Eat to soak up some of the caffeine.  Steal a sip of Ryan's coffee.

I'm awake now.

Mix up the cat vomiting for the neighbors dog barking or Abner drinking too much water and vomiting or Caches needing to pee again and you pretty much have every single night in my house.  So if I'm not razor sharp the next time you see at least now you know why.

*all times are approximate

*I really should take the clock out of my room


  1. I'm so glad your back! You always make lack of sleep seem so appealingly miserable and just a little bit fun.


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