Be You!
Recently I've felt a deep yearning to be more authentic. To live my life in a way that lines up with my core values and moral compass. To be unapologetically ME! Is unapologetically even a word? The real me doesn't care so I'm not even going to look it up, HA!
Anyway, I have been reflecting on my life the past few years, like A LOT! Thinking about the person I am verses the person I put out into the world verses the person I want to be. For me this has always been three different people! This is not okay! I mean we all learn to adjust to our environment and sometimes being who we are will get us punched so we tone it down. This is natural and a good thing. What I am referring to though is different because it is based on fear. Fear that I wouldn't be accepted. Fear that I wasn't good enough or smart enough. Fear of confrontation. Fear of crying in front of someone or you know shitting my pants because of anxiety. Hey, this is the real me!
I am only now realizing that I am but one person, completely whole and completely worthy.
A few nights ago I had a really good conversation with Ryan who by the way is the most amazing, supportive, non-judgmental cheer leader a gal could have. I won't turn this into Ryan post, but I really should write one. That man is everything a human should be, and puts up with me to boot! Love you babe! During our conversation we delved into some of my deep anger and resentment issues. One of the biggest issues is that I don't feel seen or heard. I feel like I have A LOT to say but I don't say it, I keep quiet. My whole life I have felt small, quiet, cooperative, agreeable. I don't like to stand out or draw attention to myself. I don't like confrontation. I watch from the sides with a head FULL OF thoughts but I don't chime in
This is not actually who I am! I am strongly opinionated. I have a powerful voice. I have deep convictions about many things. I am big and bold and I want to take up space! All of this suppressing and shoulder shrugging and smiling and nodding was slowly killing me! You may have heard the old saying that anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. That was my life! Though my anger wasn't aimed at one person it was ever present, bubbling just below the surface poisoning me from deep within.
I have always admired people who speak their minds, like my husband and a few of my good friends. I look at people like this is pure awe. Like that must feel so damn good! Fuck! Just saying what you mean and meaning what you say and bam, it's over! You don't sit and fester in your own thoughts, you don't have to live in your head all the time agonizing over every single word you say or don't say. You just say it and move on! How free this must feel. How much beautiful space this must free up in ones mind for other more meaningful things. Sigh. This is something I aspire to.
While we were talking I expressed that I need some like minded friends around me. I miss that bond and safe space to be me. Ryan made such a wonderful point. If I am not genuinely me then how do I expect to attract people who will love me for me and feel like they too can be themselves. It is natural to outgrow relationships as we evolve and change and I am kind of at that point. I need some new energy around me. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. In fact I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. And that's okay. In fact that is wonderful. I/me/we are under NO obligation to be the same person we were last year or last month or yesterday or even 5 minutes ago! Let me repeat that, we are under NO OBLIGATION!
Gosh just typing that feels so good! I was the one holding myself back! I was the one assigning the labels. It was my ever present voice telling me I'm the girl with anxiety who doesn't speak up. I'm the girl who doesn't like this or that. I'm the girl who shrinks under pressure, who holds everything in. I'm the girl who is scared. Well you know what, fuck that fucking voice.
I am realizing as I get older that it is so important to shed the labels and to let go of what isn't serving me. The bullshit negative self talk does not serve me. The anger does not serve me. Silence does not serve me!
This is partially why I feel so strongly about letting my kids feel their feelings and speak their minds. I never want them to hold back their feelings or opinions because they are worried about what others might say. I want them to disagree with me. I want them to speak their minds. I want them to be openly angry with me and each other. Because there is something so beautiful that happens when we feel comfortable with all of our emotions, not only the "good" ones. When we can sit with our feelings, particularly the ugly ones something magic happens. All feelings turn to joy. We feel whole and light and our energy flows freely through our bodies. We are able to shift from frustration and anger back to calm almost effortlessly. None of those negative thoughts or feelings get stuck and we can find out joy again. We are free to be who we are and I want my kids to feel free
I want to feel free
*side note. I do have some amazing friends and family members who I am 100% real with and I am so grateful for them, but it isn't easy for me and I drive them all absolutely crazy
Anyway, I have been reflecting on my life the past few years, like A LOT! Thinking about the person I am verses the person I put out into the world verses the person I want to be. For me this has always been three different people! This is not okay! I mean we all learn to adjust to our environment and sometimes being who we are will get us punched so we tone it down. This is natural and a good thing. What I am referring to though is different because it is based on fear. Fear that I wouldn't be accepted. Fear that I wasn't good enough or smart enough. Fear of confrontation. Fear of crying in front of someone or you know shitting my pants because of anxiety. Hey, this is the real me!
