Tread lightly

"What did you do today?"

Seems like a simple, thoughtful question.  But ask this question to a mother at the end of her day and it may not exactly produce the response you were hoping for. 

Ryan and I have always checked in with each other during the day or at the work days end.  Just a quick reconnection, I like it, I think it is a nice habit to be in, but once I became a mom I kinda hated it! Like a lot.  All of a sudden it was a loaded question.  So much pressure!  I dreaded hearing it when Ryan came home from work.  "What did you today?" went form, oh Ryan is interested in my day to hey, Ryan is questioning me!  Or at least I felt like it did.

Because even I didn't know what I did all day!  The hours passed and I was exhausted, but I had nothing to show for it.  No interesting stories to share, no yummy dinner prepared.  Hell, I was still in my pajamas half the time, my hair a tossled mess.  Did I brush my teeth today?  

For quite some time I dug deep and tried to come up with something, anything to share about my day.  Oh, we went on a walk, looked at a toy, washed clothes (no way the were folded), I THOUGHT about cooking and now here we are...smile, smile.  What I wanted to yell say was, "What did I do all day?  Are you kidding me?  Your kid is alive, isn't he?"  I would get angry because I felt judged.  And I was extremely insecure, like I should have a better answer.  

You see, I'm used to accomplishing a lot during a 24 hour period.  I mean A LOT.  I don't dilly dally,  I don't sit still, I get shit DONE.  And I thought after having a baby that I would still be able to accomplish quite a lot in a day.  Okay, you can stop laughing now.  I honestly did.  I mean I knew it wouldn't be quite the list it was pre-baby, but I definitely thought I could manage a simple dinner and changing out of my pajamas!

But I couldn't, and I fought it SO hard. I beat myself up for MONTHS.  I would feel worthless at the end of a day.  What a horrible wife and mother I was.  Not only did my baby hate me and life in general, but my husband would grow to hate me too!  Not many men like to work all day and come home to a screaming baby, no dinner, no ironed shirts for work the next day and a stinky, brain dead wife who goes to bed at 7:00 to hold the baby all. night. long.

I was angry at myself for not being able to get things done, I was angry at my baby for not allowing me even a few moments to get things done and I was angry that my husband was asking me about all these things that were not getting done.  I spent a lot of time angry and it sucked!  

Then something wonderful happened.  Acceptance.  Why did it take me so long to accept that this was my reality?  Why did I fight SO hard?  In a nutshell, CONTROL!  I don't like not being in control of my body, my house, my schedule, my life!  And I was blessed with a baby who challenged  every single fiber of my being every single second of the day AND night!  He is hands down the most humbling thing in this world. 

I get more done these days, yes, but there are still some days when Caches needs to be held more than the vegetables need to be chopped and my night shirt is still on at noon.  And I pretty much never wear make up or straighten my hair.  And guess what, it still bothers me, but I am no longer angry.  Because what I accomplish in a day is more important than laundry, cooking or cleaning.  I am responsible for the well being of a person.  A tiny, spirited, impressionable person who thinks that climbing a latter when you turn your back on him is a good idea.  A tiny person who is going to grow up to be a big person who won't remember if the laundry was folded or the floors were mopped but who WILL remember that when he needed to be loved there was nothing more important to do.  

The day after Caches was born my doctor told us a story.  It was about a man who came home to complete chaos one day after work.  Children running wild, food and toys everywhere.  Later, he found his wife upstairs in the bath reading a book.  "What is going on?  Are you okay?" he asked.  "Yes," she replied.  "You know how every day you ask me what I did all day.  Well, today I didn't do it."

*Just so nobody calls Ryan and is like, "Oh my gosh.  Did you read Anne's latest blog!?: I am fortunate to have a husband who never asked this question with a condescending tone.  A husband who always reminded me that the baby was the most important thing and a husband who reminds me that I am loved and beautiful...as long as my armpits are shaved.