Thinking about that fresh baby smell

It is October now, and if things had panned out differently I would be holding a newborn baby as I type.  Inhaling the sweet aroma of baby as my fingers clicked the keys, and pausing to kiss the impossibly soft head of my child.  I have healed and accepted the loss of that baby, but I will never forget all of the could have beens that make me sigh deeply.  Mostly I am at peace and do not question the universe, but there have been times over the past seven months when I find myself wishing things were different.  I'd see a radiant pregnant woman with a belly full of life and for a moment I'd think, "that should be me."  But it shouldn't, and it isn't.  If it were meant to be it would have been.  I truly believe that.

This past month has been kind of a rough transition time for Caches.  He is growing and changing exponentially and all of the newness is taking it's toll on my sensitive blue eyed boy.  He is wakeful and restless, skipping much needed naps and feeling frustrated when his body will not settle in the night.  He is speaking and understanding so much now that his brain is literally overflowing with imagination and a desire for more.  More learning, more exploring, more talking, more reading, more discovery, more challenges and unfortunately less calm.  Not an ideal situation for a newborn and a healing mama.

Had things worked out differently and our baby survived, this thought would have never even crossed my mind, we would simply make it work because it would have to work.  But since I have hindsight in this painful situation I can see that this would not have been a good time to add a new family member.  The universe knows what it is is doing and I trust it.  My body too knows what it is doing and I trust it still.


Thanks again for all the love poured over me after losing the baby.  All of you who read this sporadic hodgepodge of crazy truly do help keep me sane.  And I love every single one of you for it.