I am only now realizing that I am but one person, completely whole and completely worthy.
A few nights ago I had a really good conversation with Ryan who by the way is the most amazing, supportive, non-judgmental cheer leader a gal could have. I won't turn this into Ryan post, but I really should write one. That man is everything a human should be, and puts up with me to boot! Love you babe! During our conversation we delved into some of my deep anger and resentment issues. One of the biggest issues is that I don't feel seen or heard. I feel like I have A LOT to say but I don't say it, I keep quiet. My whole life I have felt small, quiet, cooperative, agreeable. I don't like to stand out or draw attention to myself. I don't like confrontation. I watch from the sides with a head FULL OF thoughts but I don't chime in
This is not actually who I am! I am strongly opinionated. I have a powerful voice. I have deep convictions about many things. I am big and bold and I want to take up space! All of this suppressing and shoulder shrugging and smiling and nodding was slowly killing me! You may have heard the old saying that anger is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. That was my life! Though my anger wasn't aimed at one person it was ever present, bubbling just below the surface poisoning me from deep within.
I have always admired people who speak their minds, like my husband and a few of my good friends. I look at people like this is pure awe. Like that must feel so damn good! Fuck! Just saying what you mean and meaning what you say and bam, it's over! You don't sit and fester in your own thoughts, you don't have to live in your head all the time agonizing over every single word you say or don't say. You just say it and move on! How free this must feel. How much beautiful space this must free up in ones mind for other more meaningful things. Sigh. This is something I aspire to.
While we were talking I expressed that I need some like minded friends around me. I miss that bond and safe space to be me. Ryan made such a wonderful point. If I am not genuinely me then how do I expect to attract people who will love me for me and feel like they too can be themselves. It is natural to outgrow relationships as we evolve and change and I am kind of at that point. I need some new energy around me. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. In fact I am not the same person I was 6 months ago. And that's okay. In fact that is wonderful. I/me/we are under NO obligation to be the same person we were last year or last month or yesterday or even 5 minutes ago! Let me repeat that, we are under NO OBLIGATION!
Gosh just typing that feels so good! I was the one holding myself back! I was the one assigning the labels. It was my ever present voice telling me I'm the girl with anxiety who doesn't speak up. I'm the girl who doesn't like this or that. I'm the girl who shrinks under pressure, who holds everything in. I'm the girl who is scared. Well you know what, fuck that fucking voice.
I am realizing as I get older that it is so important to shed the labels and to let go of what isn't serving me. The bullshit negative self talk does not serve me. The anger does not serve me. Silence does not serve me!
This is partially why I feel so strongly about letting my kids feel their feelings and speak their minds. I never want them to hold back their feelings or opinions because they are worried about what others might say. I want them to disagree with me. I want them to speak their minds. I want them to be openly angry with me and each other. Because there is something so beautiful that happens when we feel comfortable with all of our emotions, not only the "good" ones. When we can sit with our feelings, particularly the ugly ones something magic happens. All feelings turn to joy. We feel whole and light and our energy flows freely through our bodies. We are able to shift from frustration and anger back to calm almost effortlessly. None of those negative thoughts or feelings get stuck and we can find out joy again. We are free to be who we are and I want my kids to feel free
I want to feel free
*side note. I do have some amazing friends and family members who I am 100% real with and I am so grateful for them, but it isn't easy for me and I drive them all absolutely crazy
Comments
Post a Comment