12 Months
Caches Michael,
You are 12 months old, one whole year. Well, your birthday was actually last week, but I was really busy with your party and your "OH MY GOD I MUST WAKE UP EVERY HOUR AND SCREAM" so I didn't post, sorry. Son, I don't even know where to begin about this year. I should probably start by holding back the water works, it's not easy to type through tears and snot. What a year baby boy, what an absolutely life changing year full of soul searching, personal growth, insane amounts of love and mind numbing exhaustion. Did I mention THE EXHAUSTION?! Seriously son, could you give mama a break?
If there were a picture in the dictionary under the word passionate, it would be of you. Caches you KNOW what you want and you go after it with an intensity that is unlike anything I had experienced before you. If you wake up and want a boob, damn it there had better be one bedside in 2 seconds or someone is losing their head! You don't make requests, you DEMAND ACTION. There are no questions, no suggestions and there had better be NO hesitations. It is completely, out of this world ridiculous but also honest and real! Your intensity and determination is maddening, yes, but equally rewarding because you love just as intensely as you protest. When you love something baby, you LOVE it with all your heart and soul. It is palpable, the whole room can feel it.
And it is that love that has kept both of us alive this past year. It is the intensity of love that you not only demand from me but that you also give me in return. Sometimes there is so much love that my heart actually aches. You see, there are no shortcuts in parenting you, no easy way, no advice to follow, no pattern or flow. You are balls to the walls crazy and you demand the best of me, ALWAYS. Which if I am being completely honest is really hard. You see, you typically get the best from a person when they are well rested; I am nowhere near that state, you don't care. You somehow know that if I dig deep within myself I can be the best, always.
That is something I never knew; One of many things. Over this past year you have challenged everything that is in me and I will be the first to say thank you. You see, I had become pretty comfortable with who I was. Passive and non confrontational, accepting of things the way they were and not really into rocking the boat. I am a pretty darn easy going individual. You, my sweet blue eyed boy, are not. I am the type who makes the bed and folds the towels in the hotel room so housekeeping doesn't have to. You are the type to superglue the furniture to the ceiling and set shit on fire!
Caches, you are the real deal, as real as they come. You don't edit yourself for the purpose of pleasing others. You don't care what anyone else's opinion of you may be. Take it or leave it, this is who you are. And you are far too busy to bother with the details anyway. I, like many adults do all of those things. I edit myself far too often, quieting down when I want to pipe up. I stay awake when I should be sleeping, I smile when I want to cry and I put way too much value on others opinions of myself forgetting that the most import opinion is my own. You have taught me to completely rethink living, how to truly LIVE! Sometimes I find myself asking, okay fine, BEGGING you to just get over it, accept the way it is, calm down, just smile and nod. But you don't, you won't. You are you no matter what.
Never lose that, baby. Well, to clarify, you should probably lose the screeching at the top of your lungs whenever you darn well please and the screaming in the car at some point if you ever want friends, but that I'm sure will come with age.
You are walking, more like running everywhere these days and think you are pretty fancy when you figure out how to navigate things like the hose or a step. Your eyes light up with so much pride for your accomplishments; Hold on to that pride, baby. This month you are trying all sorts of new things and mimicking us like crazy. I suppose that means we should stop swearing. Shucks! Yeah, it just doesn't have the same zing. You have also decided that you have an opinion about what you will and will not eat, how you will eat it and when it will be consumed. Just this morning you had a meltdown when I would not let you dump your oatmeal out of the bowl and wallow in it like a little piggie. The nerve!
Caches you are so much happier with your blossoming independence. There was a time when I thought you may have preferred to stay inside forever, this world was just not right for you. Then, gradually over the past few months, you have realized that it's actually pretty freakin' sweet after all. There is water to splash in, doggies to chase, brooms to try to decapitate mama with, rocks to eat, birds that fly, kitties and fire hydrants and OH MY GOD IT'S AWESOME TO BE ALIVE!
And it is. I thought I was living before you, thought I knew about love, was but I was wrong. I never stopped to gasp at a bird on a wire, never was in awe of your fathers ability to click his tongue. I had forgotten all the little magical details that makes life so utterly amazing. I never knew our house could feel even more alive, but it does. The energy you bring into this house is intense, awe inspiring and perfect. Each night when you drift off to sleep and there is a hush across the house I stop to listen to your breath. In and out as your tiny chest falls and I feel life in its purest, most raw form, your breath. Your life. My love.
