Beautiful, elusive, sleep
I haven't slept in over two years, seriously. I know you must be thinking, Anne, it is impossible that you haven't slept, you would have died or become insane by now. Oh, you mean I forgot to mention that I have evolved into a non sleep needing human who survives solely on on caffeine, sarcasm and lack of functioning brain cells? Well I did. It took about 15 months for my body to complete the transformation, but I am now a real live non sleep needing human.
Now, I didn't say I am a non sleep wanting human!
I do want to sleep. I want to sleep so bad that I think about it all the time. I think about sleeping all day and then at night when I should be sleeping I think about it still. I count the minutes I am awake, the precious moments that everyone else is asleep and I actually could be too!!! I curse my dogs for sleeping all day long, so peaceful and care free as they rotate from the sunny porch to the shady side of the house. Sometimes I purposefully wake them up just because I am a feeling spiteful, yep I do. Oh to be a dog...
I want to sleep so badly, that over two years later I still want to punch people in the face when they tell me they are tired because they had to wake up once in the night to tend to their child or a half hour early for work. I get it, I used to be that person too. And I'm not even mad at you, I'd be tired too if I was used to getting 8 hours and I only got 7, or if I was woken up during the night and wasn't accustomed to such waking. I'd also be sleeping any chance I had if my life permitted. So you go on sleeping good sleepers of the world, just know that I want to punch you when you tell me about your glorious nap or you complain to me about being tired.
I really do, but I really won't.
Which brings me to my husband. My sweet, loving, supportive, sleeping husband. He has been the target of at least a thousand fantasy face punches over the past few years and although we have discussed the whole, "I'm tired" thing, it persists. I don't doubt that he is tired, not even a little bit. He has a work schedule that is completely fucked up and works his ass off both at home and on the job. He busts out projects on the weekends like he is a guest star on HGTV, and he helps as much as Caches allows as often as he can. He is amazing, he also sleeps: The bastard!
He sleeps so well that he snores, in my ear, with hot, shit breath in my face. Before we had a baby this wasn't my favorite thing in the world, but it didn't really bother me either. I'd just roll over into a new position, put in an ear plug, or shake him until he shut up. Now I can do none of those things. I can't roll over because there is a toddler with all four limps splayed across my body insuring that I can not move for fear of waking him. I can't put in an ear plug because said toddler likes to whisper to me in the night and check in with little gems like, I need to pee, hold me, and can I throw my leg over your throat? Sure kid, why not. I do try to shake him, but again, my arm isn't usually at a position to reach him most of the time so the snoring persists.
And even if it stops, he is still sleeping. He is sleeping AT ME! And I am pretty sure he is doing it ON PURPOSE too!! He is just a sleeper. He can sleep through Caches screaming, the cat jumping on his head, the dog scratching at the door to pee, the dog licking her foot, the bulldog jumping into bed 20 times in hopes that I won't kick him out, the kid kicking him in the face, and ME, SHAKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM BECAUSE HE IS SNORING!
Anyone who has ever had trouble sleeping knows that there is nothing, NOTHING worse than watching a person take great joy in their sleep while you lay there awake. They might as well be breathing full, deep breaths of air while watching you drown. Or smacking their lips as they indulge in a giant hamburger, their food breath wafting in your sunken, starving face. They might as well just sucker punch you right in the gut.
Here's the thing, I don't like to discount other peoples feelings. Everyone has a different threshold for pain, loss of sleep, illness, etc, and I would never tell someone that they aren't tired. If you tell me you are tired, I believe that you are. But I will say this. Don't go up to a person with a gaping flesh wound and complain about your paper cut, okay!
Now, I didn't say I am a non sleep wanting human!
I do want to sleep. I want to sleep so bad that I think about it all the time. I think about sleeping all day and then at night when I should be sleeping I think about it still. I count the minutes I am awake, the precious moments that everyone else is asleep and I actually could be too!!! I curse my dogs for sleeping all day long, so peaceful and care free as they rotate from the sunny porch to the shady side of the house. Sometimes I purposefully wake them up just because I am a feeling spiteful, yep I do. Oh to be a dog...
I want to sleep so badly, that over two years later I still want to punch people in the face when they tell me they are tired because they had to wake up once in the night to tend to their child or a half hour early for work. I get it, I used to be that person too. And I'm not even mad at you, I'd be tired too if I was used to getting 8 hours and I only got 7, or if I was woken up during the night and wasn't accustomed to such waking. I'd also be sleeping any chance I had if my life permitted. So you go on sleeping good sleepers of the world, just know that I want to punch you when you tell me about your glorious nap or you complain to me about being tired.
I really do, but I really won't.
Which brings me to my husband. My sweet, loving, supportive, sleeping husband. He has been the target of at least a thousand fantasy face punches over the past few years and although we have discussed the whole, "I'm tired" thing, it persists. I don't doubt that he is tired, not even a little bit. He has a work schedule that is completely fucked up and works his ass off both at home and on the job. He busts out projects on the weekends like he is a guest star on HGTV, and he helps as much as Caches allows as often as he can. He is amazing, he also sleeps: The bastard!
He sleeps so well that he snores, in my ear, with hot, shit breath in my face. Before we had a baby this wasn't my favorite thing in the world, but it didn't really bother me either. I'd just roll over into a new position, put in an ear plug, or shake him until he shut up. Now I can do none of those things. I can't roll over because there is a toddler with all four limps splayed across my body insuring that I can not move for fear of waking him. I can't put in an ear plug because said toddler likes to whisper to me in the night and check in with little gems like, I need to pee, hold me, and can I throw my leg over your throat? Sure kid, why not. I do try to shake him, but again, my arm isn't usually at a position to reach him most of the time so the snoring persists.
And even if it stops, he is still sleeping. He is sleeping AT ME! And I am pretty sure he is doing it ON PURPOSE too!! He is just a sleeper. He can sleep through Caches screaming, the cat jumping on his head, the dog scratching at the door to pee, the dog licking her foot, the bulldog jumping into bed 20 times in hopes that I won't kick him out, the kid kicking him in the face, and ME, SHAKING THE SHIT OUT OF HIM BECAUSE HE IS SNORING!
Anyone who has ever had trouble sleeping knows that there is nothing, NOTHING worse than watching a person take great joy in their sleep while you lay there awake. They might as well be breathing full, deep breaths of air while watching you drown. Or smacking their lips as they indulge in a giant hamburger, their food breath wafting in your sunken, starving face. They might as well just sucker punch you right in the gut.
Here's the thing, I don't like to discount other peoples feelings. Everyone has a different threshold for pain, loss of sleep, illness, etc, and I would never tell someone that they aren't tired. If you tell me you are tired, I believe that you are. But I will say this. Don't go up to a person with a gaping flesh wound and complain about your paper cut, okay!
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