A lost love

"How are you doing today, ma'am?"   "Oh, fine thanks.  And yourself?"

...I'm not

"Thank you, have a nice day."
"You do the same (smile)."

...I won't

I start to walk out of the store, and then I see her.  A woman with a little girl about Caches' age and a newborn baby wrapped in a sling. 

...I can't

I lower my head and walk to my car as fast as I can until I'm safely inside.  I collapse in tears.  I am in the midst of a miscarriage.

Most of you didn't even know I was pregnant.  I was planning to announce it here after the appointment with my midwife last Wednesday;  I never made it to that happy appointment.  Instead I had an emergency appointment last Tuesday.  An ultrasound confirmed it.  The baby whose heart I  had seen beating just 3 weeks before was gone.  There was nothing left.  I have never felt so empty in my entire life.  It was just, gone.

I felt like it was all a bad dream, like someone else laying on the bed being told that their baby was gone.  Not me, not my baby, it couldn't be.  But it was, and it is.  I try to be rational, it happens all the time.  The baby just wasn't going to make it.  My body know what it's doing.  I try to be practical, I didn't do anything wrong.  Sometimes a baby just isn't meant to be.  But by the quiet of night all logic is gone.  My baby was real, it was and still is loved, and now it is gone.

I know a few women who have had miscarriages and I always felt such a sadness for them, but I never fully understood their pain until now, how could I?  I naively thought I was fine, the baby was fine.  We saw the heartbeat, I'm healthy, I had a perfectly uncomplicated pregnancy with Cache, not a worry in the world.  I has already spent hours daydreaming about this baby, planning for this baby, expanding my heart for this baby, that is now no longer coming to curl up and sleep on my chest. My chest instead feels heavy with loss.

I will never hold this baby, never nurse this baby, never get to watch this baby sleep for hours on end, it's tiny chest rising and falling with each sweet breath.  I will never get to know this baby and all that could have been.  I can't stop thinking of everything that could have been.  That should have been.  It still doesn't even feel real

Every time I see a pregnant belly, or a newborn baby it takes my breath away.  Why do they get to have their babies?  Why did my baby have to die?  I am angry.  I am sad.  I am empty.  I know this is all part of the grieving process and I am allowing myself to feel every emotion that comes.  I know that in time I will heal and I feel confident that we will be blessed with another baby in the future.  I know it will be okay, but not right now.  Right now it is not okay.  Right now my heart is as heavy as my belly longs to be.

I am taking it one day at a time.  One moment at a time. I am trying to lose myself in my perfect, healthy son.  I am trying to heal. 


*I had a D&C on Tuesday at the very same hospital that I was excited to deliver my baby at.  Heartache came home this time, next time a baby.  Everything went well.  I am trying to take it easy, but the toddler waits for nothing.  Thank you for all the love, prayers, flowers and kind words.  They are a great comfort on this rocky, unfamiliar road.