Let's talk boobs for a moment

As you know I recently started writing again and part of that was going through all of my old posts and rough drafts of posts that I started but never finished.  A lot of them I deleted because they are really no longer relevant or so unfinished that I would need to be in that current time to finish up properly.  But this is one I want to finish.

I must have written this in 2014 when Caches was about three and a half and Arlowe was about 11 old.  Here is what I had started...


Every year since Caches was one year old I have written a post about breastfeeding during world breastfeeding week.  Well, world breastfeeding week was almost 6 months ago, so while late to the party, I'm still going to participate. Because yeah, still doing it.  And breastfeeding an almost 3.5 year old is so very different than breastfeeding an infant, a young toddler or even a 2.5 year old.

If someone would have told the 18 year old me that they were still nursing their 3.5 year old toddler, I probably would have made a grossed out face and wondered why.  The 20 year old me would have probably made an uneducated remark.  The 25 year old me would say that's fine for other people, but not something that I would do.  Indeed, the younger me would have cared deeply about other peoples opinion on the matter, but the 32 year old me who actually is still breastfeeding a 3.5 year old toddler gives exactly zero fucks of other people's opinion on the matter. Isn't getting older grand!?

Trust me, I never went into this thinking I'd still be nursing at 3.5 years old,  I didn't set a goal of certain age I'd like to make it to, or pick some arbitrary age that I would force him to stop.  I just kind of went with it and let things evolve as they did and before I knew it he was 3.5 and hadn't stopped.

This past year though has seen the most dramatic change in our nursing relationship yet.  I set some new boundaries, something I think is of paramount importance when nursing an older toddler, and we found a new groove.  I'm sure becoming pregnant with Arlowe, which caused my milk supply to plummet, had a lot to do with it, but around this time last year the night weaning just kind of clicked and he cut way back on day time nursing as well.   I had tried a few times before to night wean and it just wasn't worth the fight.  I decided to follow his lead and then, just like EVERYTHING else I have tried to rush over the years, when he was ready it just kind of happened.  And it was really easy.

I wondered if he would wean during my pregnancy when the milk was gone, but I never brought it up to him.  I also wanted to wean him MANY times during my pregnancy because I developed a nursing aversion BIG TIME, like huge.  During the entire first trimester it was very painful and made my skin crawl.  All I could think about from the second he latched on was ways to make him stop!  It would make me feel anger and range that was very unfamiliar and unpleasant.  I took to singing songs in my head and gradually shortening the amount of time he was allowed to nurse.  Eventually he was only allowed to nurse for the duration of Twinkle Twinkle Little Star...and you bet I sang that shit as FAST as humanly possible.

Okay, so that is all I wrote in 2014.  I'll continue on from there.

Here we are in 2017 and yep, I'm still nursing and still giving zero fucks of other peoples opinions about it.  Caches of course weaned years ago when he was just over 4 years old.  And at that point he only nursed for maybe 15 seconds before bed.  I think it was more just part of our routine than anything.  So, one evening I asked him when he was going to be all done nursing.  He looked up at me and I'll never forget what he said.  He simply said, "I'm all done, I won't ever nurse again."  And he didn't.  I didn't really believe him at first, but I never brought it up.  He never brought it up either, it just was.  I thought I'd be sad but honestly, I wasn't.  He was done and there was really nothing else that needed to be said.

Currently Arlowe is almost the exact same age that Cahces was when I wrote the original post in 2014, about 3.5 and yes, she is still nursing.  Just for a quick moment before bed and every once and while if she gets super overwhelmed with life. 

Who knows how much longer Arlowe will nurse.  I can't really say it is even remotely a concern for me.  I figure when she is done she will be done.  The crazy thing for me to think about is what the fuck is my body going to to on a hormonal level?  I have to imagine that there is going to be some kind of prolactin circuit board that is going to malfunction when I completely stop after over six and a half years of nursing. 

But whenever it may be I am at peace.  All the struggles in the beginning, all the worry, all the milk soaked shirts and tears from both of us.  All the sleepless nights, all the wondering if I would ever gt my boobs back.  Will I ever be able to wear a shirt that isn't a v-neck?  Will they ever stop?   No seriously, will they every stop?!?!  All of it, it is all good.  Because this and so much more has brought me to a place in my journey of motherhood where even on the messiest of days I can sit back and see that you know what, the kids are alright.

Okay, so this part might not interest you but I was curious so I did a little bit of research.  If you have done the math then you know that I have now nursed (with only two full days off when I was out of town) for almost SIX AND A HALF YEARS!  And about a year and a half of that time I was nursing two kids at the same time!  That means that my body has produced about 480 gallons of breast milk!  That is around 61,440 ounces that took my body over ONE MILLION calories to make.  Say what?! Pretty amazing.  Go boobs!