A discerning palate

I have been sitting here for the past hour trying to figure out how to write this story. It is a somewhat sensitive subject that requires a bit of a back story, but not too much boring detail. It is also a story that requires me to apologize in advance for my language but trust me, if you choose to read on you will understand that there was no substitute for shit.

You all know by now that I have two dogs that I am mildly obsessed with and think everything they do, even the destructive and disturbing things are pretty damn cute and entertaining. One thing I do not find cute or entertaining is the eating of strange, off limits and/or disgusting items. Abner is by far the biggest culprit, ingesting everything from rocks to earthworms, but it is Lilly who has the nastiest hunger of all…the hunger for CAT SHIT. She has been known to smell a pile a block away and LUNGE, mouth open consuming the entire pile in one gulp. She then cowers as though we are going to beat her with a golf club and curls her lip into a guiltless smile. She then spends the next 10 minutes of the walk looking back at you saying;” I didn’t mean it, I just can’t help myself. I am so disgusted with my actions, but it is SO FUCKING DELICIOUS!”

Abner has a different tactic called pick up object, try to get it past my enormous lips and then chew it to death with my tiny chiclet teeth. This serves him well when he is eating sticks and bugs, but when it comes the shit he has a lot to learn.

A few days ago my mom and I were talking both dogs off leash on the trail behind her house where they love to run and play. Everything was going great until we came upon a cluster of bushes that Abner seems abnormally interested in. I typically put him on the leash near these bushes because I am worried that he will chase a woodland creature and end up smelling like a skunk or killing a baby bunny, either way, nobody wins. On this day though, my mom brought along some chicken that we use to call the dogs back to us so they wouldn’t need to be put on their leashes. Well, that chicken worked for Lilly but Abner just stood in the bushes in all his stubborn glory staring at me like; “ what do I care, I know you will give me chicken at some point in my life, I can wait, I am a bulldog!”

I decided to try one of the training tips I learned in puppy school and run away from him like I was having a great time hoping that he would follow, but there he stood looking at me like I was the crazy one which I totally am by the way. I knew he wasn’t going to follow me; he NEVER followed me when I tried that trick. Defeated I walked back to the bushes to pick his sorry ass up and physically remove him from the situation but when I got back I couldn’t see him. Worried he was killing a bunny or fighting a coyote, I walked around behind the bush and was horrified to see him licking what appeared to be a giant pile of shit. I screamed at him and moved him away. That is when the pieces started coming together.

Near that giant pile of shit was an equally large crumpled piece of toilet paper, the area was off the trail and pretty well screened from passers by…OH.MY.GOD it was human shit…HUMAN SHIT…MY DOG JUST ATE HUMAN SHIT!
I tried to talk myself out of what I had just witnessed, tried to think any other possible thought, but every time I tried my mind went back…MY DOG JUST ATE HUMAN SHIT. I was so stunned that I was nearly speechless. I tried to find words to describe how I was feeling but all I could get out was who would shit in the bushes? Is there a person who lives there? Is there a person who goes for morning walks and knows they aren’t going to make it home so they carry toilet paper and just make little pit stops along the way? IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT, STAY CLOSE TO HOME!

I will never be able to look at my dog the same…NEVER

Comments

  1. I just read this out loud to Grandpa and Mom. Mom plans to tell you about how Cassie used to eat from my potty chair and Grandpa wanted to make sure that it wasn't Cynde who poo pooed in the bushes. Then he chuckled and said that she wouldn't shit outside if she had her pants full. His words, not mine.

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