An open letter

If you will be offended or upset by my stance on punishment for children, I have strong feelings against it,  then this is probably a post you should skip.  

To all the people on Facebook and other various social media outlets who are scared of a world where the adults weren't hit as children and were given acknowledgement for only participating, I have good news for you.  You are not now and will likely never live in a world where this is happening!  There, feel better now?

Yep, have no fear, there is still an astonishing rate of parents who are hitting their kids as a form of punishment.  I won't even use the word spanking because it is a bullshit, "nice" way of saying hitting.  Let's call it what it is, shall we.  So go ahead and mark this fear off of your list, because the, "problem with kids today" certainly isn't that they aren't being punished enough.

I happen to believe it is the exact opposite that is causing the problem...

You want to know what I'm afraid of?  I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were never allowed to safely express their feelings.  Who were put in time out or hit because they dare have an opinion different from their parents.  I'm afraid of adults who were trained as children to follow obedience blindly and never question authority.  I'm afraid of adults who were not shown empathy, compassion, grace and forgiveness by the ones they trust most.  Who were told they weren't good enough because they didn't win or excel at something as trivial as childhood sports or middle school math.  I'm afraid of kids who learn that life is a constant competition, they are never enough.

Kids who were only given praise if they got an A or won the championship.  Kids who were never good enough for their parents or who tried to be different but weren't allowed.  I'm afraid of adults who were told to suck it up, to brush it off, to toughen up; big boys/girls don't cry. Who were taught to stuff down their feelings and show no emotions.  I'm afraid of a world run by adults who were shown that it is okay to hit or manipulate someone as long as they are smaller and weaker than you.  Bullying doesn't start on the playground, folks, it starts at home.

With the way things are going, I think my fears are much more realized than yours.

Recently one of my favorite child development teachers said it far better than I ever could.  "The idea is that, by punishing children when they're young, they'll learn that there are bad consequences for doing bad things.  The truth is, no human being who feels loved, connected, valued, and good ever wants to do bad things.  Yet, by punishing young children for their innocent mistakes, we inadvertently plant the seed that they are not good, which makes them feel disconnected and devalued, and yes, sometimes even unloved.

What if we coached them through mistakes always with the message that you are good, we are connected, you are valued, and I love you; you just make the wrong choice there.  Here, let me show you how to make the right one next time.

Shaming, yelling, and punishing doesn't accomplish that.  Only loving guidance does.

What do you think would happen if we raised an entire generation who felt wholly loved, connected, valued, and good?  A generation of jailbirds?  Really?  How many prisoners spend their childhoods feeling loved, connected, valued and good?  Very few, I'd guess.

We could raise a generation of emotionally happy, healthy human beings!  It's worth a try, isn't it?"

I have so much, SO SO much to say about hitting and otherwise punishing kids that I could fill multiple blog posts.  In fact, I already have a few posts that sit unpublished for fear of offending people who may disagree with me.  So I don't know why I'm posting this one.  Maybe it's the hormones, or maybe I'm just getting to old to care, but I don't care if this particular post offends people, honestly.

I could say that I am offended that other parents think I'm failing because I don't choose to hit my child. I could be offended that people think I'm raising a "pussy," a spoiled brat, or a child who won't make it in the real world because they were too sheltered.  I could be, but I'm not.  Because we all have our own opinions and are entitled to such.  I don't and would never claim to have it all figured out.  No, I don't know the "right way" to parent, but I DO know the "right way" to treat people, and let's not forget that children are people too.


*Yes, I am aware that every situation/parent/child is different and there are 538484 different disclaimers that I could write about this post, but I'm not going to spend the time..