You are 12 months old, one whole year. Well, your birthday was actually last week, but I was really busy with your party and your "OH MY GOD I MUST WAKE UP EVERY HOUR AND SCREAM" so I didn't post, sorry. Son, I don't even know where to begin about this year. I should probably start by holding back the water works, it's not easy to type through tears and snot. What a year baby boy, what an absolutely life changing year full of soul searching, personal growth, insane amounts of love and mind numbing exhaustion. Did I mention THE EXHAUSTION?! Seriously son, could you give mama a break?
If there were a picture in the dictionary under the word passionate, it would be of you. Caches you KNOW what you want and you go after it with an intensity that is unlike anything I had experienced before you. If you wake up and want a boob, damn it there had better be one bedside in 2 seconds or someone is losing their head! You don't make requests, you DEMAND ACTION. There are no questions, no suggestions and there had better be NO hesitations. It is completely, out of this world ridiculous but also honest and real! Your intensity and determination is maddening, yes, but equally rewarding because you love just as intensely as you protest. When you love something baby, you LOVE it with all your heart and soul. It is palpable, the whole room can feel it.
And it is that love that has kept both of us alive this past year. It is the intensity of love that you not only demand from me but that you also give me in return. Sometimes there is so much love that my heart actually aches. You see, there are no shortcuts in parenting you, no easy way, no advice to follow, no pattern or flow. You are balls to the walls crazy and you demand the best of me, ALWAYS. Which if I am being completely honest is really hard. You see, you typically get the best from a person when they are well rested; I am nowhere near that state, you don't care. You somehow know that if I dig deep within myself I can be the best, always.
That is something I never knew; One of many things. Over this past year you have challenged everything that is in me and I will be the first to say thank you. You see, I had become pretty comfortable with who I was. Passive and non confrontational, accepting of things the way they were and not really into rocking the boat. I am a pretty darn easy going individual. You, my sweet blue eyed boy, are not. I am the type who makes the bed and folds the towels in the hotel room so housekeeping doesn't have to. You are the type to superglue the furniture to the ceiling and set shit on fire!
Caches, you are the real deal, as real as they come. You don't edit yourself for the purpose of pleasing others. You don't care what anyone else's opinion of you may be. Take it or leave it, this is who you are. And you are far too busy to bother with the details anyway. I, like many adults do all of those things. I edit myself far too often, quieting down when I want to pipe up. I stay awake when I should be sleeping, I smile when I want to cry and I put way too much value on others opinions of myself forgetting that the most import opinion is my own. You have taught me to completely rethink living, how to truly LIVE! Sometimes I find myself asking, okay fine, BEGGING you to just get over it, accept the way it is, calm down, just smile and nod. But you don't, you won't. You are you no matter what.
Never lose that, baby. Well, to clarify, you should probably lose the screeching at the top of your lungs whenever you darn well please and the screaming in the car at some point if you ever want friends, but that I'm sure will come with age.
You are walking, more like running everywhere these days and think you are pretty fancy when you figure out how to navigate things like the hose or a step. Your eyes light up with so much pride for your accomplishments; Hold on to that pride, baby. This month you are trying all sorts of new things and mimicking us like crazy. I suppose that means we should stop swearing. Shucks! Yeah, it just doesn't have the same zing. You have also decided that you have an opinion about what you will and will not eat, how you will eat it and when it will be consumed. Just this morning you had a meltdown when I would not let you dump your oatmeal out of the bowl and wallow in it like a little piggie. The nerve!
Caches you are so much happier with your blossoming independence. There was a time when I thought you may have preferred to stay inside forever, this world was just not right for you. Then, gradually over the past few months, you have realized that it's actually pretty freakin' sweet after all. There is water to splash in, doggies to chase, brooms to try to decapitate mama with, rocks to eat, birds that fly, kitties and fire hydrants and OH MY GOD IT'S AWESOME TO BE ALIVE!
And it is. I thought I was living before you, thought I knew about love, was but I was wrong. I never stopped to gasp at a bird on a wire, never was in awe of your fathers ability to click his tongue. I had forgotten all the little magical details that makes life so utterly amazing. I never knew our house could feel even more alive, but it does. The energy you bring into this house is intense, awe inspiring and perfect. Each night when you drift off to sleep and there is a hush across the house I stop to listen to your breath. In and out as your tiny chest falls and I feel life in its purest, most raw form, your breath. Your life. My love.
Happy Birthday baby boy. There has never and will never be another quite like you.
Love,
Mama
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