A post where I complain and you roll your eyes and I don't care
It has been a rough week. I want to crawl into bed and not hear from a single sole for a minimum of 31 hours. Because that is not an option, I have chosen to bitch and complain on my blog; And you can't stop me! I suppose you could not read it and show me a thing or two, but I bet you are a little bit interested in my rant, right? Or at the very least wondering if my brain is finally producing coherent thought and complete grammatically correct sentences.
I have come to the conclusion that it all boils down to sleep and Caches' sleep is at an all time low. I genuinely thought that once he started moving around he would be so physically tired that his little body would just give in; I thought wrong. I am at a total loss. I mean, I'm not exactly surprised, but it was my last hope! I know I set myself up for disappointment by dreaming of magical three or even four hour stretches of sleep by now, but at this point all I have is a dream. I haven't slept longer than a two hour stretch in over 4 months. And before that it wasn't all peaches and cream. We are talking maximum sleep stretch of 4.5 hours E.V.E.R.
It's all relative. When Caches was tiny I thought I was tired. HA! I was a fucking spring chicken! I would love to be that tired right now. Here is a little timeline of a typical night. He fights going down but is usually asleep by 7:00. 7:30ish first wake up, 8:30ish second wake up, 9:30sih third wake up and I bring him into bed with me where he sleeps ON TOP of me. If I put him down next to me he wakes up shortly after, if not immediately, screaming and crawls like a zombie out of a grave back ON TOP of me.
He then proceeds to wake up and thrash around or nurse every 20-60 minutes all night until around 6:30 when he wakes up for the day with a huge smile on his face. I hardly sleep. Every night I reach a point of frustration and exhaustion when I swear this will be the LAST night I do this. I swear I'm going to night wean him and I swear I'm going to kill my husband who is blissfully sleeping beside me. By morning though I decide against all of those options, knowing that it would break the bobbie lovin' kids heart and I'd really miss Ryan.
I know one day I'm going to reach a true breaking point and we will night wean. It will be an epic, dramatic SCREAMING MESS and the neighbors will probably call the cops thinking something is amiss, butttt we will probably all be happier for it in the long run. Until then, you may call me a martyr, but I just think I'm a mom. And for whatever reason no matter how absurd or complex, strange or simple, my baby needs me this much. I KNOW that it won't last forever, even on those nights that feel. like. for. ev. er, but I need a vent, I need to complain. I want to whine!
In case you have never experienced this kind of exhaustion let me give you a little taste of what it feels like. Headaches that start out so intense that the morning light is like a dagger in my eye. Usually by 9am I can shake the worst of it, but it is always there. Loss of normal brain function including forgetting EVERYTHING! Did I brush my teeth today? I DON'T KNOW! Loss of physical coordination. I drop and/or spill SO many things that it's not even funny. I also have a hard time picking them up, do not have near the balance I once had and can not type even CLOSE to as accurately or as fast as I used to. My whole body aches.
All I want to do is sleep but every night I struggle with insomnia. I'm too tired to sleep. I have also taken to eating way too many carbs and sugar as a way of coping with the exhaustion, it is not going well. After losing all my baby weight only 3 weeks after Caches was born, I have gained about 10 pounds back and it makes me feel like shit. On top of that I look like shit 99% of the time with dark bags under my eyes, dull skin and a horrid uniform of yoga pants and snot or food smeared t-shirts. The worst part? I don't even care. I'm too tired to care. And THAT brings up a whoooooole other can of worms. Like feeling that I'm letting my husband down, ignoring things that need to be done and looking like a walking audition for what not to wear.
I have come to the conclusion that it all boils down to sleep and Caches' sleep is at an all time low. I genuinely thought that once he started moving around he would be so physically tired that his little body would just give in; I thought wrong. I am at a total loss. I mean, I'm not exactly surprised, but it was my last hope! I know I set myself up for disappointment by dreaming of magical three or even four hour stretches of sleep by now, but at this point all I have is a dream. I haven't slept longer than a two hour stretch in over 4 months. And before that it wasn't all peaches and cream. We are talking maximum sleep stretch of 4.5 hours E.V.E.R.
It's all relative. When Caches was tiny I thought I was tired. HA! I was a fucking spring chicken! I would love to be that tired right now. Here is a little timeline of a typical night. He fights going down but is usually asleep by 7:00. 7:30ish first wake up, 8:30ish second wake up, 9:30sih third wake up and I bring him into bed with me where he sleeps ON TOP of me. If I put him down next to me he wakes up shortly after, if not immediately, screaming and crawls like a zombie out of a grave back ON TOP of me.
He then proceeds to wake up and thrash around or nurse every 20-60 minutes all night until around 6:30 when he wakes up for the day with a huge smile on his face. I hardly sleep. Every night I reach a point of frustration and exhaustion when I swear this will be the LAST night I do this. I swear I'm going to night wean him and I swear I'm going to kill my husband who is blissfully sleeping beside me. By morning though I decide against all of those options, knowing that it would break the bobbie lovin' kids heart and I'd really miss Ryan.
I know one day I'm going to reach a true breaking point and we will night wean. It will be an epic, dramatic SCREAMING MESS and the neighbors will probably call the cops thinking something is amiss, butttt we will probably all be happier for it in the long run. Until then, you may call me a martyr, but I just think I'm a mom. And for whatever reason no matter how absurd or complex, strange or simple, my baby needs me this much. I KNOW that it won't last forever, even on those nights that feel. like. for. ev. er, but I need a vent, I need to complain. I want to whine!
In case you have never experienced this kind of exhaustion let me give you a little taste of what it feels like. Headaches that start out so intense that the morning light is like a dagger in my eye. Usually by 9am I can shake the worst of it, but it is always there. Loss of normal brain function including forgetting EVERYTHING! Did I brush my teeth today? I DON'T KNOW! Loss of physical coordination. I drop and/or spill SO many things that it's not even funny. I also have a hard time picking them up, do not have near the balance I once had and can not type even CLOSE to as accurately or as fast as I used to. My whole body aches.
All I want to do is sleep but every night I struggle with insomnia. I'm too tired to sleep. I have also taken to eating way too many carbs and sugar as a way of coping with the exhaustion, it is not going well. After losing all my baby weight only 3 weeks after Caches was born, I have gained about 10 pounds back and it makes me feel like shit. On top of that I look like shit 99% of the time with dark bags under my eyes, dull skin and a horrid uniform of yoga pants and snot or food smeared t-shirts. The worst part? I don't even care. I'm too tired to care. And THAT brings up a whoooooole other can of worms. Like feeling that I'm letting my husband down, ignoring things that need to be done and looking like a walking audition for what not to wear.
Sigh
Rant over
But damn, he's cute!
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