On closing the booby bar...

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at least for a few hours.

Weaning has been on my mind a lot lately.  Not completely, Caches is nowhere near ready for that and neither am I, but I feel like I need a few hours during the night when the neon light switches off, the doors lock, and the booby bar is closed for business.

I had hopes that Caches would just kind of naturally start waking up less to nurse (he's typically up every hour, though every once and a great while he will give me two or gasp three!) through the night.  Okay, I actually had no REAL hopes, more like pipe dreams.  I know my son, and he has NO intention of giving up ANYTHING easily.

Ryan Caches doesn't "do" change. 

So why don't I stop talking about it and just do it?  Because I am afraid.  Like monsters under the bed to cut my achilles tendon fucking freaked out!  Each week I say, "This is the week I will partially night wean!  No nursing from 11pm to 5am! I am in charge!"  And then I have a good laugh at myself and pop out a boob!  You see, I have actually tried before.  Oh I have tried.  I've tried to soothe him another way when he wakes up.  Ive tried picking him up and rocking, paci, not pick him up and just rubbing his back, singing a song, whispering in his ear how much I love him and that he can nurse when we wakes up.  But his is screaming is darn loud that HE CAN'T FUCKING HEAR ME!!

Seriously though.  The neighbors are like, "I thought they said they weren't going to try to kill that baby anymore?"

Scanning the internet for tips on gentle night weaning I happened across stories of lovely thoughtful women who's babies cried for 15 minutes when denied the breast and it was the hardest thing they have done, but it was worth it.  15 minutes, fifteen!  Really, are you kidding me?  15 minutes is just Caches warming up.  Last time I tried he screamed WITHOUT a break for TWO HOURS AND TWENTY THREE MINUTES!  Yes, you read that right.  And he was nowhere near ready to stop.  I gave up.  I just couldn't do that to him. 

That was months ago, and I am kind of hoping that he has since matured and settled enough to try again.  But I am still afraid.  You know what I'm even more afraid of though?  Letting my desire to be a good mama all night long interfering with my ability to be a good mama all day.  Parenting a busy toddler who thinks it's all fun and games to climb up on the dining room table requries a bit more than 3 odd hours of broken sleep.  One needs to be razor sharp like a ninja.  I'm more like a fat Kung Fu Panda.  I just feel like I could be doing a better job if I was only, say 40% zombie.

Sigh...

For the moment though, I don't have the energy to try, but when I do you'll be the first to know.


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