Are You Afraid of the Dark?

We all have irrational fears.  Some of us are afraid of the dark while other are afraid of spiders, or heights, or carbs.  As for me? I am afraid that my belly button will leak; always have been.  Now you may be laughing, rolling your eyes, or giving your computer screen a good "what the fuck" look, but hear me out.

Your belly button was once open and attached to your umbilical cord which nourished you in the womb.  It was clamped and cut at birth and then abra cadabra it is a belly button? Where is the magician in the deliver room?  I for one am skeptical.  How the hell does it close up?  There has to be a faulty point somewhere in there, which bring me to my issue.  The pregnant belly button.

Let me just start off by apologizing to everyone reading this who has an outie.  I am going to offend you. Your belly button grosses me out.  There, I said it.  I can't even look at an outie belly button without cringing.  Then it consumes my thoughts and I can't have a conversation with you because all I think think about is that your belly button may burst at any moment and I'll have to be the one to clean up your oozing guts.  So I'm sorry Kelly Ripa, I'm sure you are a great person, but keep your shirt on if you want to have a chat. 

That being said, let's move on to the pregnant belly button. Take your uterus, fill it up with some fluid, a placenta and a baby and suddenly it begins to bulge.   All fine and dandy until the swelling belly begins to push on the unstable belly button and bam, innie becomes outie and I become terrified. 

Some find this bodily change cute and actually look forward to their belly button "popping"  POPPING THEY CALL IT!!!!  That just screams LEAKAGE!!!  And I can't tell you how many message board posts and pages of baby books are devoted to the popping belly button.  And women are excited about this!!  Did you know that sometimes a "popped" belly button from  pregnancy doesn't go back.  It can actually turn into an umbilical hernia and get bigger!!  I would die, pass. out. and. DIE.

When I found out I was pregnant one of my first fears, after I was done obsessing that I may loose the baby or that the Dr. lied and there was no baby, was my bell button.  People kept asking me if I was afraid of getting stretch marks and saggy boobs.  Of course I am, but what really keeps me up at night is the thought of my belly button, a nice innie, deciding to turn on me and pop out possibly leaking my innards out.

Just typing that gave me the chills.

So if you haven't picked up on it yet, my belly button is NOT yet sticking out and I tell myself every day that it won't, EVER, period.  But just in case it does, I am prepared.  First, no mirrors that show the belly and no more pictures.  Second, a simple band aid might work to keep it down, or perhaps medical tape, but I am prepared to go further.  I am fully prepared to wrap my entire belly in an Ace bandage that will only be removed for showers where I will keep my eyes up if that is what it takes.  I refuse to just let that thing run wild.

10 more weeks, just 10 more weeks...

Oh, and if you share this fear with me never, I repeat NEVER Google "outie" or "umbilical hernia"  You will have nightmares for weeks. 

Comments

  1. Mine never popped out. There is hope.
    Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a "belly button" tape once at Destination Maternity. Not to keep it from popping out, but so it wouldn't show under shirts.
    I'm sure you look absolutely adorable. I wish I could see your cute belly :)

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