And then the light bulb clicked so hard that it burst above my head
I recently wrote about the ugly red monster, anger, and how it was affecting me on my parenting journey. Inspired by how powerful, yet secondary an emotion anger is, I decided to dig deeper. I encountered some articles justifying my anger, not helpful, and a few articles about other mothers and their feelings of anger, insightful, but still not quite what I was looking for. About to give up, I stumbled upon an article that has literally changed my life.
It was an article about children's anger, mainly toddlers, and how they learn to cope with the powerful emotion. It also touched on how we as parents can facilitate a healthy response to anger in our children. It was interesting, but nothing that I hadn't heard before; and then I read it. It was so simple, SO simple that I had to read it three times to make sure I was actually understanding. Each time the little light bulb in my head got brighter and brighter until it burst with enlightenment. "You are not responsible for your child's anger." Holy shit! You mean it's not MY fault.!? And, "It is not your responsibility to 'fix' your child's feelings, he must learn to do that for himself."
All this time I have been deeply, personally affected by Caches' intense emotions. From birth, every cry was an emergency, every single emotional outburst needed to be fixed immediately, every unsettled moment held fault, mine. Why is he crying? How can I fix it? What can I do? What did I do to cause it? How can I prevent it from happening again? My god, I"ll do anything!!! And now this woman was giving me permission to do nothing!? Wha?
Well, not exactly.
What she was giving me permission to do, is to let go of ownership of HIS emotions. They are his, not mine, and he can deal with them how he sees fit. He is a complete person in and of himself, I am not, nor will I ever be in control of his feelings! It is my job to validate him and his feelings, and to support him as he figures out for himself how to cope with, heal and "fix" his own problems, but it is not my cross to bare.
You guys have no idea how freeing this has been for me. I cried, no I sobbed, as all of the pieces came together and I finally accepted for the first time in two years that it is not my fault. And you know what, when you choose to let go of responsibility for everyone else's emotions, you feel about 473289 pounds lighter. You feel liberated, calm, and centered.
And it doesn't only apply to Cache. I am not responsible for Ryan's emotions, or my mother's, or my dog's! I am not even responsible for the hurt teenager on a television show!! I know, crazy, right? But I am telling you this in all honesty, a made up television show character, and his deeply hurt feelings has the ability to ruin my day, or I should say, had.
Now, you may be the kind of person who figured this shit out years ago! Good for you. Or you may be the kind of person who never even had this problem, you only worry about you. You realize that you can't control the world and single-handedly abolish hate, sadness, or upset of any kind. Awesome. But if you are like me, and you carry the hurt of many, the fears and frustrations of all of your loved ones, their anger, sadness and struggle, then you understand. I understand.
If this is you, I urge you to let go. Let go in baby steps, or all at once. Let go piece by piece, or person by person, but do it, do it now! You will be completely changed. You will breathe deeper. You will feel as if you can fly again. I don't know why it took a complete strangers internet article for me to allow myself to let go, but I'm glad it did. I don't give myself permission for many pleasantries, I am an anxious person, I am by nature a fixer, but I am giving myself permission, no, I am demanding myself to do this, to let go.
So simple. So, so simple, yet utterly fucking brilliant.
It was an article about children's anger, mainly toddlers, and how they learn to cope with the powerful emotion. It also touched on how we as parents can facilitate a healthy response to anger in our children. It was interesting, but nothing that I hadn't heard before; and then I read it. It was so simple, SO simple that I had to read it three times to make sure I was actually understanding. Each time the little light bulb in my head got brighter and brighter until it burst with enlightenment. "You are not responsible for your child's anger." Holy shit! You mean it's not MY fault.!? And, "It is not your responsibility to 'fix' your child's feelings, he must learn to do that for himself."
All this time I have been deeply, personally affected by Caches' intense emotions. From birth, every cry was an emergency, every single emotional outburst needed to be fixed immediately, every unsettled moment held fault, mine. Why is he crying? How can I fix it? What can I do? What did I do to cause it? How can I prevent it from happening again? My god, I"ll do anything!!! And now this woman was giving me permission to do nothing!? Wha?
Well, not exactly.
What she was giving me permission to do, is to let go of ownership of HIS emotions. They are his, not mine, and he can deal with them how he sees fit. He is a complete person in and of himself, I am not, nor will I ever be in control of his feelings! It is my job to validate him and his feelings, and to support him as he figures out for himself how to cope with, heal and "fix" his own problems, but it is not my cross to bare.
You guys have no idea how freeing this has been for me. I cried, no I sobbed, as all of the pieces came together and I finally accepted for the first time in two years that it is not my fault. And you know what, when you choose to let go of responsibility for everyone else's emotions, you feel about 473289 pounds lighter. You feel liberated, calm, and centered.
And it doesn't only apply to Cache. I am not responsible for Ryan's emotions, or my mother's, or my dog's! I am not even responsible for the hurt teenager on a television show!! I know, crazy, right? But I am telling you this in all honesty, a made up television show character, and his deeply hurt feelings has the ability to ruin my day, or I should say, had.
Now, you may be the kind of person who figured this shit out years ago! Good for you. Or you may be the kind of person who never even had this problem, you only worry about you. You realize that you can't control the world and single-handedly abolish hate, sadness, or upset of any kind. Awesome. But if you are like me, and you carry the hurt of many, the fears and frustrations of all of your loved ones, their anger, sadness and struggle, then you understand. I understand.
If this is you, I urge you to let go. Let go in baby steps, or all at once. Let go piece by piece, or person by person, but do it, do it now! You will be completely changed. You will breathe deeper. You will feel as if you can fly again. I don't know why it took a complete strangers internet article for me to allow myself to let go, but I'm glad it did. I don't give myself permission for many pleasantries, I am an anxious person, I am by nature a fixer, but I am giving myself permission, no, I am demanding myself to do this, to let go.
So simple. So, so simple, yet utterly fucking brilliant.
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