The three headed freak of nature
Today at our playgroup, one of the other children's parents asked me if Caches was a good napper. After I finished choking on my cracker, I answered, "Ehh, not good or bad, he just has never slept for long stretches day or night unless he is being held. He's typically a 30 minute napper."
She looked at me as though I had three heads and sheepishly told me that she was about to complain about her daughter only napping for 1.5 hours when she used to nap close to 3 hours a day. Three hours!? You know what I could do with THREE child free hours!? Just thinking about it makes my heart pitter patter. Anyway, I just kinda smiled and nodded, something I have damn near perfected over the past year and a half, and went back to my cracker.
But she wasn't done. "He must sleep great at night then, right? I mean if he only naps for 30 minutes he should be exhausted."
Here we go. "Um, he is pretty tired come bed time but again, he just isn't what most would consider a "good" sleeper. He takes a while to relax, needs a lot of parental help and still wakes up a minimum of six times a night to either nurse or be comforted." Now it would have seemed that my three heads were expelling toxic fumes by the look on her face. "It's okay though, he is in bed with us so it only takes a moment to resettle him. I'm tired but I get much more rest this way than if I tried to somehow force him to sleep."
KABOOM my heads exploded and got goop all over her uncontrollably horrified face.
I just looked at her, smiled, helped Caches eat some of his cracker and smiled again. I could physically feel the judgement, feel her wanting to say something about my parenting, just dying to offer advice, but she didn't. A year ago I would have been sweating, anxious inside about what I would say to defend my parenting. I would have made a joke about Caches' sleep, or told a lie to avoid "the look." But I have come a LONG way in a year.
It simply does not phase me anymore. I could listen to hours of unsolicited parenting advice and anecdotes now without batting an eye, because now I KNOW it is bullshit. All babies and all parents are different. We all have different goals and desires for our relationships with our children. We all have different thresholds for sleep deprivation, different coping skills, different ideas and different support systems, and that's okay, there is no one size fits all.
I am not necessarily pleased with how my son sleeps, no. And I don't think I'm some wonderful mother just because I choose to respond to him at all hours of the night. I'm not trying to be a martyr, or make you feel bad because you have chosen not to, or don't need to parent your child at night, I am just being honest. Something I think a lot more of us mothers should do. So many mothers feel like they need to lie about how or where their children sleep. About how much their children "know" or how well they are doing with milestones. As if admitting that your child sleeps in bed with you will cause the unveiling of ALL your imperfections as a parent. Because everyone else is so damn perfect, right? And somehow everyone just lying makes it better?
I urge you to resist lying, I did it for a long time and let me tell you, it is exhausting! Of course I would still TOTALLY shove dirty dishes in the oven if unexpected guests arrived, and I wear concealer, but I will not lie about my son or how I parent, I refuse. I have been given a challenging child but I am proud of how I am parenting him. I just do what I feel is right in my heart, not what some book, pediatrician, stranger at Target or internet message board says is right. And I challenge anyone to question it; seriously, ask me a question. I won't lie.
She looked at me as though I had three heads and sheepishly told me that she was about to complain about her daughter only napping for 1.5 hours when she used to nap close to 3 hours a day. Three hours!? You know what I could do with THREE child free hours!? Just thinking about it makes my heart pitter patter. Anyway, I just kinda smiled and nodded, something I have damn near perfected over the past year and a half, and went back to my cracker.
But she wasn't done. "He must sleep great at night then, right? I mean if he only naps for 30 minutes he should be exhausted."
Here we go. "Um, he is pretty tired come bed time but again, he just isn't what most would consider a "good" sleeper. He takes a while to relax, needs a lot of parental help and still wakes up a minimum of six times a night to either nurse or be comforted." Now it would have seemed that my three heads were expelling toxic fumes by the look on her face. "It's okay though, he is in bed with us so it only takes a moment to resettle him. I'm tired but I get much more rest this way than if I tried to somehow force him to sleep."
KABOOM my heads exploded and got goop all over her uncontrollably horrified face.
I just looked at her, smiled, helped Caches eat some of his cracker and smiled again. I could physically feel the judgement, feel her wanting to say something about my parenting, just dying to offer advice, but she didn't. A year ago I would have been sweating, anxious inside about what I would say to defend my parenting. I would have made a joke about Caches' sleep, or told a lie to avoid "the look." But I have come a LONG way in a year.
It simply does not phase me anymore. I could listen to hours of unsolicited parenting advice and anecdotes now without batting an eye, because now I KNOW it is bullshit. All babies and all parents are different. We all have different goals and desires for our relationships with our children. We all have different thresholds for sleep deprivation, different coping skills, different ideas and different support systems, and that's okay, there is no one size fits all.
I am not necessarily pleased with how my son sleeps, no. And I don't think I'm some wonderful mother just because I choose to respond to him at all hours of the night. I'm not trying to be a martyr, or make you feel bad because you have chosen not to, or don't need to parent your child at night, I am just being honest. Something I think a lot more of us mothers should do. So many mothers feel like they need to lie about how or where their children sleep. About how much their children "know" or how well they are doing with milestones. As if admitting that your child sleeps in bed with you will cause the unveiling of ALL your imperfections as a parent. Because everyone else is so damn perfect, right? And somehow everyone just lying makes it better?
I urge you to resist lying, I did it for a long time and let me tell you, it is exhausting! Of course I would still TOTALLY shove dirty dishes in the oven if unexpected guests arrived, and I wear concealer, but I will not lie about my son or how I parent, I refuse. I have been given a challenging child but I am proud of how I am parenting him. I just do what I feel is right in my heart, not what some book, pediatrician, stranger at Target or internet message board says is right. And I challenge anyone to question it; seriously, ask me a question. I won't lie.
Anne,
ReplyDeleteIt's been a lifetime since we last spoke, but thanks to the Internet, here we are. I'm so glad I came upon this post, because I am in the exact same situation with my 11 month old son, Cameron. It's nice to hear some homesty from another mother. Too often women feel in competition with each other, especially when it comes to parenting. It's refreshing to hear someone admit that parenting is tough and we don't have all the answers.