I wish my kids didn't need to nap! There, I said it, and I absolutely mean it! I know, I know... Don't say it, don't even say it. Your kid takes amazing naps. You love it and you never want them to stop napping! They napped until they were five years old! They pass right out in the car and sleep while you drive. They nap in the stroller while you jog or sip hot coffee. You use that time to work out or make dinner or save puppies and woodland creatures. You get a few blissful hours every single day without your children. Good for you. I hope your kid does nap until he is five. And I'm not even being sarcastic right now! Shocking, I know.
I might be alone here, but I hate naps. I know if my kids were good nappers I'd be on the other side, but my kids suck at sleeping. They do. They excel at many things, but resting the body and closing the eyes, BIG FAT FUCKING F! The amount of work and stress that goes into getting a measly 30 minutes out of them just seems so futile! Why even bother!? Oh right, because if they don't nap they do the uncontrollable overtired baby scream that we all know to make the ears bleed. So they need naps, but not very long ones. And since they aren't very long, they need multiple naps a day. And then my head explodes. To be clear, I'm talking about Arlowe now and Caches when he was a baby. Naps for him are so totally last year.
And what's worse, they use naps to fuck with me. Oh, mom has plans to meet her friend at 9:00 for coffee, let's sleep until 10 even though we never sleep until 10! Oh, grandma and grandpa are coming to visit! Mom and dad tell them what a crappy sleeper I am, so I'm going to take a 90 minute nap so they roll their eyes and think she is a pathological liar. I'm going to sleep a whole hour for two days in a row and get mom thinking that I'm always going to nap for an hour, but then, NO! And my personal favorite, let's wake up the second mom tries to eat lunch, blog, poop, walk outside, read a book, walk past my bedroom for something, kiss daddy, or do anything that could be considered productive.
Which brings me to my next nap complaint. I can't even do productive shit when they sleep because of the way my house is designed. Granted this isn't the kids fault, but still I blame them. Their bedrooms are right by the kitchen so even though my hands are free for a few moments there will be no dish washing. Well, there can be, but it is tedious, careful, s l o w, and I always accidentally drop something and hold my breath while watching the monitor praying they don't wake up. So it's stressful and I don't do it. Can't vacuum. Can't cook, you'd be surprised how loud chopping vegetables is!! And to be quite honest, now that I have two kids, the entire time the little one is napping I'm working my ass off to keep the big one quiet!!!
Caches likes to wait until Arlowe is asleep to give me the big, sad, poor me, I have to share my life with a baby now, puppy dog eyes, and ask to play in the living room or kitchen or hallway outside her door?! What the?? Seriously kid, you think you can play with a garbage truck and a plastic dumpster constructed of the loudest plastic every made outside of her door!? Why?? And while I'm asking why, why does the garbage truck (the real one, not Caches' toy), the UPS man, the mail man, the Jehovah's Wittiness, and the sales person who can't read our no solicitation sign ALL come at nap time?? Why??? Don't even get me started on my dogs barking, just don't.
I said don't!
I know I have a few more years living in a napping house, and that's fine. It may not seem like it, but I have calmed way down on the napping stress with the second baby. It's likely because she wakes up and is all, oh hi, mommy. Smile. And when Caches woke up he was like THE WORLD IS ENDING AND I'M GOING TO PRIMAL SCREAM FOR THREE HOURS!!! Anyway, the day naps only happen on sick days or accidentally during cozy snuggles sessions on the couch will the one of the happiest days of my life. I will breathe a sigh of relief so deeply that my curtains will be drawn up with my breath. And speaking of curtains, maybe when my kids don't nap anymore I can actually open them!!