Share

Utter this word amongst a group of moms and you are likely to get an earful.  Sharing is either of the utmost importance for their child's "manners" or, like me, they think that sharing is overrated.  "What?!  Not only does this crazy woman flip off her baby and curse at her husband, now she thinks her child doesn't have to share!!??  That poor kid, surely he will grow into a horribly selfish, spoiled brat!"

Okay, I hear you, but give me a moment to explain and perhaps, if you are an open minded listener you may sway ever so slightly to my side of the fence.  Or maybe not.  But if you do, don't worry, I'll share my side.

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Today your two year old decided to bring her pink ball to the park.  Cute.  When you get there another little boy around the same age *cough, Caches, cough* comes up and wants to touch her pink ball.  He reaches out and as he touches the ball she crumbles to the ground in tears screaming, "MINE!"  Not so cute.  You feel a rush of embarrassment come over as your toddler is melting down, and all because another kid touched her three dollar Wal-Mart ball?!!

Ahhhhh!!!  All the other moms are judging you because your child is greedy and doesn't know how to share and oh, what a horrible mother you must be.  Surely if you were a good mother your child would willingly share that ball!  So you take the ball from your flailing child and hand it to the other kid who walks away with it gleefully.  He throws it in the sand, kicks it across the grass and leaves it for something shiny five minutes later. 

You have no idea why your child is so distraught over a stupid ball.  A ball that she didn't even care about yesterday, a ball that she shared willingly just this morning!  You assume that you are doing something wrong, you need to teach her how to share.  We ALL share!

False

There is not a two year old in the world, THE WORLD, who wants to share their ball!  Sure sometimes, when it is THEIR idea toddlers are great at sharing!  I can't tell you how many times I've been offered things by a sharing toddler.  Of course they want them back in about five seconds, but that's okay, that's normal, that IS sharing to a toddler.  You see, toddlers are not simply tiny adults who give a damn about letting everyone have a turn.  That is adult stuff, toddlers are primal, impulsive, raw.  And they don't want to share their things.  But let's be honest here, neither do you!

What?!  Of course I share, you say.  Yes, but only when you want to.  Don't lie, you've hidden candy from your husband and/or child at some point in your life.  Come on, you can tell me.

Now picture this. You are at the same park with your mother when a woman comes up and admires your wedding ring.  She thinks it is absolutely beautiful and would like to try it on.  You pull your hand away and politely decline, it is far to special, but your mother insists that you let her try it on.  You need to share, she insists.  You hold your hand in close to your body and try to explain how special the ring is to you and that you don't feel comfortable letting someone else wear it. Your mother insists.

You are feeling rather upset now and tell your mother and the woman NO!  But your mother holds your hand out, pulls your ring off and gives it to the woman!  The woman then slips your wedding ring on and walks away into the sand box.  Will she bring it back?  Will she damage it in some way?  Will she lose it?  It's MINE!!  Now you are REALLY upset.  You yell at your mother and run over to the woman, snatching your ring out of her hand.  You put it back on your finger and walk away to gain your composure. 

How rude YOU are, not letting that nice woman try on your wedding ring.  We need to improve your sharing!

Sounds kind of absurd, right?  Now I know what you are thinking, a three dollar ball is not the same as a treasured and valuable wedding ring.  No, not to an adult, but to a toddler it is.  And when we insist that our children share when they don't want to I feel like we are not valuing their opinion or hearing their voice, even if they cannot yet speak.   

So, how do I plan on teaching my son to share so he isn't a social pariah sitting alone in the corner with is hoard of 400 stuffed animals and balls?  I talk about it.  I tell him thank you for sharing when he chooses to do so.  I ask him if he'd like to share.  I encourage him to "trade."  I tell him it's okay that he doesn't want to share, because it is.  I tell him that the little girl at the park doesn't want to share he ball right now and that he needs to find something else to play with so the little girl doesn't have a mental break down and make her mommy wish she had a sippy cup of gin. 

You see, I value sharing just as much as anybody else and it is important to me that my son is a generous child and some day man, but I just don't think making him do it when he isn't comfortable with it is the way to go about it.  I want him to feel like his voice is important, like I am listening to him even though he can't yet speak.  I want him to listen to himself when his inner voice is telling him something; to share or not to share.  I want him to trust that the world is a good an generous place and that he is a part of it.  Unless it is some snot nose kid trying to take your ball at the park, that shit is never okay. 

How do you feel about kids sharing?  Do you want to come over to my side of the fence?  Just a little bit?  I have coffee and teething biscuits.

If you are a mother who insists that your child share her ball with my grabby son at the park, I am not judging you or your parenting skills.  Nor do I think that you are "doing it wrong" or that I am "doing it better."  We are simply parenting differently, and that's okay.   We can still be friends.  Our kids can still be friends. And don't worry, I won't try to take your wedding ring.